NT wife - why does this never get any better

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Yes, I always thought I was just being helpful, it's only recently I've realised how it comes across! I'm working on it. He also seems to need constant reassuring whereas I tend to think I'm working on it i don't need to spell it out all the time, but he needs the spelling out. sometimes I just plain forget and that's at the route of what happened today.

Except that when we're good, we're fantastic

So, the previous marriages? The two ex-wifes?

Do you know why those relationships broke down? Have you met the exes?

Something needs to be worked out here. And it's quite amazing that everyone always assumes that Aspergers is the central part of the problem here when people come to the forums asking for help. I don't think it's the biggest problem. Here is where I am going with this (hint: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus).

My knowledge about men and women is this. Men like to solve their problems on their own to prove their competence to their women. So he is stressed out, and he may want to deal with it on his own, so he goes to his cave and he won't come out the more you pressure him. Women on the other hand like to discuss their problems out loud and generally like to feel supported and validated without having advice offered on how to fix things. regardless, the fact that someone is offering a solution for the partner when they might want the little bit of space to think things through on their own is what could potentially be causing the issue here.

Let him have his space when he needs to solve his problem. I sincerely hope he is capable of listening to you when you need the help when he is ready to come out of his cave. And don't confuse the above paragraph for Aspergers either. That is a typical man thing to do, and it may be more noticeable in a man who is suspected of or is diagnosed with Aspergers.

It sounds like the problem is that he's expecting perfection from you.
I'd be dealing with it by occasionally telling him to get stuffed, stop being such a big baby, and learn to deal with the fact that noone will ever be able to perfectly respond to his issues all the time, and that it's not anyone's job to do so.

Yes, I am serious. People with AS are disabled, but we aren't made of glass.

^^ not helpful, Teebie, this person had a bad experience and is not only paranoid but universalizing.

Anyway...Teeb, girl, there may not be a lot of options here, because it just isn't a healthy way for you to live. You shouldn't have to guess at what's going to set him off, nor should you be shouted at or treated badly.

If you can afford it, I'd say get a little place that's a haven for yourself. When you're feeling particularly down or under attack, go stay there for a few days and let him calm down, let things calm down. But when he's like this he's not going to be able to see that he's the problem, esp if you're there as a focus. And just make it plain: he isn't allowed to be horrible to you. If he wants you around, he'll have to be nice to you. If he just plain can't do it all the time...then maybe think about settling for the times when he can.

If he becomes physically violent, though, then please recognize that you're done.

I'm sorry, and good luck -

Yes they broke down for the same reason - he gets stressed and can't cope and it just goes into a spiral. Thing is, they didn't know what the problem was any more than I did when we first got together. We followed the classic pattern, everything lovely, perfect gentle and thoughtful male, just what I was looking for. Then when everything hit the fan, how he was acting and what he was saying made no sense to me, sounded totally unreasonable. It was only when I started to investigate AS that I began to get some handle on where he was coming from - and of course from his perspective, it's not unreasonable at all!

So I have a better chance of getting this right than they did, but he was so miserable with them that he judges everything that happens between us against that yardstick. He can say he can see what I'm doing and it's helping, although it's always too slow for him, but if we hit a problem all the good collapses for him and all he can see is history repeating itself.

Hi aspiemike, thank you for that - interestingly, I have just read this book and he is in the process of reading it. We have indeed had a discussion about the cave and I have already taken that onboard and implemented it over the past week or so - with reasonable success. He has also commented that what Gray tags as 'male' is very much AS spectrum. It's complicated because the reason he was reading this book is to do with gender study - he's complex there too. One of his bug bears is that gender isn't binary and Gray certainly defines it as such. However I find that he both wants to talk about his problems, and also goes into his cave (male & female); I need to talk about my problems (female) but also tend to problem-solve (male). If only life were as simple as the books try to convey

That said, the book has been helpful. A lot of what he says about the way men use language differently to women correlates with discussions he and i have had about the differences in the way we use language (we are definitely gender typical there) and it helps, but i can't learn all this stuff over night, can't just put aside decades of doing it the way I do and faultlessly taking on someone else's way of thinking

Anyway thank you for mentioning it - it's always useful to have things like this validated from outside the relationship circle

Thanks Tarantella64 - and no I would never tolerate physical violence, that really would be the end.

Marriage counselors are astoundingly anti-marriage. The field already has poor results. Nearly all of them are clueless about aspies. If you are HFA, they will be very intimidated and probably not believe your intellect is real. That will get you an instant false diagnosis. They prefer the emotional approach which is not an option for an aspie. I think hanging out at a bar and asking advice from the bartender would yield better results. (that's sarcasm)

Also, be aware of what you sign, many of them are letting you pay them so they can collect data from you. Basically you are an experiment for their book, not a client that they are vested in helping.

Thanks for explaining earlier that you weren't ignoring, just missed my post. I appreciate the explanation.

I think AspieMike may be generalising the male/female dichotomy. And I also think a lot of it *is* due to AS.

Take me for example. I am the cave woman. Aside from this AS guy now, my ex's were all NTs and none of them used what some people call "typically male behaviour".

Quite the opposite. I was the one who didnt discuss things. I needed my space and the more communication was required when I was stressed, the more I would withdraw.

As for asking for advice, these forums are full of both genders asking for opinions. Until very recently in my life, I wouldn't have dreamt of asking for opinions. Even because if things aren't explained in a simple and logical way, I don't get it.

I hate confrontation too. If I am forced to a discussion when I am not in a good place (which can happen a lot because of having to work full time) I usually snap and probably say things I shouldn't. I am not being intentionally evil, I just do NOT process the information.

As much as people read about AS, and that is a wonderful gesture of love, it is indeed hard, if not impossible, for a NT person to fully understand autism.

But I also believe there is room for improvement and your husband should start learning from his previous mistakes. From what I heard here, I think you are doing an unfair percentage of work towards wanting to save this marriage.

Trust your judgement and follow your heart.

Good luck.