Dating progress update 2

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I intend to show all my cards, and pull out all the stops. Give her a great time, and show her that I'm a good person, who will treat her with respect, who knows how to plan a wonderful evening, who is charming and confident and outgoing and successful and fun to be around.

Clearly you're taking everyone's "no pressure on the first date" advice to heart.........

Why not just ask her to marry you while you're at it? If she's as desperate as you come across, she'll probably say yes.

^^ that would be why you don't get past 2nd date. Being that eager is just plain creepy. Get to know the person. Slowly. Show that you have personal standards and that you are not going to settle for the first skirt that doesn't say no, otherwise everyone will think you are not good enough for them.

I just don't want to blow a good opportunity. I want to show her I'm different from the other guys who might just offer lunch or coffee. I want her to see that I have a lot to give.

Well, just put on your dating profile that you want to spoil the woman and give her everything she wants and you will get more gold diggers than you know what to do with. I just hope your trust fund can cope with the deluge.

But I just fear that getting to know someone slowly isn't practical for me. Because they all seem to figure out from one date that I'm not for them. I never get a chance to get to know them slowly. So I feel like I need to make a good impression on that first date, to really WOW them.

Now I'm taking to heart everyone's advice, that I'm trying to be myself, and relax more, but I want to set up a nice situation..eating out some place nice, going to do a fun activity that has a bit of class, to communicate that I'm worth getting to know better. Does that make sense?

It makes sense in theory. In practice (and please don't be upset by me asking this honey) are you really worth getting to know better? Why does it not come across at the first date? If you are only worth getting to know better because you are willing to spend money on the person, than that's not enough unless you are filthy rich and can really afford to spend serious money. Otherwise, you had better have a personality worth bothering with and also be willing to be interested in that other person for themselves, not because of how wonderful it would be for them to be your girlfriend.

IDK, some part of me thinks you may be a bit too autistic for this dating lark. Has any family tried to set you up with someone? I think you'd do better being set up by someone who knows you.

Anyway, I hope this thing with this girl goes well for you.

Oh I think I have lots of great things to offer somebody, and a good personality. I'm smart, ambitious, I work hard, I'm multiskilled. But all those good traits are couched behind these quirks I just can't control, at least, not for very long...my eye contact, my mind blindness, my picking eating, my whole demeanor. When I confided to a friend that I was autistic, she said, "That explains a lot," and went on to say how I always seemed different. And that was me TRYING to be normal.

I don't dare tell her on my first date that I'm autistic, do I? Won't that scare her away. But at the same time I've got to do something on that first day to demonstrate the good personality I have, my generosity of spirit, and my eagerness to love someone and uplift and give back to the world.

Don't worry. You've already blown it.

The fact that you refuse to see how your desperate attitude and overeager approach might be considered offputting or even creepy to a first date, leads me to believe that you really aren't ready to date, let alone find a relationship. Being able to date successfully means having at least some level of self awareness of how you come across. You clearly aren't coming across as that uber-confident casanova you insist on pretending to be on dates, nor will you ever, no matter how many times you try.

No matter how many people, how many times and in how many ways you've been given you this exact same advice, you haven't listened. In fact, you've stubbornly doubled down on the same failed approach that has kept you from getting anywhere in the first place. The fact that you don't realize this is further proof of your self-awareness issue.

Can you answer a few questions straightforwardly and skip the melodrama?

What's the point in making dozens of virtually identical threads on the L&D board (over multiple years) asking for advice and then not changing your approach at all?

Do you think this could be the reason why you've been stuck in the same place all this time?

Are you really deluded enough to actually believe that the reason girls aren't coming back for a second date is because you "aren't perfect enough"?

Last edited by Geekonychus on 09 Jan 2014, 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just want to show my date I'm a good person.

Believe me I AM trying. I've been in therapy since November, trying to work over my fears and anxieties about all this. And I'm going on more dates. I've had more dates since September than in my entire life. I'm getting better, and it's because of the advice you all have given me. You in particular Geekonychus. I DO appreciate this advice and I AM taking it to heart and trying to change and be better at this.

I really believe I'm close if I can just get the right set of circumstances. It's my New Year's resolution....that this year I'm going to find someone.

Last edited by Brianruns10 on 09 Jan 2014, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You aren't doing that though. A truly good person would be genuine (awkwardness and all) and not try to put on some fake personae because he thinks that's what the girl wants.

Stop trying to be Prince Charming and try to be Brian. I guarentee you'll get better results and with a lot less effort.


I don't recall anyone advising you to put this kind of pressure on all your first dates or that you need to be "absolutely perfect" or else you won't get another. Could you show me a quote where someone said this?

Last edited by Geekonychus on 09 Jan 2014, 4:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I believe I have some issues with overthinking and getting too involved with one woman and situation. I notice a lot of what I'm doing and with anxiety meds I spend several hours a day not thinking about anyone else. I think I'm ready to date but not without medication and a job to keep my mind occupied most of the time.

I guess I'm saying I'm taking your advice to try and get the pressure off, and I'm in therapy learning to cope as well, but I'm not there yet, because I'm not going to quit trying to date either until I somehow deem myself ready. I may not be ready, but I can't know that. All I know is I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to enjoy all the great things about being in a relationship, and I'm trying to get that. I want to hold someone's hand, I want to go out with somebody and not by myself. I want someone who'll come over and hang out, or invite me over to hang out. Someone who'll spend the night. Someone who'll be there for me, and more importantly, someone whom I can be there for her.

All I know is that's what I want, and I'm going to go for it with the same drive I pursue one of my film projects to completion, because I know I've got good things to give back to the world, and to somebody out there.

I'm trying to be myself, while also trying to be a better person...trying to learn a new language, and be a better athlete, and learn a musical instrument and be both a better person, and a real person.

Thanks, geekyonchus for your frank and wise words.

this is good advice. The girl will sense that you aren't very experienced if you seem too excited, which is a turn off to most girls. They want you to act like you've been there before.

Also, like someone said, don't tell her an autobiography about you when you meet her. That gets rid of the mystery. If you tell me everything about yourself, I'm gonna get bored because I feel I have you figured out. Mystery is the secret key to getting past the first date. Good luck, just be chill and tell yourself to be calm throughout. You said you've been on a lot of first dates but not second, ask yourself why..

Didn't you agree with Boo it didn't matter if he pulled out all the stops? Just curious what your stance is.

To Brian: This might be why you aren't getting second dates. Just chill and relax. The right girl will come. Honestly, act like this girl isn't the one. Act like she is gonna reject you on the first date. This way if she says yes to a second date you will be shocked.

The key is too not worry about if she's interested, the key is to focus on HAVING A GOOD TIME!

I have the same feeling as LeafPlant as far as you might not be ready for it. Read what I quoted in bold and read that to yourself over and over again....you realize how bad that sounds to a reader, and would sound if that girl read that on here?

Brian, most of what I'm saying is based off this: http://www.scribd.com/doc/33421576/How-To-Be-A-3-Man (the article is free, so I'm not stealing it).

I go on a 1-10 scale of interest. I'd say the girl is probably at a 5-6, interested enough to give you a chance. After awhile she starts getting physical, I'd say she's at an 8, THEN you can go all out. Use the first date to feel each other out (you know what I mean). Have some respect for yourself and don't feel she's the one because she agreed to go out with you.

You will have better success because of this. Treat it like you are going to see a friend in the comfortable level. If you WOW them on the first date, they give you a second date, they will expect you to have WOW dates everytime...not the way to go.