so if you didn't feel like you had to get a girl....

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^^ Yes, it's pretty offensive too, it's based on the assumption that we guys here want any woman. Surely I wouldn't date the OP even if she begs me to.

Of course it's based on the assumption that we guys want any woman. That seems to be a common belief held among certain types of women. We literally cannot win this argument, because every time it's mentioned that most men are in fact not like horny dogs trying to shag anything that moves, it gets completely ignored and somehow gets turned into accusations of the man being sexist

I'll add to that and say it's the same for gay men. The stereotype is that gay guys will do any other guy. Some women believe this, many men believe this. I guess they base it on the fact that most guys are horny animals.. and guys being guys, gay guys supposedly will do any guy. That's a big part of where homophobia comes from in some straight guys, IMO, as they have this assumption that gay guys want to do them. Fact of the matter is that us gay guys have our standards & types, too. I'm not attracted to every type of guy, only specific ones. The same holds true for pretty much every gay guy I've ever met. Just like heterosexual men, sure, there may be a few that will literally do anything that moves (or doesn't.. ew.) but the typical reality is that we have our types and preferences just like everyone else out there.

Very true. I went to a gay club with a gay female friend once and when I told my male flatmates where I'd been they were shocked and were asking, quite seriously, if anyone had propositioned me. I wasn't. I remember being a little disappointed at the time cos I wanted someone to fancy me, even if I couldn't fancy them back :p

Laddo, Boo, etc.: no, you're misreading and making assumptions. The idea isn't that a guy will be happy with anything breathing so long as it's female. If you listen to a lot of threads on this forum, you hear a good deal of "I'm very confused and unhappy, I want a girlfriend but I keep getting rejected/am I a loser because I'm XX years old and don't have a girlfriend/will anyone ever want to marry me, all my friends are married". And there's this tremendous pressure to FIND SOMEONE, along with truckloads of ridiculous advice about getting out there and just throwing yourself at women, asking women out, approachig women on the street, going hunting at social events, etc. Plus endless complaining about how women won't make the first move and expect men to (which is utter BS, but it doesn't seem to go away). All of which seems to end, frequently, in "I live my life in fear of being rejected by women." And that by itself, I'd think, would be a fine source of misogyny.

I began to wonder how much the "how do I do this" posters actually wanted girlfriends/wives/relationships, and how much they simply felt that this is part of the equipment necessary to be functional in society, how much it was something they were supposed to want.

Most of my friends are women -- this is what happens when you're a mother. But in nearly ten years of single motherhood, I've very seldom had anyone try to tell me what I should want when it comes to love, dating, etc. A few people have tried to fix me up (usually without telling me), and backed off immediately when I wasn't interested. It was actually pretty insulting one time, because I realized what was going on via the guy's reaction -- my hosts must've told him I'd adore him, was a sure thing, etc., and I was completely uninterested, didn't want to sit and chat with him; he looked very hurt. Nor have friends pushed me to go out and find a man. But again, maybe it's a class/social thing. Nearly all my women friends, young and old, expect or expected to have professions, their own lives. There was never any sense of social doom without marriage. I can't remember the last time we inquired about each others' sex lives, either, but -- no, the conversations are very much along the lines of "what are you doing with your life, are you happy, what have you been thinking about, what are you doing next, how is your kid/sister/mom/etc."

Boo, the next time you respond in an argument by resorting to "woman is not f***able/dateable" or any other ad-hominem remark, sexist or otherwise, I will ask the mods to delete your comment, regardless of who it's aimed at.

How is being afraid of rejection misogyny? Seriously. Misogyny by definition means the belief that women are inferior. I cannot see how a man having extremely low self-esteem is in any way suggesting either gender is superior or inferior. It's the OPs of those threads believing they themselves are inferior. This is exactly the sort of thing I've mentioned before - men's insecurities are classed as sexist, pathetic, weak etc.

Women very rarely do make the first move. It's a deep-seated tradition based on old laws that stated that only a man can propose to women. As marriage has become less important these days, the effect has been passed on to normal relationships.

Men do have insecurities, you know. They have fear of rejection, fear that they're not good enough etc. Just like women do. Like I said before, just because you yourself don't feel pressured to find someone to love you, doesn't mean everyone should be the same. Some of us can't help being insecure about ourselves, and some of us have been rejected so many times in the past that we believe it's us that is the problem. Other posters are just trying to help someone in need and lower their self-loathing

Yes, that's right, that's what I'm talking about. Relationships. Mostly. There's also chronic worrying here over virginity. And I never said that men with AS don't need love, thought never crossed my mind.



Thank you, that's important. It seems to me a sharply limited view, though. *Lots* of people have trouble finding a lasting relationship. If you go wandering around dating sites, you'll see people who've been there for, literally, years. Years and years. I set up an OKC profile, um...six years ago? I took the real profile down long ago, but kept my ghost account, and now and then I go back just to look around. And holy crap, it's the same people. I'm watching them age in realtime. A giant proportion of adults in the US live on their own, no partner.

Last edited by tarantella64 on 13 Jul 2014, 12:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think it's a social thing at all.

Or, I don't think it's the social thing where the drive comes from.

