Why am I always the sensitive guy?

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This scenario is likely something I will be going through very soon as I work afternoons in the future, while my partner is working days. I even have dealt with some guys trying to pick her up right in front of me. All I have to do is go over to them during their conversation and introduce myself and shake their hand and this is the response "you're the boyfriend, aren't you?" They don't approach her the rest of the night.

Hope you don't mind my asking and hopefully nothing personal... what happened with the ex?

To which I would answer: being an a***hole is a good deal more fun, and there are a lot of people in the world who deserve a taste of it.

Opps, sorry, I may have let the mask slipt with respect to the arseburgers there.

Met her in college (my first girlfriend.) We dated for over 5 years (mostly long distance.) Had some rocky times but mostly just grew apart. Wouldn't have lasted half as long if we were both honest with ourselves and each other about what we wanted.

Also, I was undiagnosed at the time (and quite oblivious) while in retrospect I'm pretty sure she may have been bipolar or BPD. Neither of us really knew how to deal with each other when things got intense. From her perspective I could be a jerk at times, from mine she could be a manic loon. That doesn't mean either of us were ok with the other being poached from us.

Thats why I find it so funny when guys like to OP complain about "women only dating jerks" or women saying "men don't like smart women." Thier views are entirely subjective. They will inevitably think of themselves the nice/smart ones while the rivals are jerks/bimbos (regardless of legitimacy.) Blaming others is easier than simply accepting that something you're doing isn't working.

you kind of need to into the relationship with the intention of it becoming something more if you want it to be something more. Those first impressions are important. Aside from that being 'sensitive' is often emasculate, especially in the early stages. You need to have distinct interests, wants and the desire and ability to pursue them. No one wants to date a sponge. The initial energy you put into the relationship caries a long long way. You need to project sexual or romantic energy in a positive way in order to have it reciprocated. If you only ever project emotional energy you will never get sexual or romantic energy back.

I had a relationship like this that lasted 9 months. The funny thing is both of us wanted a relationship, just never at the same time and never under the conditions the other proposed. The mainstay of our relationship was me being a shoulder for her to cry on. I liked being there for her. I would hold her head against my shoulder for hours and we would just sit there for hours. You know what happened? She met a great guy and became happy and the entire core of our relationship dissolved. Without the trauma bonding we really didn't have that much chemistry.

No, no. The interest in dating her came later - that's not why he approached her in the first place. If I understand his posts correctly, their timeline went something like this:

Boy sees girl upset, feels compassionate and goes over to comfort her.

Boy listens to girl's problem, and finds out it's about her boyfriend treating her poorly.

Boy reassures girl that she shouldn't be tolerating this and should dump him and move on.

Their friendship develops, and they start talking about dreams, political values, mutual interests, etc, etc.

Meanwhile girl is still agonising over what to do about her boyfriend.

Boy continues to listen to her and comfort her and so on and so forth. They build more trust.

Boy realises that he and girl have a lot in common.

Boy develops feelings for girl.

Boy jokes around a bit with girl about dating her.

Boy thinks girl is flirting with him.

Meanwhile the boy is doing the best he can to persuade girl to dump her boyfriend, not because boy wants to date her but because girl's boyfriend is still being an idiot and doesn't deserve her. Boy's intentions and motivations are honest and good. In fact this must've been very difficult because the boy would have been trying to get the girl to do what was in her best interests without trying to turn the situation to his own advantage at the same time.

Eventually, boy is forced to admit that he likes girl. Girl then not only turns him down but dumps him as a friend as well.

Boy then wonders how it is possible that she feels nothing for him, given the amount of trust and emotional capital she invested in their friendship.

Boy posts his frustrations on Wrong Planet.

The advice people are giving here of "If you want a relationship you need to make that clear at the start" only works if the boy does indeed want that right from the get-go. But the problem for the OP is that he didn't have feelings for her initially. Instead, his feelings developed over time as a natural by-product of the emotional closeness they had as friends, so he couldn't have asked her out any earlier than he did.

^^^ You do have a fresh insight and it's very good. However, the girl was off limits for romance. She wanted to confide in a friend. And if she were to break up with the boyfriend, she would still need time to move on and have a fresh perspective moving forward. There was never going to be a good time for the OP to confess any feelings. He simply took the chance, which is still admirable.

Bottom line: You can't interfere with another person's romantic relationship no matter how weak or strong that relationship is.

Agreed.


I'm not so sure. I've read a lot of threads where people have been in the OP's position, and felt totally betrayed when the girl dumps the loser boyfriend and then immediately starts dating someone else who isn't the poster.

The situation with that other guy she starts dating usually doesn't last when I see things play out like that. Of course, the guy that liked her doesn't stick around because he doesn't understand what she is thinking or feeling, but he knows that he feels like a doormat as well.

I had something like that happen late in the summer and it was a girl I had already been with prior. I of course don't talk to her anymore, and I had seen the guy she was chasing after since then as well. That guy is with another girl now, and she likely felt betrayed herself. I wouldn't be surprised if this new girl didn't last either. One of her friends told me that I made the right call in walking away.