unrequited love

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i am happy around my friend bc he understands me and the way i think without having to ask. he always knows the right things to say, whenever i am down or something is bothering me he is right there to talk it out with me, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may be for him. he's easy to talk to and joke around with. plus we have actual conversations where he contributes to the dialogue, and most of our conversations are either fun, meaningful, or both.

i'm awkward around my boyfriend bc a lot of the time i do not know what to say, or what the right thing to say is. we are very different from each other. we both lack social skills, but i am AS whereas he is NT. often it is like talking in different languages. i'm also awkward bc i do not know what he expects from me and i am constantly trying to figure out both what i am going to say and what his point of view is, something i cannot naturally do. what we lack in communication though we make up in effort to keep trying. we're both really stubborn and want to make things work. last night i told him that i am not happy and i was shocked how upset he was by that and that i wouldn't say i love you to him. he wants to work it out and do what he can to understand me better, but i'm at a loss how to make it work, even though i do still love him.

advice on how to work things out with my boyfriend and also advice on how to get over my friend would be much appreciated. also, is it ok to grieve? i feel as though i've i've "broken up" with my friend in the sense that i can never have him (he is still my friend).

Both your friend and your boyfriend sound like good men. If the latter is willing to work things through with you this may be well worth striving for. With regard to "getting over" the friend I am afraid that I am not really a competent advisor, as I am having the same difficulty getting over someone else. But I hope that things work out for you!

Giving up on your friend? Noway. Don't do that. Very bad idea. If he's willing to be there for you no matter what, then he obviously is a very loyal and good friend to have.

Who on earth (it certainly was not me) suggested she give up her friend? There is nothing immoral about being friends with someone of the opposite gender other than your current partner, even if you are infatuated with this friend (though there are issues - they are with the infatuation, not the friendship). And both men were loyal: both of them as friends but only one as boyfriend, unfortunately not the one she is most at ease with and attracted to. Her friend is clearly a loyal and understanding friend; but he has made it clear that he is not interested in romance, and presumably might be appalled at any suggestion that he "steal" someone else's girlfriend. Is it possible to continue as just friends with the friend without the less platonic feelings clouding things? Is it possible to resolve issues with boyfriend? If not and you can part hopefully (reasonably) amicably (though he does sound attached judging by his being so upset) then perhaps you could talk with your friend (whom you seem to be able to talk with well) about whether he may have revised his views on romance - though wait a decent period. He may have done so, may have felt something for you, but remained silent out of respect for you already having a boyfriend. I do not know, but wish you well.

Now I see where the Gamester may have been confused. I said "getting over" her friend. I meant her non-platonic love with her friend; I should have made this clearer. There is no earthly reason to give him up as a friend. He is clearly a very good friend.

Alex, I see what you were thinking when you responded with the second thing.

I wasn't saying that she should concider giving up on the guy who she likes more as a friend. But if she is having problems with her boyfriend, then I sugguest that they talk about these problems. Jnet. talk with your boyfriend, if you're worried that the relationship isn't working, then try and talk to him about your worries, trust me, any guy who is dating a woman, and this guy must be a great guy, would want to know what their lady thinks. Out of curi, and this is a question I find is pertinant, does your boyfriend know that you are AS? Because you feel that there are two languages being spoken, its probably because you aren't sure what level your relationship is on. Out of curi, how long have you two been dating? If over a year, then i can understand why things might be confusing somewhat.

We have been dating for one year and four months. I have just recently told him that I suspect that I have AS (within the past month), mainly bc I wasn't sure myself.

and how has he responded to you saying that? Is he okay with it?

nonchalantly. doesn't seem to bother him, though he does seem to want to understand. problem is, i think he is too nonchalant. i wish he would read some of the stuff i send him or ask more questions. he thinks it is something easy to understand so not too much effort needed on his part to "fix" things, specifically our communication. he says i know myself better than he does, and he is sure that i can handle it. may be true that i can handle it, but i WANT to be understood, very badly. he says he is planning to read the sensory integration paper i sent him today, but he has been putting it off for over a week. maybe i am just more obsessive about reading to understand, he does not like to read, and reading to him is just skimming and getting a basic view of what it is. i read everything i can get my hands on if it is something i am interested in or i think is important. bc being understood is important to me, i think he should read and understand as much as he can too, but that is probably not reasonable.

I see. To me, it sounds like he's taking this in stride, which may be a good thing..though don't pressure him into reading into it. You need to understand that he may take it in his own way, and end up doing research on it. and then may ask you questions when he feels more comfortable.

Thanks gamester. That is good advice. I will try to remember that his way of doing things is in no way less valid than my way of doing things. It just means that we are different and does not imply anything else, such as him not caring. It is so hard to see situations from someone else's point of view. Fact is, I had not even considered that he may be uncomfortable or unsure how to address it. Instead of demanding that he understand me better, I will try to better understand him.

Attagirl. that's a great start. just do that and I'm sure it will work wonders.