Help me get some clarity regarding (relationship?)situation

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Sounds like you both have a crush on each other. Don't wait for her to decide, you can decide for yourself what you want, you already know the situation. If you decide to go for it, make your move. Its either a yes or a no, maybe is a waste of time.

Oh dear, matters of the heart are often painful and complicated it seems. I understand why you want closure. I've been there. I've been a bit too upfront before, saying things like, "so what's going on here?" I really did say that to him. His answer was, nothing. Well, I got closure, but he was always really friendly and we were close friends (he's happily married to someone else now) but I understand that whole making sure you're not missing out on an opportunity thing because of how close you feel to someone and you think maybe we can sort this out and things will be good.

The thing is often emotions can't be compartmentalized. Maybe she feels confused and doesn't really know how she feels. Maybe she'll never work out what she wants. Maybe you'll just keep on getting hurt by this girl.

Don't let this situation hold you back. It may be better for you to move on even though it hurts, even though she never actually says, no this is not going to work out. Maybe you need to be the one who makes the final decision.

Thanks for the input.

Thank you for the above(I believe it is compassion that is shown above. correct me if I am wrong).

It sounds to me like she's confused. She probably has conflicting feelings about the situation and is not sure she wants to leave her boyfriend. Remember she was feelings for him too, or else she would not be with him. I would tell her how you feel; that you are confused and that you have feelings for her, tell her clearly what you want, and leave it up to her to decide what she wants, and let things stay status quo and just play it cool until she makes up her mind. Be direct and let her know you want to take things a step further but if she is not certain, that you think it is better to stay friends.

"I would just simply stop talking to her and just not reply to her when she messages you."

I really don't think that's very nice or considerate of her feelings. It's always better to be honest. She may afterall always change her mind or break up with her boyfriend, and you want to be around in case that happens. And if you're waiting for her to leave her boyfriend, it may be that she is actually waiting to leave him until you make your intentions clear to her. A girl wouldn't want to leave her boyfriend unless she was first absolutely certain that 1. You were the one she really wanted and 2. That you felt the same way about her and would actually be there if that is what she decided. I think guys expect a girl to be able to make up her mind at the drop of a dime, but in reality, the heart is so much more complicated than that. She's probably feeling a bit torn between you two and it may be a very long time before she realizes what she wants. I would say that she probably likes you both but that because she was with her boyfriend first, she feels obligated to stay with him and is riding the relationship out to see where it goes.

I agree with everybody else on here that you need to just let it go. However, BEFORE you do that-make sure she knows what you want so she can then decide what she wants, and tell her that you are leaving it up to her now and not going to talk about it anymore unless she brings it up again. This will provoke her to thought and possibly action. She may very well have real feelings for you, but she may have been too quick to express them, not fully prepared to leave her boyfriend. In any case, I'd suggest you stick around and just not stress about it, keep your relationship at a friendly level and not get worked up. Things will work out at their own pace, it may not happen until after the other guy is out of the picture. Just don't get frustrated or pushy or try to pressure her. Continue to be supportive and friendly, because that is what attracted you to her in the first place.

I am trying to be friendly and supportive .. Will keep doing the same if she contacts me as well. Currently giving her space and not be pushy. Will wait and see if I can find a closure else will just let it be. Hope the waiting does not bog me down too much. I the mean time will try not to get the situation hold me back with other aspects of my life.

Yes I'm female, we tend more towards empathizing than giving step by step advice. I empathize and hope things will feel better for you over time.

Good. Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

Whether my advice is considered rude or mean to the girl or not "I would just stop talking to her and not respond when texting her", consider this from your perspective mtgrl.

How concerned would you be with your feelings when it is obvious that they don't care about yours? Or if they were telling you one day that you were the one they wanted, but then told you they would never leave the girlfriend? You can't just be concerned about the other's feelings here. You have to take into consideration your own peace and how well you are able to sleep at night as well. This would be a situation where I would let the person go... and I would not respond if I felt as if they were trying to dangle a carrot in front of me.

If you get the chance to say what you need to say, take it. Otherwise, you may have to wait for the next person. And despite what others on here might say on this forum, there will be another chance if it comes. Believe it.

