Boyfriend on the spectrum?? or a socio path?

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This doesn't sound like sociapathy much.

I don't know, you said you guys were going through changes, maybe that's just a little too much to handle. My aspie best friend sometimes gets that way when things don't go according to his plan. I found that it was crucial not to bug him AT ALL during those times because that only makes communication worse. So I usually circle back to the issue a few days later when he's calm and over it. I know it's hard, because girls usually want to talk it out and make up, but that's not how thingsnwork in this case.

That said I still think you shouldn't allow him to use you as a punching bag. He's in a comfortable spot right know, there is a girlfriend by his side who satisfies his needs and takes his meltdowns and verbal abuse like it's her fault. Try to explain him that he is hurting you but only when he's calm.

A sociopath is someone who will journey through life without caring for the feelings of others. A typical example of this would be an NT who is a serial dater, constantly leaving one partner for the next because they are 'more fun' or a 'better prospect'. The people they leave behind have shattered lives but the sociopath is unaffected.

There are of course other sociopathic behaviors but this is the best example I can think of.

That sounds like emotional abuse. I very much doubt there is anything you can do at this point to make it better. He is already used to getting his way, and these tantrums are not acceptable adult behavior. My advice is to leave as soon as you can. It will be better for your health to remove that stress from your life, especially while you are already working on yourself and don't need the confusion, frustration, and misery that he is giving you.

No matter what is causing him to be that way, there's only one important thing: seriously, you need to call it quits on this relationship. Emotional abuse and the threat of physical abuse; passive aggressive moodiness -- trust me, this is not a healthy relationship and he is not an emotionally stable or healthy person.

I know whereof I speak, as I've been in a similarly abusive, messed up relationship with a very, very unstable, messed up person with deep, deep issues.

Right now it's not the most important thing to wonder what your boyfriend "is" in terms of explanations for why he behaves the way he does, and also right now it's not the most important thing that you have issues too that you bring to the situation -- all that actually matters is that this has become a really bad relationship, he is making you afraid, and you need to get out.

There doesn't seem to be any possibility of working with him on anything as he is unwilling to do that. There's a "point of no return" in relationships that start to go bad, and from everything you describe, you guys have passed that.

Trust me, when a partner is at that stage of emotional resistance against the other partner, there's nowhere to go but move on.

You are wasting years of your life on someone you can't heal with, deal with or get on an even keel. I tried too -- it just isn't going to happen. I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you probably love him anyway, but do you really want to keep living with this misery, and this unworkable person?

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I really, REALLY hate saying this, but I don't see how you two can be together. Doesn't matter WHY the relationship is abusive, just that it IS abusive. You can't keep this up long-term.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not have any tangible commitments to each other. You are allowed to break up.

I wouldn't give the same advice if you were married. I'd tell you to take all possible steps to fix your problems. What I'm reading here is you have a guy who isn't interested in fixing his problems. You're under no obligation to help him. He can't change unless he wants to change…and let's face it--people don't change and it isn't up to us to change them. If you want to maintain this relationship, you have to inform him that the choices he's making are not choices you can live with. Tell him that you'll leave him alone for a couple or three days to think about what he wants to do, and give him another chance. He makes one bad move after that and you're GONE.

I say "one bad move…" Be fair. Don't set him up for failure. Don't raise the bar or move the goalposts. Agree to reasonable and measurable goals in your relationship and go for that. You're both going to make mistakes. But you have to agree that THIS behavior or THAT behavior must STOP. If it's something that just annoys you a little but you could live with, it doesn't count. If it's something that really means a lot to you, though, and something you know you can't live with, then it's not just a matter of a guy changing his behavior to be the perfect guy for you. It becomes a matter of this guy just not being the right guy for you, period.

I often mention that the woman I married was (and is) my best friend. Best friends don't treat each other like dirt. Best friends love each other for who they are, not what the other person wants them to be. I have to figure out who I am, she has to figure out who she is, and "we" have to figure out who "we" are together. There is no change, no sacrifice, and no compromise. We bring the best we have together to the table and we help each other with the parts we don't like--that is, the parts about ourselves (individually) we don't like. If I want to change and I need her help, or if she wants to change and needs my help, we're there. We saw what we expected in a mate BEFORE we got married and have been going with it ever since.