People would still feel bad regardless of whether socially they weren't considered a loser.

The social aspect is just a complication.

I will tell you something that's common in my family though.

My nan reached 45 ( after multiple relationships that wore her out) and one day decided she'd had enough. From that day forward she never even considered wanting to be involved with anyone.

My mum recently confessed to me that she was only seeing her boyfriend for him. She is amazingly anti social. I mean, she's nice to people, concerned, non of the nasty anti social that you sometimes see, but give her a choice and she would gladly shove all her visitors out and spend all night ever night enjoying herself doing her own thing.

Im 34 and I think I finally reached that point too and its amazing. I have completely conquered my biological urge to be involved with someone. Before now, I couldn't settle, I couldn't truly be happy ( even though I did good job of ignoring it).

All the things that I felt I was holding off with because I wanted to be involved with someone before I tried them I can now do. I'm being so amazingly selfish now and it's amazing, I'm so happy. I don't need other people at all, I've conquered that urge. Or rather, I've conquered the mating urge. Honestly, I think it was even stopping me from making friends even.

So i believe it's a biological thing and absolutely not a social thing. No one is driven to find a mate because of what society thinks, least of all males and males on the spectrum at that. That's an nt thing to be driven by society.

Btw op, I know it's a common thing to do to assume us aspies are borderline ret*ds and complete losers all, but this is somewhere that only the most intelligent aspies reach, you shouldn't assume so much. I've no doubt that at least some of the people here are highly successful in everything but love, and plenty are successful at that. Please don't talk down to aspies like us because I personally would blow your world away if you ever met me and that's just me. I certainly don't appreciate being talked down to when by rights I could easily be talking down to you.

So in other words, people who want a relationship are pathetic. I wasn't aware that this forum is a placed to be judged for being themselves. People want to be loved, because being loved is a nice feeling. If wanting nice feelings is pathetic, hell, we should all just kill ourselves right now

Misogyny is fear and hatred of women, which leads to classing them as an inferior/disgusting/otherwise bad set of people. Fear can lead to hatred.



We've had this conversation repeatedly on this site, where women come out of the woodwork and say, No, I ask men out. The response is the guys covering their ears and saying La la la I can't hear you, women make you ask them out.

I cannot recall the last time I met a young woman who was so tradition-bound she wouldn't ask a guy she fancied out. Unless he was in a relationship already.



You're missing my point.

Yes, I know men have insecurities. Everyone does. But if the message you're getting is "you must have a woman or you're a loser, get out there and try try try", well goodness, of course that's going to color your life. And you're going to look at it like it's imperative that you go out and be aggressive about it, so that if you don't you're a loser, and if you do, well, sure, you're going to get rejected lots. Just as women would be rejected lots if we went out asking anything attractive with trousers for a date. The key point here is how compelled you feel to search aggressively, asking and asking. And if you subscribe to this myth that "women don't ask so it's on you", then you'll miss a salient point: women don't usually go after men they don't really, truly want to date, when they really, truly want to date. And I would say that that's because women face a much lower social penalty if they don't date and don't marry. Largely because of feminism's successes.
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Uh, no. That's a pretty wild misreading of everything I've written here.

Fear of rejection is not the same as fear of women. I don't hate women, but have a fear of rejection by them. Which is based on... rejection from them. I've been told many times that I'm not good enough for women, by women. How do you expect this will make someone feel? A lot of women are afraid of rejection by men, too. That doesn't mean they hate men. Incidentally, does that mean women who go to women-only gyms for fear of men checking them out are misandrists?

Yeah, some women do ask men out. That doesn't mean it's common. Some people have Asperger's. Doesn't mean it's common. The vast majority of women I've known have always been asked out by the guy. I've known a lot of guys to lose out on chances for relationships because despite both parties being attracted to each other, the guy has been afraid to ask the girl out and nothing ever comes of it.

Again, fear of rejection and fear of never losing your virginity is something a lot of men cannot help. Gay men also fear being rejected by other gay men, but this has only been mentioned once in this thread. Hetero women have fears of rejection. I've talked to and consoled a lot of them. Gay women also have fears of rejection from other women. Again, I've consoled one or two about it

How is this supposed to be any different from any other social circle, male or female, hetero gay or otherwise?

Newsflash: People don't tend to go around boasting about their sex lives or inquiring about their friends' sex lives. Everyone else out there has normal friendships, relationships, and that typical daily conversation topics that go along with them. In my experience it's quite rare than anyone ever mentions their sex life, and even rarer that anyone inquires about anyone else'.

It seems that defending yourself against attacks on your personality is a heinous crime on here, according to certain members. It's getting dangerously close to bullying

Actually, where I live a lot of people (or women at any rate) seem to constantly blather on about their sex lives... the sex lives of their daughters.... and also seem excessively interested in what I'm doing sexually as well.

It's one of the reasons that I'm not especially sociable with my peers.
They just seem sex obsessive, a lot of them.

But well, in this area watching TV, going to work, going to the pub, and shagging seem to be the four top activities for many people.
So it's what a lot of them talk about.

Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about (or who you're talking about). Whose personality is being attacked, what defense, and which members are you talking about?