my mother doesnt' want me to date an asperger

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She's trying to help you.

The thing is that there really are a lot of people who wind up in terrible marriages to spouses with AS, and who really struggle because of it. There are sometimes real and significant deficits that the spouse winds up having to handle, deal with. There is an element of heritability, though nobody understands how it really works. There are also stories from...well, wives, mostly, about having been a beloved "special interest" who gets dropped like a hot potato as soon as the intense interest fades.

The question is whether you're going to have problems with this guy. Not ASPERGERS MAN. How does he manage in life now? If you guys get more serious, I'd strongly suggest living together for a long time -- a year or two -- before you go any further. If you're dating, there's plenty you don't see. He's also likely still in "impress the girl" mode. Live together -- don't have kids, just live together -- and see if you really are winding up in a caregiver role. If you are, maybe reconsider, unless you want to spend many years that way. If not, and if you're having a good time -- well, there you go.

WP has helicopter parents without even having requested them...

The dialog with you and your mom will probably depend primarily upon the way you interpret your 1st language, perhaps teach him something... Not English?

For OP, a year or 2 is, by comparison to your published experiences, probably a HUGE imposition. Most people my age certainly cannot afford to live where we choose.

For OP, a year or 2 is, by comparison to your published experiences, probably a HUGE imposition. Most people my age certainly cannot afford to live where we choose.

She didn't say how old she was.

When people who're in their 20s and are dating get serious about it and are thinking about maybe-marriage, unless they're very religious they'll often move in together, partly to save money on rent. It's pretty common. Sometimes there's a roommate or two in the mix, depending on local rents.

It's also a good idea for her. If her guy tends to get swept away by ideas, and suddenly gets full-court-press romantic about getting married, she may get caught up in the romance and go along with it even though she doesn't really know what he's like to live with. Divorce isn't fun and it's especially not-fun with kids involved. So -- better to have a trial run first. After a year any "on best behavior" stuff should've vanished and they'll both have a clearer idea of what life with the other will be like.

Of course parents try to help. But there are no perfect people, and stereotyping that men with Aspergers make lousy partners has about as much validity as any negative stereotype.

Jerks who have Aspergers are still jerks. And it isn't about the Aspergers.

Yes, and many or even most of those wives are really just selfish and expect the AS partner to read their minds the whole time without trying to meet their needs first. They don't understand that they're just communication issues and they don't even try to communicate with them better. You only have to read the posts on forums like ASPartners on Delphi forums if you don't believe me.

Their nags are the same of many wives of NTs in failing relationships.

ie. "I am so upset at him because he's not flirting me so I've decided to go silent to make him understand boohoo!".

Like others have said you should stay with him if you really like him. Maybe your mother's just being overprotective and doesn't understand AS (most people don't) and will get used to it when she gets to know him and starts seeing him as the person he really is. If not and she continues to be ignorant then perhaps you'll need to tell her more forcefully that she doesn't have the right to tell you who you see. After all if you left this guy because of his condition then how long before there's another who fails to meet her criteria.

There are already millions, OP simply has not met them yet.

Obviosly I am aware breakups suck. My parents divorced, welcome to earth! No one I know with any (still alive) parents has the time to take on their social customs in such capacaties. Poor girl probably HAS HOMEWORK.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq94ga_110s[/youtube]

I don't think that's quite fair. I wouldn't say "lousy partner" but I would say "potentially unusually difficult and exhausting partner". And I don't think all these women are making up the bit about the feeling of loneliness in the marriage.

AS involves real social deficits, and if you're married to someone with AS, guess what, you're probably going to wind up being that person's interface with the world, making a lot of translations for him, also making a lot of excuses for him and smoothing feathers he doesn't even know are ruffled. You may wind up doing all the transportation, keeping things organized, developing and managing the social life, working to get that person out of the house and doing things with family. Or filling in for that person when he just won't...be part of family. You may find you're responsible for more of the breadwinning than you'd expected, or all of it. Or having a child may really rock things so hard for him that he essentially checks out, vanishes to his room and leaves you with the job of...pretty much everything else.

He may really be trying, but just unable to take these things on. And if he's young and wants to believe he can do these things, and you believe it too...well, you're going to wind up doing all those things he really can't. It can be a significant burden. And it can be worse if he stops being emotionally responsive...or if you find that he was only simulating emotional responsiveness in the early days because he thought it was what he was supposed to do.

I think everyone here knows that there's a very broad spectrum, but to say these things don't happen is just wrong, I think. And it's got nothing to do with jerkiness, everything to do with AS. The OP has only dated the guy for a few months and doesn't live with him, so it's possible her mom is right, even if she's phrased it hurtfully. It could be that the OP finds his problems are minimal, or that she doesn't mind helping him. But if she loves him, it's worth finding out before she commits.

I know that seems unfair to you. But I don't see any benefit to pretending that selfish behavior is okay. And I'm not sure where you're coming from to say that naming jerkiness means saying anyone is making anything up.


All these things can happen. But there are plenty of people who don't give up, don't check out and some have AS some don't. If you look through the Parenting section here there are incredibly committed parents identifying as having ASD who don't check out. Is life easier if neither partner has AS? I wouldn't know, never tried it. But clearly there is something else at work.


Yes. That is awful. Neurotypicals have their awful ways of treating one another too.


Not saying that problems don't come up. But most of the divorces, the domestic violence, the alcoholics and the mentally ill are not about AS and they cause tremendous suffering.

I agree with you that the OPs mother may be right, and if there isn't a reason not to, getting to know each other well is a good idea.

But since when did men with AS become not responsible for their actions? Since when did refusing to follow through on commitments or withdrawing or being a jerk become ok? What I am saying is that AS is not a degenerative condition. And although people with AS may be more easily overwhelmed, not trying to do what matters to ones partner that one once could do certainly seems to me to be jerky behavior. And people with AS who were once able to compromise and socialize may, like anyone, stop, and may fail to see it hurts their families. But they aren't helpless children needing care.

Your parents don't sound very clued up. I don't think you should dump him if you're happy just because of them.