Oh, goodness. She was having trouble with her boyfriend and was attracted to you, you told her that you were attracted to her, and she took that as a green light. She then signalled to you that she'd jump if you encouraged it. You did not, in fact you specifically didn't; you backed off, which to her either read like second thoughts or like you'd been toying with her. She patched things up with the bf and is now embarrassed about the entire thing. She wanted to just let it lie, but you came and stirred it up again, and now won't let it go. The normal thing to do in the situation is for both parties to pretend it never happened and go on, keeping a safe and polite distance.

She feels bad because she's not only embarrassed by the things that went on between you two, but she realizes that you missed the train and still don't know what happened.

This sort of thing goes on all the time. The ability to pretend it never happened is key to remaining friends afterwards.

^ that's a good point of view from her side.

Personally though, I tend to stay away from people who are already in relationships, because I don't like drama. But it all depends on your personality and what you value in a relationship, some people prefer it more passionate.

I would NEVER abandon a friend just because they weren't interested in a romantic relationship! That is just selfish. I wouldn't care about my own peace. When guys do stuff like that, that's what makes girls despise them-say they're your friend one minute, then turn on you when you don't give them what they want. That's the kind of stuff that people do that have made me vow off dating altogether. You can't trust a person like that.

Listen, I've gone out with LOTS of guys, and I know this one thing: Most guys (and girls too, I'm sure) out there are completely self-centered and only care about their own feelings. They pay no thought to what their romantic interest wants. They act like they love you and would never leave you one minute, pretend to be your best friend, but as soon as the romantic prospect fails, they just ditch you. It's like they just pretend to be nice guys so they can get a date. Such a thing leaves a person wondering if they ever cared about you at all, or just wanted somebody to give them attention. That's not a real friendship and it's not a good basis for any relationship. Of all the guys I've met, they all act like this, which is why I'm extremely wary of men and I have sworn off going out with anybody until they prove they're not like that. Lots of guys want me to go out with them, but there's only one guy I would ever go out with if he asked. He's my best friend who's always been there for me for 5 years and treated me the same way whether he had a girlfriend or I had a boyfriend or not. He's proved that he really genuinely cares about me and not just himself. He's proved he's a real friend, and I know I can trust him. And that's why I'd choose him over anybody else. More guys should be like him. Instead of lamenting over being friendzoned, they ought to consider if they are really being authentic friends or if they are just hanging out with a girl so they can go out with her. There's a big difference. And girls know that difference. I am sick and tired of phony friends who only want to be with me so they can get something from me.

I would never go out with somebody unless they were a true friend and not just hanging around in order to win my affection. I know a lot of guys talk about how they don't understand why girls don't go out with more "nice guys" instead of friendzoning them, what they don't understand is that that girl has probably got about 10 guy friends who are being "friendly" to her and she can't pick all of them. And she probably doesn't want any of them, because she can tell they're being very phony and pretentious in order to get a date. They aren't really nice guys, you can tell they have ulterior motives. If you do go out with somebody like that, they usually end up showing their true colors later on. They may think they're pretty decent guys, but if they're only being nice to somebody to get a date, that's selfish and a lousy thing to do. Be nice because it's who you are, not because you want somebody to like you.

People need to learn one thing: Just because somebody doesn't want to date you doesn't mean they don't care about you. Chances are they care about you very much. She is not deliberately trying to hurt your feelings, she is just confused about her own. You should never take a person's friendship for granted. There are very few real friends out there. Most people will only stick around if you will give them something like money or date them. Very few want to be around you just because they like you and care about you. If she still wants to be with you even though she's dating somebody else, you have a special bond there, one more important than a fling. It may not be all you want it to be, but stick around and if you're genuinely a true and caring friend it may become more. Don't just be with somebody because you want to get something like a date. That's really not a good motive.

Also, if you're going to be a jerk and say this is just too much for me to handle, atleast be a man about it and tell her the truth instead of just avoiding her. That's cowardly. It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry, but this has just been very hard on me and I need some space from the situation." It's much more hurtful to simply not return any phone calls and leave her cruelly wondering what happened.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's just the honest truth.



