Do the majority of guys with A.S. never get a girlfriend?

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The divorce rate in your country is 50% so are you sure it's AS? Of course half of AS-NT would get divorced too.
And are you sure they are clinically diagnosed? I've checked that EP page before and like the WP, they are usually wife-diagnosed and the problems aren't usually AS-related (ie. communication, failure of reading nonverbal) but of things like abuse and alcoholism.

Anyway tarantella, what's your point of all this? That the AS guys are usually bad partner materials and abusers? Because you seem to always spew this poiso...I mean this message here over and over.

The OP asked whether most people with AS go relationship-less throughout their lives. I said that some significant number seem to be getting married, because there's a hell of a lot of distraught women saying "my husband who was recently diagnosed with AS" or some such. Generally there's talk in those conversations about how the therapy isn't helpful and the guy's refusing to go. Are there many more beyond them who have tenable marriages? Maybe; don't know and can't, since they're not showing up to talk in large numbers.

The second part of what I said, if you'll bother to read without the defensiveness: the problems the wives are talking about may fade, for younger people, because of the childhood therapy so many kids with AS receive these days. The kids grow up being made aware of the social issues and how to tackle them, so maybe there'll be less of this business where the wife's pulling her hair out because the guy can't even see that there's a problem with his social interactions, and refuses to believe it.

Nobody said anything about abuse. That was you. And again, if you want to try to blame-shift to alcoholism and other problems that are not part of these women's complaints, you can do that, but it doesn't help people with AS stay in relationships. Acknowledging and understanding the problems might.

Like that woman for example:
http://www.experienceproject.com/storie ... me/2950772

She complains about his robotic behavior, yet by reading the first part of her thread it's obvious why her marriage is destined for failure: She married him because she was desperate for a relationship, money, and certain lifestyle he could provide. That's the recipe for a failed marriage right there, from the very beginning.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 04 Sep 2014, 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sarcasm I see

Everyone has problems. In my experience, modern society is sufficiently complex to cause information overload and social anxiety in the vast majority of NTs as well; people can be impulsive and crazy but it's healthier to keep in mind that people will just be people and we can always negotiate through conflicts and understand one another on our own terms; everyone is entitled to their viewpoint, but furthermore I believe what's really healthy is relationships in which people are comfortable discussing the true meaning of all the craziness and tie up one another's loose ends. I'm clinically diagnosed and I love the people who've accepted me no matter what we all do; what bugs me isn't the criticism of AS guys at all, sometimes to be honest that's perfectly valid, we're humans, what I can't fathom is why people are convincing themselves that love from spectrum individuals is meaningless. Perhaps it's true that many of us respect natural life more than the individual, but ultimately that's a way of humanizing everyone. I think the most important part of being an aspie is to help everyone confront this hyper-critical social reasoning. If we can relax, anyone can, we're at our best when we can do valuable work and quiet people's minds.

This looks like a pretty mild complaint, actually, next to many I've seen. But if you look at this, for instance, from her post:

"Also during the early years I found that the "typical bachelor" behaviors were not in place because he was a bachelor but because he was somehow impaired. He didn't have poor hygiene because he'd gotten into a lazy habit, something which married life would renew or spark an interest in himself and his surroundings, but it was because he couldn't assess himself to determine whether or not he was clean, and further, did not have a sense in his worldview of "clean." He would brush his teeth, with a tiny dot of toothpaste (to save money), and as long as the toothbrush entered his mouth and he rubbed it around, then his teeth were brushed. There was never an assessment to know whether or not his teeth were actually clean, and even having a mouth full of cavities and regular plaque buildup, he never "connected" the two. As far as he was concerned, he brushed twice a day and had a lot of plaque and cavities. No further analysis, observation, or development of the idea ever crossed his mind."

Or this, from another:

"1) Brunt and pointed emotion without self awareness: Fighting with my husband continues to be a learning process to me as I filter his words through my heart, careful to guard myself, but not always succeeding. His anger can flare up and be intense. He. must. get. his. point. across.

In that process, I think self awareness takes a seat on the furthermost back burner. While I am standing in his blazing glory of anger, it's difficult to temper the hurt, while controlling my own emotions....which leads to the second point.

