Physical chemistry/attraction

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I am a life/dating coach focusing on helping people with ASD so please feel free to ask me any questions you have, or check out my website

Hey Stargazer

When you find that on your dates you aren't developing sexual chemistry and you think you come off as a friend, its because your not polarizing your dates.

What I mean by this is that women are generally reactive to the moves a man makes. So if you don't make some sort of move she will most likely end up (at least subconsciously) thinking that you aren't interested - and then stop thinking of you as a romantic interest (enter the dreaded 'friendzone').

The way to prevent this happening is as I said, to polarize on your dates. This sounds pretty unpleasant but all it really means is making your intention clear - which forces your date to make a decision about you one way or another!

And here are a couple of extra points to consider:

1. women are natrually attracted to men who are attracted to them (and show it!)

2. Because of the way men and women tend to naturally interact, she is probably going to wait for YOU to make the first move.


As you are uncomfortable by escalating using physical touch (not a bad thing to be wary of!) it might seem like this is tough to do, but there are other ways you can do this.

You can make it clear by flirting and paying her pointed compliments (you look amazing in those jeans, or 'your eyes are very inviting'). Say this sort of stuff, and she will get the idea pretty quickly!

Anyway, I hope this helps.
I am a life/dating coach focusing on helping people with ASD so please feel free to ask me any questions you have, or check out my website

I laughed at the joke about you, not at the OP or anything in this thread. OOM's joke was funny.

As for your advice, I disagree with it.

"Polarizing," someone is good advice. It let's you know where you stand - i.e. if there's romantic interest from the other person or not. It's a date, not platonic friends meeting up for some activity. The whole point of a date is to see if there's romantic chemistry between people. Finding out is generally good advice, IMO.

Also, there are plenty of things people can do to make themselves more attractive. Whether it's diet and exercise, or changing their behaviour, improving their hygiene or dress, if you want to attract someone it's generally good advice to make yourself as attractive as possible vs. doing as you've always done and getting as you've always gotten.

What happens if you're unintentionally creepy and unpleasant and don't know or understand why you're seen as creepy and unpleasant?

I laughed at the joke about you, not at the OP or anything in this thread. OOM's joke was funny.

Also, there are plenty of things people can do to make themselves more attractive. Whether it's diet and exercise, or changing their behaviour, improving their hygiene or dress, if you want to attract someone it's generally good advice to make yourself as attractive as possible vs. doing as you've always done and getting as you've always gotten.

No. Trying to force a response from someone is...man, you're going to get yourself in trouble, and it'll be well-deserved. Do not force people, do not bully people.

For you, the point of a date may be "do we want to f**k", but for many people, it is not. For many people, that's only one part of what may become a romantic/sexual relationship. Your thinking about these things is very black/white, and to advise people to follow this model as though it's the only one is a mistake. As is any advice that is to do with essentially playing strategy games with a date. That's another person, not someone for you to use. If that person feels like giving you a signal, I'm sure he will.

Also, that's simply unkind, and unnecessary. I don't want to turn every thread into a consent thread, but jeering at things you don't know how to do (or understand the reasons for) isn't kind or necessary, either.

If you want to be fit because you enjoy it and value your own health, do it. (It's a good idea.) You like looking sharp, do it. But don't do these things because you're after a date. You won't stick with it and you'll be misleading someone else about who you are.

I'm extremely hesitant to make this post, because it is one of the more difficult subjects for me to discuss (even online/anonymously), but I guess I may as well go ahead...no pain, no gain right? My question is, how do you typically develop attraction and physical chemistry when dating?

I ask because, while this may not be my only issue, I think that it is a major one that limits me. I feel like I connect with many of the people I go out with fairly well on an emotional level, but not at all on a physical or sexual level. I don't do any sort of touching or sexual talk on dates, partly because I'm very uncomfortable with that stuff and partly because it just seems disrespectful and weird to me if you aren't in a committed relationship. But I notice that in much of the dating advice and stories I see online, it is filled with people discussing that stuff (Like "I grabbed her hand during dinner to see if she was receptive to my touch, then moved in closer", I see things similar to this a lot). I worry that by not doing any of this, I perhaps make myself out to be a good friend, but not a boyfriend? Is all of that touching/hugging/kissing a requirement when dating? I should note that I am not looking for anything casual or sexual (at least in the near-term), I'm looking purely for a long-term relationship.

