Once a cheater always a cheater??

Post Reply New Topic

The sooner you cut ties with him the better. You should try and find someone who treats you nice and not just when they first meet you.

What I find really strange is that he just told you. These are things people are secretive about because they should know that it could ruin the relation. He may not have realised how serious this is. If his mother told him the stuff about "keeping options open" because she does not like you, maybe she deliberately set him up this way, hoping to ruin the relationship? Him getting caught or just telling you might be just what the mother wants.

Yeah cuz when my guy does this he lies about it and tries to get out of trouble when I catch him, he knows it's harmful to the relationship yet somehow continues to do it, in my situation probably doesn't want to be with me anymore and doesn't have the balls to go through the change of routine and everything me leaving would involve.

So, why stay with him?

It seems easier to stay with someone who treats you like dirt than doing all the work to meet someone else.

It's an illusion, but that's how it too often seems. When she gets fed up with it, she'll finally walk.

Also, whoever does the leaving is the bad guy. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. The person who leaves can't play the victim. For some, getting dumped is easier than doing the dumping.

The longest relationship I was ever in prior to my current one was like that. She liked to threaten a break up just so I'd have to come crawling back and beg her to give me another chance. It was never HER fault for anything, and when I finally got tough enough to leave, it was the biggest shock she'd ever had. The thing I learned about breaking up with someone is when you're the one to walk away from a bad relationship, you take the other person's power. You should feel good about that, especially when things are really, REALLY bad.

The ideal breakup is you both come to the realization that the relationship, as good as it has been, can't go any further and it's time to move on. That's the stuff good high school and college romances, summer flings, and ONS's are made of. You remember them fondly if they're worth remembering at all, and you hope the next relationship is as good as or even better than that one. With any luck, you're friends for life--special kinds of soul mates that the best marriages can't even hold a candle to. You know you have completely transcended romantic love when you achieve this, and whether you're in a relationship or not, you won't easily tolerate drama. You learn to act like grownups. That's a great place to be.

He should put that off until he is single again. If he is always worried you two will break up, he isn't very secured in the relationship and it's supposed to be about trust. Nothing wrong with a back up plan but that should be in his head about what he will do after the break up, not go creating profiles.

In response to AngelRho, the longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave.

In my first relationships and second I always talked about breaking up and leaving and I finally did and my ex boyfriend got hurt over it. I had given him plenty of chances and he blew it so I left. My second ex didn't care and we split up. Then I wanted to break up with him and felt relieved when I found out we weren't in a relationship anymore because it meant I could move on and not worry about cheating. I wish I had done it sooner and not care about his depression and the BS he is going through his with ex. I was so worried about hurting his feelings and adding to his depression. But I realize now the chances were, he wouldn't have given a damn s I should have either broken up with him at the movies or dive into his work at night and break up with him there in front of everyone since he never answered his phone so therefore it would have been impossible to meet up and do it so that would have meant doing it the hard way rather he liked it or not. It was very stressful and I will never date anyone again who refuses to answer their phone. I will just move on and call it cheating if you like. I refuse to be with anyone who just is never around and always ignores their phone or IM or emails and claims to be busy. But who knows, maybe that was his way of breaking up with me and I didn't get the hint because he told me he was busy so I thought that was why he was never around. It was my mother who had to tell me he had moved on and I was single. I felt ten lbs lighter and happier like I was free from the torture. I look back and realize all the hints there were that was us being broken up and I didn't even know it. I am sure he knew the hint when I put my profile back online that I wanted to break up but I didn't know it then. Then it was strange he messages me online months later and I never heard from him again.

Well I think his behavior is a clear illustration of how little he cares about you.
If you dump his ass, he has no rights to say anything.
You should also look for an "upgrade" while you're with this loser.

I concur

Update
I finally broke up with him and his as*hole scumbag family!!

Good for you. I hope you're doing ok. Treat yourself well. Do nice things for yourself even if you don't feel like it.

As to the original question...yes and no.

Once a cheater, more likely a a cheater but not always a cheater.

I am a cheater. I am in a completely sexless marriage and I decided that I would no longer sacrifice my sexuality to his rejection. I am completely unrepentant. I will continue to 'cheat' as long as I am able and until I end this sham of a marriage.

