Office dinner tomorrow and I'm dateless

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Oh but I have tried everyone's advice here. I'm trying to put on my best face and be absolutely confident and funny and willing to listen, and also trying to sell myself as someone who is worth it. I mean I know I have some good qualities, and I try to convince the other person that I've got potential, that I'm worth taking a chance on. I mean, every date I've been on, the woman has so impressed me, and right then and there I'd have totally been wiling to make a life with her, because I can just tell she's a good person who I'd do anything for to make happy. It's just finding someone who'll give me a chance.

And for what it's worth I really do appreciate all the advice, and I'm trying to internalize it and use it. I really, really am.

Have you though?
In the year or so I've been on this forum, I don't recall anybody here telling you that you have to be perfect and without flaws. Or telling you to put pressure on every date. Or telling you to treat every girl as the one before you even meet her. I don't recall a single person telling you that the desperation approach to dating is healthy. In fact, most people have been telling you the exact opposite of those things.

OP.. the best advice I can give you man to man is this.

You really need to look at your dating history over the past year. Look for a pattern of behaviour in them, and in yourself. What did you like? What did they like? What didn't either of you like? Did you or the lady know eachother?

I'm reading through your posts here. This next comment will be blunt.

Since you desire perfection in yourself, you're going to project it on to the lady as well. Nobody wants the projection of perfection. Take the time to know yourself.

I doubt he holds women to the same standard as himself. The OP has fallen for every single girl he's gone on a date with and so far "willing to settle for him" seems to be his only criteria. If he does eventually get "lucky" and find a relationship that way it wont end well.

Quite frankly, I'd rather be alone then settle for the first girl who shows me attention. That was a mistake I won't make again..........

I guess what it comes down to is I want to make a good impression. And over the last year of my dating, which has been my most prolific by far, my method has been lunch or dinner, with a movie or an art gallery tour, or a speaking event of some kind. I pay for everything, so I can ensure the date goes well and so they'll know I am someone of means. I ask lots of questions, I try to focus very hard on listening to them and being interested in what they. I concentrate on making eye contact and smiling and projecting a confident, charismatic persona.

I really don't demand or expect anything of my date; I 'm just so thrilled they've agreed to join me, and I'm excited and nervous at what may happen, and praying things'll work out and she'll like me. And they all usually seem to. They seem nice and friendly and in to me. At the end of the date, I walk her to her car, and give her a hug, but never a kiss, so I don't appear overeager.

The next day I send a text or email saying how much I enjoyed seeing her, and hoped we might meet again. And then usually after that things go off the rails. I'll try to call just to chat and she won't answer. I'll text and sometimes she'll reply, but she never texts me initally I always initiate. But I try to convince myself she's playing hard to get, and I've got to fulfill my role as the man, to go after her. And i try to, until they stop replying and then I admit defeat and go on to the next one.

That how basically was online dating to me too, they end fast after 1st or 2nd date and they never initiate texting or any form of communication. Why does this happen? Because online dating for girls is like shopping, there are a lot of available items (males) and no shopper would waste too much of her time by checking the same item further when there's apparently a better one on the other shelf.

For me, the only dates (met thro online dating/ internet) that lasted, when things between us started.... sexual!!. Those were the only ones who showed interested, kept initiating contact with me and kept wanting to meet/date me more.

The only exception of all, was the lady I met on a hiking trip, this one kept showing interest for too long (sending morning texts, calling, visiting me, innocent flirts...etc), and she's still a very close friend of mine - nothing sexual happened between us tho. I think she's the only one who genuinely liked me for my character rather than liking my online projection (the way how I am perceived online) or my body/dick.

The OP is trying way to hard, in my opinion. When you treat a date like a job interview, it stops becoming a date. Believe it or not, most woman (at least the ones worth bothering with) don't actually think of online dating like shopping. You are the ones who think of it that way and you project that attitude onto your date. Meanwhile the girls go in expecting a fun hangout only to get someone who is overly formal and clearly trying too hard. If you think they can't tell something is amiss, you'd be wrong.

