NTs wanting to fix you

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Bunch of hard questions.

nick007 - you sound supportive. I think to take an interest in the problems of those we love, to be concerned about/for them, is a good thing.

It may be a language thing. But the word 'fix' is quite specific for me. It's different from help, or support, or caring for, which is how I'd describe your thinking and actions. It's a particular personality that gets so it wants to 'fix' someone, and one to be watchful for. Simply: it's good and nice to want to help someone. It's quite another thing to insist you help them, and help them in your own way, and if you can't help them to openly wonder if perhaps you ought not be together.


Granted, it's a small piece of information, but what rang an alarm for me is his talk that they might not be 'soul mates'. The OP is crying and trying to relate how distressed she is and why, and he responds that, if he can't fix her then maybe they aren't soul mates. That's not just not knowing what to say - which is understandable - but is making the focus not about the OP's concerns and hurt, but about him, and whether or not he can 'fix' her, and saying something really quite awful ("maybe we're not soul mates") when the OP is clearly vulnerable. The end result is, as OP said, that she now can't be honest with him lest she make him feel inadeqate - so she's carrying her own troubles and trying to not make him feel bad for it. That is, he has succesfully made it about his difficulty in 'fixing' her, not her problems that he deems he should 'fix'.

I took offense a bit when I saw that he said he couldn't 'fix' me. I wanted to tell him that I'm not a broken down van or something. I didn't. Now I don't know how to bring it up again. To tell him that I'm not seeking someone to 'fix' me.

It looks like the problem here is that he DOESN'T want to "fix" you and he thinks you should not be depressed or sad ever and if you do then he doesn't want to be with you. Anyone who says such a thing is NOT a decent person AT ALL and if he does break up with you oh well because he is not worth being with if he can't even be there for you, which is the main component of a relationship. You obviously cannot "be yourself" if you can't even tell him when you're sad and be comforted. Just because he accepts you superficially... well, a lot of people will do that, even if you haven't met them yet. If you are young and still talk about high school, that may be one reason why you haven't met them yet because people in high school or less are much less likely to act like decent human beings and not talk badly about your clothes or some crap, and even if there's decent people in your high school who don't do this you might not always fins or become friends with them. He's not even making any effort to understand your Asperger's so how can he be loving you for yourself at all?

And don't think he is doing this because he's NT. Myvex-boyfriend did this very frequently, either saying I am "faking" or saying (after I call him crying because my parents are abusive) "You shouldn't be callinge when I'm trying to play World of Warcraft.". Even though he was playing World of Warcraft 24/7 except for sleeping or occasional sex or house visit arranged through IM.

I was also thinking about how he hasn't done any reading about female Aspergers. But he told me that he has Parkinson's and as you can guess...I was up all night reading about it and how to not agitate it. But he still hasn't read about me at all. There's so many things that I want to say to him but I want to say it in a constructive way. I guess I should write out a script or something...

why not try writing a letter? i have similar issues talking out such things with people, so i've always found it helps to write out my feelings in a letter: that way i can give what i'm saying more thought, as well as have someone i trust proofread it for me to make sure it's clear and worded in a way that's constructive and not too critical (i struggle with that so getting another person's insight helps me understand how the letter's intended recipient might take what i'm saying). another good thing about letters is that he can read it away from you and on his own time and doesn't have to respond right away like he would in a conversation, so if he gets upset he will have time to sort out how he feels before he responds to you. this can be especially useful with sensitive/emotionally charged subjects. because of this i find communicating by letter more direct and less reactive than one-on-one conversation can be.

Brilliant idea.

Thirded. I don't think this is necessarily about ASD but about the tendency for guys to want to "solve" issues involving their significant others. This is so common with guys. Sometimes they don't understand that their partner just needs support and someone to listen rather than to have the situation "fixed".

I like the suggestion to write a letter to him about it.