I agree. It's natural to reach out to an attractive friend when you are having troubles with your boyfriend. Although backing off may have been a wise thing to do in this case, since she didn't have sufficient time to get over him and think things through, which you really should do before entering a new relationship. People will often prematurely seek somebody new to replace something broken when they are still grieving over the past. The urge to move on is especially strong right after a break up, when what they really need to do is take some time to get over what happened first. She may not have been thinking through coherently at the time of her distress and was reaching for comfort. She was unsure that her relationship was going to work out and impulsively looked for somebody she trusted-her friend, whom she had some feelings for-to turn to. She wanted a friend to comfort her and also a man to help heal the wounds. Had things not worked out with her boyfriend, as she was most certainly anticipating, she most likely would have then pursued you further, but unfortunately it appears that the trouble between them ended and she decided to give him another chance afterall. Don't take it personally, it really didn't have anything to do with you. She liked you but she was too quick to express her feelings and should have waited until their relationship was officially over before she started to look for somebody new. It was impulsive on her part and she probably had no idea the impact it had on you. But be flattered because that means you were the first person she would pick if things went wrong.

mtgirl, I feel as if you missed the point of what I said as it seems your long message told me so. I don't know if you assume I abandoned the one I am talking about. Did I abandon any girls? No. In fact, I told them I wanted the hell away from them. It seems pretty clear that you also made the assumption that I am a bad person. I don't think i would have stuck around with my girlfriend if I was anywhere near as selfish as you think I am. Spending time with her is the highlight of many days and hours I spend with her. I find it peaceful and relaxing and very safe. I can be me around her and she can be herself.

My situation: I get involved with girl during what I thought was a breakup between her and BF. I tell her how I feel, she is suddenly back with the BF and says "I'm never leaving him." I feel incredibly rejected. Hanging out as friends feels awkward, and I see her getting touchy-feely with another guy in the group of friends we met. I get even more confused. She leaves town for a weekend with the guy and I have no idea if the two are together. Instead of trying to wrap my head around it, I decided to leave. She decides to talk me out of it and we get involved again and she still doesn't want to leave BF. She eventually breaks up with him, we date... she cheats on me with him and goes back to him and I get mad at her for it. Fling/relationship over. four months of being friends she begins cycle again with different guy and I express disappointment in her after she has told me she would never cheat again. I also tell her I can't deal with her behavior at the time and want a bit of breathing space. She gets mad at me. Friendship over. Of course, my communication skills could have been better at the time, but I did the best with what I could.

This and tarantella's post is something I will have to agree with. Been burned by the type looking to fill a void from a breakup. But on a side note: I find the type that is getting over a breakup or is still in a relationship often has high or unrealistic expectations and I find it can be very exhausting to even attempt at meeting their needs. You just lose interest in that person the more they expect and the more stressed out you feel around them.



This was directed towards the OP in case anyone was ever confused about it.

I understand your point on "You have to take into consideration your own peace and how well you are able to sleep at night as well." This is why I wanted to let go of the situation and let it be after a series of 3 calls. But got dragged back into it again. I could have easily ignored her. But, as I have said here before, She has been an extremely close friend with whom I have shared a really good understanding(intellectually and emotionally). I cannot simply ignore my 4.5 years of good friendship with her. Right now I have given her space and (since she is still feels bad) told her she can talk to me when she feels like. I am not contacting her proactively.

Yes, at times, I feel angry, I feel let down by an close friend. But, I have my limits. The moment I get an proper assurance that "she is trying to dangle a carrot in front of me." I would let her know about this and cut contact with her.

I did not understant what you mean by
P.S. I am not expecting reciprocation to my feelings as a exact outcome. I just am trying to find closure since I think I know her well as a person (according to her as well).

Last edited by bromide on 01 Jun 2014, 10:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

Thank you again .

When you are in a relationship where you are looking for the long term, It is the responsibility of the couple to not act impulsively on feelings around somebody they feel attracted to other than the current partner. Imagine how would her boyfriend feel if he comes to know she had messaged a close guy friend of hers that, she likes him and not to inform her boyfriend. This is my ideal and I think I am right.

One thing I would like to tell is that, this has been happening over time. Not just when they had problems with their relationship.

Basically the above is what flirting is about. Its okay to do it when you are single. But when you are involved, if your emotions are that flimsy, it will cause you problems. It might mean that they don't have enough love between them or they are in a relationship just for the sake of having one and trying to get the relationship to work. Pretending that it never happened is not a good thing to do. We must address the situation and do the necessary.


She may be embarrassed but that does not mean that she has to run away from the situation. She played an active part in it and still is involved in the situation despite of me telling her "I just need a closure. I am not expecting reciprocation."

Last edited by bromide on 01 Jun 2014, 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.