Help me understand my aspie ex

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Time to drop him and move on. He treats you in an abusive manner, and obviously doesn't want to rekindle the romance. You keep trying to restart things, but he doesn't want to, and he doesn't want the stress of telling you flat out that it's over. That's because the person who wants the relationship to continue can cause emotional scenes that are very difficult for people on the spectrum to deal with. Your ex-boyfriend is being more abusive than normal, to drive you away, rather than tell you it's over, and then have to deal with an emotional outburst from you, as you try to change his mind.

It's over. Let it go--without any emotional war zone. Just send him an email to say you have finally grasped that it's over, and that this is goodbye. After that--no more contact--no phone calls, no emails, no social site contacts, no going to places you think he might be, no contacting mutual friends and family to find out where he is, or what he is doing. Just let it go.

There are over 7 billion people in the world, and about half are men--3 1/5 billion. Approximately 10 percent--350 million of them--are within 5 years up or down of your age. Surely you can find someone else in that crowd, so stop beating a dead horse, get on with your life, and look for someone who does want a relationship with you.

I agree strongly with questor -- it's over. The OP is beating a dead horse. This relationship has arrived at Abusive Town, and it doesn't even make any difference if this guy is on the autism spectrum or not; he's acting abusive in the same ways that even NT people can be capable of acting abusive.

He is hurting the OP's feelings and being emotionally abusive.

For christs sakes cut all ties. This isn't even about his Asperger's, this is about what ANY human being becomes capable of when they start to want out of a relationship and they feel mean toward the person they no longer care about.

That's where he's at right now. There's only one healthy thing to do and that's to get out and move on.

OP if you don't see this, you must be a glutton for punishment.

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It's not that I'm even really concerned with my reputation, I just don't want to see anybody stuck in a cycle of manipulation like this. I watched it happen multiple times with my parents, sometimes I still have to address such concerns with them and I've reached a point where I'm willing to take a fall to convince those I love that I won't stand for ugly breakups; in addition to agreement with questor & BirdInFlight, if you truly believe you can change anything about this guy, you must acknowledge it'll only be accomplished with a VERY tough lesson. I think we're discussing quite a lot outside of just ASD; I have a few more diagnoses myself and I couldn't continue living had I treated my family that way. You're the kinder, humbler person and it's in your power to heed this advice and remember you owe it to yourself to knuckle down and if you really do forgive his transgressions, it will be sharply conditional.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. It's not that I'm in denial about the relationship being over, at this point I'm more upset and confused about his behavior during our post-relationship friendship than anything else. But I suppose it's possible his words and actions were intentionally hurtful in order to drive me away. It just doesn't make sense that he would invite me to do things with him just to show me he doesn't care anymore. I mean, people who are "just friends" like he said we were, don't intentionally try to hurt each other.

I'm not interested in an emotional war zone at all, if cutting ties is what he wants then I will not become some crazy stalker who's constantly contacting him or trying to keep tabs on him. It's not that I don't understand that I have no other option than to let go of any relationship with him at this point, I am just hurting and confused about of how he's acted towards me these past few weeks. The message is clear now though, he doesn't want to stay in touch because of how I feel. I can only respect that. Still wish I had gotten the opportunity to tell him that he didn't have to insult me or haul me off to other guys for me to get the picture.

I totally understand your confusion and your wish to analyse and understand why he's being the way he's being. But I've been in your shoes myself, and later on when I was along way down the road from the end of that relationship, I realized that even trying to wonder why was pointless.

Because, all human beings are capable of being horrible and acting-out in ways that seem weird and hard to fathom why. Not just Aspies but neurotypical people too, all are capable of confusing, conflicting behavior -- especially in relationships -- that seem to pull you one way then push you the next. My most recent ex did this to me too, and in the end you can't even waste time pondering, like I did, and like you're doing now.

You just have to chalk it up to people being messed up and endlessly capable of meanness, and move on. Whatever this guy was doing, it doesn't even really matter as long as you ultimately see that it's unacceptable. You don't want a "friend" who does this stuff to you, so even if you try to puzzle-out a "good" reason why he did, it still doesn't change the fact that he's reprehensible for even doing it.

You must move on and have respect for yourself and for deserving, as everyone does deserve, to be treated better than this.

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BirdInFlight, thank you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I do realize that you are right in everything you say. A good friendship, or a good relationship for that matter, shouldn't hurt this much. None of it makes sense to me, and it probably never will.

I really wish you all the best, glad to hear you could find your way forward from a similar situation. You should be really proud, I know it's not easy

I think my ex has some serious issues with a lot of things, and while I'm hurting right now, I worry a little bit about him... If he does get back to me I'll let you guys in on it for sure.

hugs

Hugs to you, Foxers. I hope I wasn't too blunt in what I said; I just really hate to see someone get mistreated, as I allowed myself to be for a while. I know it's so hard to extricate oneself. You will feel so much better though, if you do.

I too felt kind of sorry for and worried for my ex -- but that too was all part of the overly-bonded oxytocin thing still running around my system -- the old "I've got you under my skin" is almost literal -- it's a lot to do with the natural biochemical oxytocin, the "in love" or bonding chemical.

But once you get clear of all this you may see that he will be fine and can take care of himself, even though he's probably going to have a miserable life treating people so poorly.

You do deserve better; please take care of yourself and have a hug from me. : )

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