The problem I see in your relationship is that there is no "together" here. You should reasonably expect certain behavior, and exactly what that means is entirely up to you. Some people can live with the person you're describing, and that's fine. Some people choose to be orderlies in nuthouses and they're happy there. Great. From what you've said, you're not that person. Crazy is hard to live with, but Crazy is even harder to get rid of. Get out now while you can. If you really care about this relationship, give it one last chance as I suggested earlier, i.e. communicate your displeasure with abusive behavior, give him time to think about whether he wants to continue the relationship, discuss how you want to go from there, and make a quick exit if he's unable to keep that up.

Most importantly, don't look at breaking up as punishment for not getting your way. Look at it as discovery that THIS relationship isn't the right relationship for either of you and that breaking up really is your best option. There will be no lingering hard feelings. The love is still there and always will be. But it is love that seeks the best in all things and everyone, even if it means dissolving the relationship.

So what happens when he starts hitting the kids?
If you won't get out for your sake, get out for theirs. Your "happy family" doesn't exist with what you've got now.

I am having a hard time dealing with my boyfriend. He has been lashing out and because for years we thought it was all due to my "bipolar" but I am not ASD, I have always taken the blame and tried to "fix" myself over and over to make things better. Now that I found out why I flip out and have meltdowns and tantrums, I see myself able to calm down and not "care" as much as before. SO, I have discovered that he has the same issues. No matter how calm I talk or try to tell him I do not mean what he things I mean, he continues to tell me I attack him with my words. He gets angry and will lash out at me. Tonight he through Tequilla in my face because he did not want to talk. He hides and balls up in this blank stare and he HATES talking about feelings. I mean worse than just a "guy thing". I feel he is on the spectrum because he stays cool till some little thing happens and he will explode and bring up a hundred things that have nothing to do with what we are "arguing" about. He zones into his games and if they are disturbed he will become the most mean and brutal person. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He hurts me and will blame his outlashes on me and he will give every reason to why it was a justified attack towards me. Even if I missread something he says, there is never a reason to hurt your partner. I have lashed out on him in the past before I understood about myself, now its easier to spot and they do not come on now unless I have been "threatened". I think thats why my parenter does. He thinks I am really attacking him, when I am just simply speaking my opinons. I told him he was getting his signals crossed and that he has trouble understanding what I say sometimes (I know NT and ASD have this issue but he sounds like me and has a hard time letting go like I do so it just seems more ASD like behavior) Then he will get this straight face and go mute. He will not want to work anything out and he will walk away and say "leave me alone" even if I dont even bother him. It just seems like ASD behavior. I am not saying I dont bug him, because I am sure I do. But he handles it inappropriately. I think his work is too much and he hates change so we are moving and I think the change and extra responsibility has crushed him which led him to explode. Either that or he really does not care that he hurts me and really wants me to believe its my fault because he gets very controlling or very antaganistic. I dont know I am getting afraid of him.

Tonight he through Tequilla in my face because he did not want to talk.

It strikes me as strange the way you tell us about his horrid behaviour and then proceed to make excuses for him.

I think this is a common thread that is shared in every abusive relationship I have seen; the relationship continues because one party excuses what should be inexcusable. They almost appear to pity their abuser, as if the abuser has no choice but to abuse and therefore isn't responsible for his/her actions.

Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist?
When I was in an abusive relationship (starts out great, being wooed and romanced, then moved away from my family, isolated, not allowed to make friends, the arguments you can't win against his dellusional mind, loss of privacy and personal finances, the physical abuse, the cycle of good period and sh** period leading to the abuse...) I thought I was the problem, I was depressed. If I could just be happy then maybe I would be happier with the relationship. So I saw a counsellor (or as he called her, my "kookoo doctor") and she was amazing. She helped me have an outside, impartial, realistic, logical perspective on the relationship which without her felt like I was trapped inside the funhouse with all those warped mirrors reflecting his warped reality back at me. I really didn't know what was 'right' anymore.
She gave me the moral and practical support to leave, and I felt great about it. Scary as hell, but once it was done and I got his voice out of my head. PHEW! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!
See if you can talk to someone professional, just you alone, not as a couple, about the situation. They will help you decide what to do and they will let you know what resources there are available in your area whether you decide to stay or leave.