Will I cheat again? I don't know. I don't want to. I prefer monogamous relationships. But I since I had never cheated in over 20 years of marriage and/or monogamous relationship it definitely had a high emotional cost to do. It was a very painful decision. But now that I've done it, I do feel it would be easier to cheat again. On the other hand, I know what it costs me to do so and I don't want to find myself in this position ever again. I've also been cheated on - once by a boyfriend and once by my husband who engaged in an in-depth emotional affair but still thinks he did nothing wrong. Although he definitely did. So I also know the pain of being cheated on and I don't want to hurt other people that way.

(to those that say divorce, I'm trying - but it's complicated with house, kid, high cost of living area, etc)

In the end his family was what ended our relationship. They treated me horribly.

Your boyfriend said that? What the hell are you still with him for?
What an obtuse individual, get rid of him asap.

Edit: Saw you dumped his arse. Good girl.

In the end his family was what ended our relationship. They treated me horribly.

I can't imagine something more horrible than being told by the person you love and are in a relationship with that tells you, in your face, that he's looking for a replacement (as if you were a spare part) and he keeps you around until he does.


I hope you're transition to being single, awesome and available is smooth and quick. Go get yourself someone worthy of your affection

Before I say ANYTHING else, let me say that I am truly sorry things got to that place in your marriage. I can't even begin to fathom what that must be like for you, and I do truly hope things work out for the best.

Leading up to our wedding, my wife and I talked repeatedly and at length about what the expectations would be. For us, the wedding vows are taken VERY seriously. It's a lifelong gig, first and foremost. Second, the vows themselves, especially the part about sickness/health, richer/poorer, actually mean something to us because we've been at every extreme and kinda skipped the middle parts. Life has not been kind. But talk of splitting and other ways of escaping our problems have always been out of the question. We just simply won't consider it. We're HERE, wherever HERE is. It WILL work. A failed marriage simply isn't an option.

As to cheating? You mentioned being in a sexless marriage. While I could imagine there are exceptional circumstances, I don't see many excuses for avoiding intimacy in marriage. That's just unfreakinacceptible. I may be frustrated by an unmatched libido, but my wife even knows sometimes you just gotta throw the dog a bone. I may not get EVERYTHING I want, but anticipating what intimacy we DO have is worth waiting for.

It's not that married people OWE each other sex. But I do think married people owe it to themselves to do it, regularly and often if possible. A lack of intimacy in marriage is not that big a problem. It's merely one symptom of larger problems. If you can work out just what those problems are, lack of intimacy won't be an issue.

I don't know who is to blame, nor is it relevant. You got to a point in your relationship where there is no intimacy. The plain fact he is ignoring your needs. You feel neglected. While that does not make cheating the right thing to do, EVER, it does shed light on why you would cheat. Partners who are neglected in relationships won't be so harshly judged when they cheat, nor is anyone ever surprised when it happens.

For me, it would be about fixing those issues immediately. I'm a save the marriage at all costs kind of guy. For me to even consider a divorce, my wife would have to screw up really bad. I mean, really, REALLY bad. As in she not just cheats on me but has some other guy's baby. I don't believe in abortion, but I'm not raising some other dude's kid, nor am I going to deal with legal visitation issues, which effectively opens the door for this man to be a permanent part of our lives. If she wants to save the marriage, the kid's going up for adoption. If not, then I'm filing a contested divorce for grounds and taking her for all she's worth, and I may investigate bringing this guy up on loss of affection charges in a civil suit, I dunno.

Cold? Heartless? Maybe. But there are certain places you just don't go with someone in life, and that would be too much for me.

For me, a divorce would simply mean the situation with her is no longer livable. It doesn't mean I don't still love her. Doesn't erase what we had together. Doesn't make the vows I made go away. Even if my wife died prematurely, I'd still keep those vows and never remarry. If we divorced because of something like that, I'd still be open to reconciliation under certain conditions.

For your situation, PERSONALLY my opinion is you should stop cheating and fix the problems in your marriage (together, I mean--I'm not singling you out here). From what you've said, these are really only things he can take the initiative on. Mostly the reason for you cheating is a result of his neglect. Under the circumstances, he might have a difficult time contesting a divorce because of how the cheating started. As far as I'm aware, emotional cheating is not against the law. Neglect, however, IS against the law, and in some instances you can honestly make the case that you were driven to cheating because of his neglectful behavior.

Whether you divorce or reconcile or just deal is up to you. Nobody here is judging you no matter what. Just please, PLEASE be careful.

Thanks for the support everyone! I know I am better off and I am enjoying the single life for a bit. What saddens me is my ex will always have a hard time bringing new women in his life if his family are complete jerks to everyone.