Guys only want one thing

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Yes, set your standards high: Get married first.

Women only want babies! :3

Jk, I get how you could feel this way. Thing is, in relationships going well enough, a guy is probably going to want it. You have to make it clear what is allowed and have high standards, or no man will bother stepping up to the plate.

I don't think wanting sex is necessarily a bad intention. To most people it's something mutually enjoyable, natural to have, and normal to want regularly.

That said, I don't envy people who aren't very physical or sexual and are trying to meet someone. The Internet is full of advice on when to panic or bail if you haven't kissed, had sex, etc, and not one piece of it sounds comfortable to me. Not everyone is seeking exclusively casual sex or is is counting down the days until you're in bed together, though.

I bumped into someone with more touch issues than I have, and that's where my current relationship came from. He was one of those guys who glared at girls who grabbed his ass in high school and refused to actually touch dance partners. That's not the type to just walk up to a girl in college and start flirting, though, and I'm not sure "touch-averse" is necessarily what you want. I'm still counting my blessings, at least.

Nope, the common denominator really is that guys primarily just want sex. I have noticed that soo many times in my life. At first, when people meet me/come across me, the guys will all be falling over themselves to talk to me. When it becomes clear I am not going to put out, suddenly nobody is interested in chatting any more. It's tragic how reliably this occurs.

That isn't true, I can guarantee that there are at least 10 things that I want!

And here I was feeling like everyone only wants sex, even if they suggest otherwise.

This tends to depress me greatly because I have intimacy problems due to my first sexual-related experiences being manipulated out of me. I don't believe it categorizes as rape, but it was someone very sexually forward/fast who overwhelmed me into accepting things before I had much of a chance to understand how I felt about them. Later I realized I wasn't okay with what happened at all and felt guilty for a long time for not understanding that I should have said "No, this is way too fast and I need some time to understand how I feel", but I try not to blame myself too much anymore because I realize that she was very purposefully targeting my inexperienced teenage curiosities. All of her interest in me vanished as soon as I resisted her the next time and explained that I wasn't ready; it was the only thing she wanted from me - as oblivious as I am, that much was incredibly clear.

While I still do want to experience intimate things, I want them primarily as a method of shared communication of emotional desire; it is just a bonus that these things would feel good physically, too. I do not look at someone physically attractive and think "I wish I could have sex with her", I think "I wonder what she is like (as a person)". I don't care how attractive someone is; if I have no emotional attraction then there is no sexual attraction, either. If I do have emotional attraction, then physical traits are subconsciously permitted to influence sexual attraction and can help progress sexual feelings, but frankly I could have those even with an 'average looking' person if I was emotionally attached enough.

I realize she was an extreme case of "only wanting sex", but as my first experience, and being discarded as soon as I spoke up against it, it has left deep scars on how I perceive interest in me, which I am still working against today. I still sometimes catch myself believing that the only traits I have that anyone could desire of me are physical, and if I am too psychologically broken/different to be seen as anything other than a friend or a set of reproductive organs (take your pick). I've gotten numerous comments for being "very cute" but sometimes it's hard to believe that people think the same about what is on the 'inside' of me.

A recent near-relationship just failed for me because she wanted intimate things, but I was so focused on trying not to repeat my past mistake and make sure that I was okay with it this time. I took too long and she found someone else who doesn't have that problem. In fact, she was doing things with him earlier than I had realized, and she wasn't telling me that she was 'done with me' because she wanted to let me down easier since she felt I was too emotionally fragile to take the news all at once (she admitted this, it is not speculation). Even when I questioned her if this new guy was someone she was interested in or just a friend, she said there was nothing going on and they just liked playing video games - she even scolded me for sounding untrusting. Eventually she was too guilty to lie about it anymore and admitted they had been fooling around every time they hung out. Now I'm left with some relatively large trust issues due to that; maybe the universe is trying to see how many problems can be fit into a single person.

At this point I've become nearly nauseous at the idea of casual sex, or sex with a friend "just because it feels good" but doesn't signify emotional 'strings attached'. I don't scold those who are okay with it (as long as they aren't leading someone else on in the process), but for me, intimate contact/sex absolutely must communicate emotional desire, with no exception. If all we want is to feel physically good, most of us have two hands, and there are plenty of toys out there - I'm not interested in becoming someone else's toy, myself.

I do find it offensive when I get grouped in to the "guys only want sex" stereotype, but I can suppress the offended feeling because I realize that in most cases it seems to be true, and that "women only want sex" often appears just as applicable. I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but I thought my feelings were applicable to the topic.

I want steak too. So that makes, like, two things.

I think there are plenty of guys that are looking for true love.

I feel like that too, but I've never really been sure how to put it into words. You are not alone.

I feel like people think I am being overly old fashioned or prudish, but I really need to find someone I connect with emotionally and enjoy being around, someone I respect. I've got family who don't understand that and think I'm missing out on having fun. But their "fun" would be too stressful for me to deal with. It's just who I am.

I wonder how rare we are because often I feel like I have to defend my perspective and no one understands.

Almost all girls I know are in steady relationships by the time they hit their early 20's, so this simply isn't true. If women didn't "require" a lot of chatting, mind-games and all that before sex, the problem you mentioned could be solved generations ago.

Aghhh you just proved my point. The steady relationship for men = regular access to sex on demand (more or less). You are admitting that the only reason to chat to a woman is to get her to have sex with you!

Jackie Chan is not impressed.

Almost all girls I know are in steady relationships by the time they hit their early 20's, so this simply isn't true. Agreed.

It depends.

That depends; there are plenty of women I enjoy talking to. Others, I stopped talking to after I slept with them, but only because they started using me as some kind of emotional tampon to listen to their BS 3-4 days per month when nobody else could take their crap anymore.

Be glad you're getting offers for sex without having to talk, spend money, watch sappy movies or do anything to get it.

I wont because its all very new to me, she is the first time I have had a girlfriend, she is actually very understanding. I am not playing Games, she will wait but she is keen for me to be ready but not pushing it.

It's a very common feeling for me, too. People either think I am just stubborn and old fashioned (possibly one of those "no sex before marriage" people, which I'm not, just "no sex before a serious and potentially lasting connection"), think it's "cute" but naive and unrealistic, or think I am lying altogether and in denial about my own motives (I would not be surprised if some in this very thread would take this position). It seems that people will conclude anything except that it is a legitimate and real position to take, that it is a set of standards that should be respected even if they can't understand it.

This pervasive notion that sex is fundamentally 'all it is really about' only reinforces in my mind that it's all most people are about; they keep saying it, so it must reflect on how they think, too. It's not my fault that they can't comprehend people who are actually focused on emotional connection just because they can't, but I still have to deal with the consequences of them thinking that way because it ends up in me being prejudged (and even moreso because I happen to have a penis, which to some people seems to imply that my brain is just a backup for when my groin fails and I am forever doomed to be a sex-seeking zombie).

But in the end, if someone will prejudge me, then they aren't who I am interested in, anyway.



Unsolicited offers of sex kind of sounds like torture to me.

Last edited by Deuterium on 11 Jan 2014, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.