I also worry that maybe I am just plain ugly. I'm in pretty good shape, and I feel like I'm moderately attractive when I look at myself in the mirror, but my personal perceptions don't seem to translate to my dating experiences. Then again, I do know that plenty of people far less attractive than myself are in successful relationships. Looking back, I can't think of a single instance where I actually felt like someone was physically attracted to me.

I'm planning to see a therapist soon to try and work on my dating difficulties, but I worry about how much they will be able to help me.

"There's Chemistry" is just a gentled water-downed term used mostly by women, thanks to the influence of hollywood and love stories, to mean "he can make me horny" or "he's an arousal material". There's "no chemistry" = "he makes my thing dry no matter what he does".

Chemistry means sexual attraction. Period.

It's not bullying to try to get a response from a date in order to determine whether they're interested in continuing to date you or not. IMO, it's basic common sense that it would be beneficial to both parties to figure out if there's any chemistry and there should be a second date, or any sort of romantic advances, vs. just hanging out like you would with a platonic friend, a sibling or relative. It's a date, after all, and chances are really quite good that you've made a first impression of some sort already and the other person has made a decision about you. In the interest of open, fair, transparent communication & respecting one another's decisions as well as time, I believe it's very good advice to find out whether the other person is interested in you or not.

I never said anything about "do we want to f**k," but if that's what someone is after & there are appropriate signals to find out, then by all means, find out vs. just wonder or guess. Further, courtship, no matter the species, is a strategy game. It's the very nature of dating someone, attempting to attract them, showing interest in them without being over the top or off putting etc - a fine balance, but when there's chemistry and people get things right, people hit it off. Or birds, or bees.. and so on.

Men are shallow and only care about looks, women simply don't feel any chemistry.

Okay, so someone before was asking what "sexist" is. Here we go. ^^^ All of the above.

Can I be tedious? (Sure.) There's more to chemistry than hottts. There's the whole simpatico thing, the sense that you've met someone who really suits you. There's a real charge from that.

Also, there are plenty of things people can do to make themselves more attractive. Whether it's diet and exercise, or changing their behaviour, improving their hygiene or dress, if you want to attract someone it's generally good advice to make yourself as attractive as possible vs. doing as you've always done and getting as you've always gotten.

I agree with everything Tarantella just said, but want to add one question:

Have you ever been physically attracted to someone?

Because if you aren't there will surely be no chemistry, nor should there be and you don't really want this kind of relationship. If you do feel attracted to others but they don't reciprocate, you may need to work in therapy on things that you might be doing to make yourself repellant.

I would try to find a lady whom you have common interests in. You could talk about those for hours. You could just be with each other. Cook something together, go the movies together, while sharing that common interest.

After a while, when you know you both "click," look into her pretty eyes, and tell her she has pretty eyes. Say that you guys have lots in common--I really want to take this further!

Sure. But you don't have to play games to do that, and I don't know why you would. You can just ask, using those amazing word things we were talking about. "Would you be interested in doing this again?"



If you're involving strategy, you're complicating things unnecessarily and playing games. "Do you want this?" "Yes." "Do you?" "Yes." Very good, everyone happy. Or "what are you looking for?" and so on. Words, they're unbelievably handy.

Everything you want in a partner but no chemistry--will it work ...
forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8041645.aspx
Aug 18, 2007 - 25 posts - ‎23 authors

A yahoo thread: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/inde ... 123AA84QZG






Another one started by a woman:
http://www.datehookup.com/Thread-1069644.htm


A thread titled:

My question is, how do you typically develop attraction and physical chemistry when dating?