STOP TRYING. Just go on your date without any expectations.

How does one begin to do that? I fear just being myself or going in without expectations, because I might make a bad mistake. I mean, when I'm "me" I wind up making poor eye contact, and I talk too long about stuff that bores other people, but excites me and I want to share it.

I feel like, the good, loving person that would be attractive to women, is buried beneath all these layers of autism, the tics and the sensitivities and all the oddities. I have to try harder to suppress those things so I'll appear normal, to enhance my chances. If I act like who I am, won't I be more likely to push people away, because who I am is...odd?

You are giving off the "desperation vibe". You have to learn to at least pretend like you have a little self esteem in front of them so they don't run off when they pick up on that vibe. Playing a little hard to get is good. Not overly hard to get, but don't show too much interest. Find the middle ground and stay on it.

You know... I'm not particularly successful on OKC, but even I know not to start picking out the wedding cake as soon as someone starts messaging you.

Commitment is this giant heavy nebulous thing that no one (no NT?) wants, so stop trying to sell it (including to yourself). Now: attractive, interesting and funny, that sells like hotcakes! if you just keep selling that special blend eventually the girl may agree to a subscription. It seems silly to worry about the hidden fee's at the 5th resub when you haven't made the first sale yet.

OP. I have a couple questions for you based on your last post here... Do you accept yourself as it is? Do you accept the fact that you were diagnosed with an ASD?

This may be personal to you... So you don't have to reply openly to that

Well, one would think so, but the fact of the matter is that anybody you want to be with on any type of long-term scale need to like who you really are when you're not making any special effort. I can't emphasize that enough. Sure, you might be able to fool someone for a week, or a month, but eventually having someone in your life requires, y'know, having them in your life. If they walk on the first date, screw 'em. They just showed you that they're wrong for you in big, bold capital letters. (What most people call rejection, I call a blessing. Why would you want somebody who isn't into you, or take offense to finding that out? There's literally billions of people I wouldn't date; does that say something about them or something about me?)



NO. No, no, no. In fact, suppressing those things may end up working against you. Look, I did theater for a lot of my teens and twenties, and I got good enough at it that I got roles NTs didn't. Even with years of stage training, faking NT behavior in a social setting just makes me look like a goober, so I can see how even somebody who works within the entertainment industry could fell like they're struggling. I can't help but think that if you see your symptoms and behavior as "layers of autism, the tics and the sensitivities and all the oddities", then you may be overcompensating on the other side of the fence and coming off like 1.) an Uncanny Valley- style "fake person" or 2.) every negative stereotype of NTs that gets bandied about WP.

TL, DR: NTs can tell when you're faking; the only way to go is total commitment to the moment and your inner Aspie, along with a callous disregard for the opinions of others. Being genuinely odd is much more appealing then being ersatz normal.

You're more likely to push people away...quicker. If you try to represent this personality that you're obviously not people will eventually see through it, and/or you'll just dig yourself deeper into this "I am not good enough for others as I am" mentality. Either way, you cannot win this way. This is not a happy path under any circumstance.

If, however, you make a conscious effort to not pressure yourself to perform for people and allow instead for yourself to just get comfortable with yourself, you stand a decent chance at some point of finding someone you actually will be happy with, and will actually be happy with you, as you, provided you're patient. Yes, people are more likely to run after the first encounter, but then you must ask yourself whether they were ever going to stay for long anyway. Not to mention, the problem you're facing now is that your happiness is closely tied to your relationship status, which means you're overprioritising the need for such a relationship. Earning that self respect will, again, help you here.

Something I've picked up on through watching people- everyone from people I know only by name, to my parents, brother, best friends and myself- is that people who are looking for relationships are doing so for reasons not related to the actual pursuit of happiness, despite what they may think. Successful relationships are stumbled upon by the people who were already pretty happy to begin with.

I get asked out often, but I can't go on dates. It's not that I don't know how. I just can't deal with a relationship.

TM1337FalconPunch and JubalHarshaw are also giving you some really great advice. You should take heart.