Need some advice - I dumped the only guy I've ever loved

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DO IT!! ! Do it now. I'm ordering you.

smudge: I've been feeling insecure lately because I'm unemployed and I've gained weight. I looked different back then when I dated him. Now that I think about it, I don't have much to offer. No job, no car, no apartment. I'm socially awkward. I think about the negative things more than the positive things. That's what happens when you're depressed, I guess.

Are you sure you're not reliving what could've been, just because your life is a downer at the moment? Maybe once your life is in gear again then you won't be thinking of this guy.

No? Then CONTACT HIM!

smudge: I thought about him during college, after I graduated, off and on for however long it's been...so I guess the answer to that would be no. But I will wait and get my s**t together and see how I feel after I start at a new job. I want to be independent and strong, not desperate and sad.

Silence your mind. Take a deep breath and just ask out loud, "Do I want to be with this guy?". Distract yourself about it for a few days and then see what thoughts come to mind.

I got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend after about 18 years. At the time I was still married, and it was a case of coming across a picture of the two of us together, and wondering how he was getting on. I sent a card - he was still at the same address - then I phoned. Spent about 2 hours on the phone, catching up with how family and friends we remembered were getting on.

A few months later, my marriage broke down, and a few months after that we met up. That was 7 years ago, and we've been in contact since then - sometimes with quite big gaps. For the past year, things have changed gear, and we are becoming much closer.

He was the guy that I always thought I met when I was too young. I thought about him over the years, and I am glad I took the step of getting back in touch.

It might not be a good idea to contact him at this moment then.
Do you think, perhaps, that he can somehow "save" you from the state you're in right now?
Could it be the reason why you want to contact him?
It would be best if you waited until you got a job and regained some confidence in yourself.

But you should do whatever you want to do. Like others said, you'll never know if you didn't try.

I think you should contact him. It's definitely not stalking. That would be if you were sneaking around, following him and he didn't want you to. Most of the time, guys are happy to hook up with their ex's. I think he would be flattered not offended. What about all the people that end up meeting their high school sweethearts many years later and marrying them? It's worth a shot!

As a side note, are you doing anything to counteract your anxiety and depression? Seeing a therapist? Taking meds? Doing other things that help? That might improve your chances of getting a new job.

Best wishes!

smudge: Good tips, thanks.

Marcia: Good to hear that you were glad you took that first step. Thanks for sharing your story.

Yuzu: I don't want to be saved or fixed or anything like that. That's not why I want to talk to him. But you're right, I should wait to contact him until I'm more confident in myself and have my s**t together.

Mercedes11: I'm concerned it might be cyberstalking if I contacted him online.
I'm considering going to a therapist. I'm trying to go to the gym more because I need to lose weight and exercise is good for alleviating stress and depression. And it would probably help with my job search. I was really nervous during my last interview, and I think it negatively affected my application. Thanks for the well wishes.

Thanks for all your replies so far. If you couldn't tell, I'm a very indecisive person, especially with something so complicated. But I want to improve myself and keep growing and maturing every day. I need to get out of my comfort zone and take a risk.

I am sorry, I haven't read all the posts in this thread so this may have already been addressed, but:

Is it fair to his guy to get in touch with him?



just sayin'

leafplant: That's a good point. I might not want to remind him of the past. I feel like either way, if I never got back in touch with him or if I did, I would do something wrong or say something wrong and mess it up. And the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings...again. I still don't know what I'll do, if anything. I don't want to do the wrong thing. And part of me feels like if he wanted to talk to me, he would have texted me or something by now. It's been a few years. I just don't know what to do.

Having spent almost 20 years getting over various "I wonder what could have been-s" I have (personally) come to the conclusion that I probably had lucky escapes all those times and I am absolutely certain that most guys will pursue you if they are interested. Of course, there are a few super shy and non self confident ones that won't pursue you, but those are best with someone who doesn't have the same issues and if you are indecisive than you can't be the right person for them.

Either way, if you are not happy in yourself, you are in no position to have a healthy relationship, so leave this guy on the shelf until you feel on top of the world and then- and only then, make a decision about whether to contact him. That's my advice. Take it or leave it. Either way, take care of yourself first, k?

leafplant: That's a good point, I need to be happy with myself first and foremost. I'll definitely take the needed steps to become more confident in myself.

I just rejoined Facebook and found his profile and it says he's in a relationship, but one of his other social media profiles says he's single. Neither of his profiles look like they've been updated recently. I would probably be better off not knowing which is true. I'm still very confused and indecisive at this point.

Leafplant, I think you have a good point here. I wasted many years of my twenties and late teens obsessing over whether or not a guy liked me. I've just started to figure that if a guy's interested, he'll pursue. If not, I should just move on. Don't call, text, e-mail, etc., if i'm not getting back what I'm putting in. It's worked wonders for my outlook and stopped my head from getting into too many loops.

LucySnowe: Thanks for your input. I'm wondering now if this isn't just me being obsessive and dwelling on the past, which I do a lot. But I don't want to have this regret any more. It would be nice to have closure and move on, but I don't know if I can.

And the non-pursuer type of guys will die forever alone....