New year, new OKCupid contact.

Post Reply New Topic

I SMSed her this morning. Still haven't gotten a response. I wonder if she even remembers me.

Is the part in bold what you actually said to her, or did you simply add that part when writing here on the forum, to explain to us your motive for asking her to send the first text?

I'm just wondering whether you wrote to this girl and said:


A. Please would you send the first SMS?"

or

B. "Please send the first SMS. I'm terrible at initiating that kind of contact."

If it was B, then that is probably the reason why she didn't respond: you admitted you suck at initiation. Very few girls will want to get involved with a guy who admits to being rubbish at initiating things. Unless, of course, they are the sort of girls who like to be dominant.

Even if you just said A, it still will have come across as rather lazy. I know that you didn't mean it that way. Laziness was probably not your motivation; anxiety was. You were anxious because you didn't know the right thing to say in the text. But the girl has no way of knowing that your motive is not laziness. And the last thing you should do in the early stages of getting to know her is to start telling her about your anxiety. It scares people away. So it would be best not to admit your motive for not wanting to initiate. It would also be best not to admit that you don't want to initiate things. Girls like it when men chase them, not the other way round.

First texts are not really that hard. You can just say something polite and friendly, like: "hi it's Jono from OKCupid, what's up?" or "Hi it's Jono, how are you?" and wait to see if she replies.

Would it be better if he lied or hid this fact?

Yes, I said that because I've got Asperger's and I don't have practice with those kinds of social skills, initiating conversation by phone. It feels like practically anything that I could write would turn them off because it's happened to me before when I sent the first e-mail. I really didn't know what to say, so I suppose it was anxiety.

In any case, I did actually text her this morning anyway, and as predicted - no reply. That's exactly why I asked her to send the first message in the first place. At least if she sends it first then I know that she's not likely to disappear on me.

Last edited by Jono on 05 Feb 2014, 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It wouldn't do much good if I did either of those things.

Even thought to send a whatsapp/viber (or wtv is more popular in your area) message instead? SMS is too old-fashioned nowadays and it can easily get lost among SMS ads, especially if it's from an unnamed contact.

If you read my message exchange with her, you'll see that she initially gave me her number so that I could use whatsapp but the problem is that I don't use whatsapp and I'm using a Vodacom (South African equivalent of Vodaphone) contract on my phone, which I don't think supports whatsapp. That's why I suggested a normal SMS instead.

It would be odd if it doesn't support whatsapp, I highly doubt it, it is a simple messenger app and I think it's less protocol-restricted/closed than bbm.

Try to install it and post a picture of yourself there, use it instead of sms in these cases.

Well, she finally replied to SMS today. I've replied back, asking if she'd be interested in meeting for coffee. I'll see what happens.

Good luck!

So, wondering why she didn't reply to my last message and my invitation to meet for coffee, I sent a followup one this afternoon to which she replied within two minutes. She apologised saying that she doesn't look at her SMS's that often and prefers Whatsapp. She also said that it would be difficult to meet because she doesn't drive and also that she'll be away for the next two and a half weeks. So, it's another one of those cases when neither of us drive, wonderful. At least this time, she lives much closer by in the same city. Anyway, I replied back, saying that was fine and after mentioning that I don't drive either because of my eyesight, I suggested that we could set the date to meet when she get's back and organise a convenient location for both of us. I'm not exactly hopeful that she'll reply back to this.

I've also noticed that she hasn't been on OKCupid since the 5 February, strange.

^ Believe me, girls who don't drive or don't have a car would be more likely to tolerate a non-driving guy. Things aren't often symmetrical equivalent between the genders.

That makes sense but recall that what caused the problem with my ex gf is that because neither of could drive and the fact we lived in different towns, we couldn't see each other as much as probably either of us would liked, that's why it ended eventually. The difference this time is that we live much closer together. However, I'm not hopeful that she'll reply to me again or that I'll get to have the first date because, since she didn't reply to my last message for a week until I sent a followup, I have my doubts that I'll hear from her again. We'll see though.

So, just to see if she would contact me, I decided not to SMS her again, since last week and left the ball in her court for contact me back if she were interested in pursuing that date I suggested. Now instead of contacting me, I've noticed that today she had visited my on OKCupid, as though she was wondering why I haven't contacted her. I don't get it, it's as though she's interested but she absolutely refuses to contact me at all unless I do so first. This is the same kind of behaviour that that book "The Rules" advises women to follow in dating but the only problem is, it doesn't work (i.e. let a man do the pursuing, don't contact him, always let him contact you etc.) I hope she's not following those kinds of "rules" for dating, it's an aspie's worst nightmare (and possibly a guys worst nightmare in general). If she hadn't visited my profile today, I would of just thought that she wasn't interested.