2) T i t for tat is not always that: His hypersensitivity to my affect and verbal behavior is aggravating and discouraging. He can sound off like a trumpet followed with explicatives that drift out into the atmosphere. My voice slightly flares in tone and pitch and all of a sudden he's concerned I am possessed and hysterical. Ok I jest a little, but perhaps you can relate."

This is from a guy about his wife:

"I have been seeing a therapist now for about 5 months at my wife's request. She has told me for a long time that I have anger issues. I have learned to not get angry but I still didn't understand her lack of empathy and the way she shuts down upon conflict. "

Or:

" His intense love and devotion to me mixed with no ability to communicate feelings and respond to my romantic , sexual and emotional needs has been devastating."

Or:

"He's ruthlessly honest. Worse than brutal. The honesty in his statements causes scarring. But he is just as honest in his feelings for me, I know that he loves me. I have such ambivalent feelings about this relationship. He says things like "I don't know if I want to marry you because I'm worried that you are going to get fat after you have kids." If I were 10 years younger that statement might lead to an eating disorder. At least at this age it just makes me paranoid and angry. (FYI- I am already a very active and fit woman.) He says things like, "I don't respect the way that you spend your free time", "I don't know how to make myself be interested in talking to you." or "You know what you should have done...". And yet he seems incapable of understanding the devistating emotional impact of these types of statements."

None of these other people say anything about abuse, alcoholism, marrying a wallet, etc. And it goes on and on. I dunno, Boo, I don't see how the denial is helpful.

Yep. But nobody is saying what you've said, above (bold). They are saying that there are problems, social problems, that make a love relationship difficult or impossible, and these things need attention. I think younger generations of kids with AS will be able to handle these things better. But the OP asked about frequency of relationships; again, I'm saying that there seem to be many people with AS who do get into relationships, but it appears keeping them going can be a problem.

I dont think getting a relationship is so much the problem so much as whether an aspie man would actually like it.

I think most aspie men would be better off setting themselves up in a nice little flat, done out how they like, with all their hobbies around them.

I think most aspie men would get more out of reading a book on their interest, whilst eating their favourite food in nice quiteness rather than the continual sacrifices and self censure they would have to make in a relationship

All that sacrifice wouldnt lead to a nice life anyway as they probably would not like a noisy house full of kids, demanding partner wanting loving attention and less moneys for hobbies, horrible dinners that you hate but your wife and kids love, people moving your things, going on at you through your whole waking hours, constant nagging, no time for yourself.

no get a nice place for yourself and do things to please yourself and if you get someone who wants to casually date perhaps stretch to that but I dont think most aspies would really like a proper relationship and what it leads to.

I can't speak for all Aspie men, but I've certainly never had one. Never been close to. Never been kissed, never held hands, never had sex, never had any kind of relationship. In fact, for the longest time, I thought it was just me who hadn't. Even most Aspie men I've seen , seem to get a relationship.

yes but the instinctual natural desire to want a sexual relationship just does not go away

Don?t worry?it?ll be gone in less than a hundred years.

I'll agree with Boo that there is a lot of women that have come on here complaining about men they believe to be diagnosed. There are also some that come in here with legitimate concerns. However, I really despise it when we get a person who initially complain, only to reveal later on that they are willing to enable the bad behaviours and mistreatment, and yet believe this poor treatment to be Aspergers related. I cannot count the number of times we had to say "that is not aspergers" to the people that enter these forums.

I'm still a firm believer that if you cannot reassure your partner when they need it (especially when they have made it clear to you that htey need it from time to time), then don't get involved. I'm also a believer that those with big egos aren't capable of sustaining a long term relationship either.

The two most common type of Aspies I seem to come across on here are the socially anxious type, with the other being the incredibly stubborn type. I consider myself closer to the stubborn side.

I guess things are hopeless only if we allow them to be right?

Oh yeah. And there are plenty of people that are more than happy to help you in feeling hopeless as well. Perhaps these people no longer serve you well if they want you to feel hopeless.

This. So much this.

Eh, for me getting laid is just as impossible as finding love. Society wants a whole want of bullcrap that it's just not worth it. I always get feelings for girls that don't see me as anything more than a friend. And being in the friendzone is a death sentence. Then again I'm not attractive so maybe attractive guys see a different world than I do.