When is the right time to say "I love you."?

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Waterfalls
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14 Aug 2014, 11:07 pm

WilliamTheConqueror wrote:

Differentialform wrote:

My advice is:
Only tell someone that you love him/her if you really mean it. Otherwise you might end up hurting that person.

Why would that happen? Why would it hurt the person to hear it?

It doesn't hurt someone to hear you love them it hurts to discover the person you thought cared greatly doesn't care so much for you. Leads to feeling betrayed, hurt, and questioning one's own judgment for believing something that wasn't true. Hearing the words isn't the problem, believing them and being disappointed is what hurts.

sly279
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15 Aug 2014, 2:04 am

arielhawksquill wrote:

As a woman, if I don't hear it by the end of the 2nd month of dating or after the 3rd time we've had sex, then I figure he's either Not That Into Me or emotionally unavailable. Either way, time to move on.

how did you come up with this?

what if the guy said it to you on the 2nd date?

goldfish21
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15 Aug 2014, 3:25 am

I tell my youngest god daughter and her little brother that I love them fairly often - i.e. when I see them, when saying goodnight or goodbye etc. It's pretty much never inappropriate.

But guaranteed I've said it to others at somewhat inappropriate times/intervals. I used to say it regularly to my close friend & crush, but I've realized that it makes him uncomfortable so I haven't said or written it for about a year now. It may become appropriate again at some point, but for now I completely avoid saying it so as not to make him uncomfortable by the fact that his friend has a crush on him.

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Azereiah
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15 Aug 2014, 8:42 am

arielhawksquill wrote:

So, how many people have you ditched because they're afraid of saying those words? Because they prefer action? Because their sense of time is a little longer than yours?

You're cutting off a lot of partners who're quite suitable that way.

arielhawksquill
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15 Aug 2014, 9:25 am

sly279 wrote:

arielhawksquill wrote:

how did you come up with this?

what if the guy said it to you on the 2nd date?

I "came up with that" based on my own emotional calculations of how much of myself I'm willing to give to someone who doesn't reciprocate equally. And I have been very pleased to be told "I love you" on the second date--as the man I married did.

arielhawksquill
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15 Aug 2014, 9:33 am

Azereiah wrote:

arielhawksquill wrote:

No, such a partner could never be suitable for me, since I know myself well enough to know I need clear verbal communication. I grew up with a dad who was one of those "strong, silent types" (probably undiagnosed AS)--he also had the ethic of "showing love by action" without ever saying the words. I grew up thinking he was working hard and providing for us because he was doing his duty, but that he didn't love me at all.

auntblabby
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15 Aug 2014, 3:03 pm

the right time is when you intensely feel such love. if the other person can't handle it, then that is between them and their god.

The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Aug 2014, 5:24 pm

duh, women and their constant need for verbal assurances....

auntblabby
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15 Aug 2014, 5:27 pm

I have nothing against being reassuring, as long as they return the favor.

aspiemike
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15 Aug 2014, 6:09 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

duh, women and their constant need for verbal assurances....

One of the five love languages.... women more likely to have the words of affirmation as their primary love language than men do (acts of service more likely for men)

arielhawksquill- the thought ever occur to you that your father didn't know how to say I love you in a way that you understood and preferred?

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sly279
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16 Aug 2014, 5:11 am

arielhawksquill wrote:

sly279 wrote:

arielhawksquill wrote:

how did you come up with this?

what if the guy said it to you on the 2nd date?

interesting most say it is creepy and a deal breaker.

Parade
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16 Aug 2014, 7:20 am

I'd like to say when you're actually in love with her.

I hate the concept of dating and all those unwritten rules. Break them I say!

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lotusblossom
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16 Aug 2014, 4:18 pm

sly279 wrote:

arielhawksquill wrote:

sly279 wrote:

arielhawksquill wrote:

how did you come up with this?

what if the guy said it to you on the 2nd date?

interesting most say it is creepy and a deal breaker.

people who think saying I love you too soon is creepy and a dealbreaker are not likely to fair well dating an aspie really (seeing as so much more creepy deal breaking stuff to come),

best to 'sort the wheat from the chaff' early on in terms of tollerance of creepyness!

Cafeaulait
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