NT seeking advice on Aspie BF
probably. if I remember right her husband is aspie and is troublesome. shes had post about it and wanting to maybe divorcee.
her and a few others seem to be a bit bitter towards aspie men cause of this and past relationships.
much like men with bad past relationships are a bit bitter against women. its not accepted as being bitter against male aspies is though.
I get why she would be though, but doesn't mean every guy is like that.
my mom tends to get defensive if you ask here where something is. she feels we are accusing her of moving or losing it.
Maybe I am bitter. But the person who actually is acting in an aggressive manner has a greater responsibility for curbing the behaviour than the person who isn't. You need not necessarily blame yourself for interpreting things incorrectly, but you do have to take responsibility for reacting aggressively and defensively.
In the car trying to hear directions a driver should not suddenly havek to contend with not only a loud radio but a verbal attack. Not only is it abusive, it's dangerous. In a driving situation, a person may not have the time and space to phrase a question in a such a way.
You may not have control of how you perceive what's coming in, but you do have control of what's coming out. If you don't have control, you need to get control.
Have a moment of empathy for those on the receiving end of the aggression. You have misinterpret the tone and then actually interjected aggression. It's bewildering and hurtful. And the person on the receiving end hasn't misinterpreted things. It actually is a hostile tone, without the usual benefit of the doubt you'd extend to someone in a loving relationship.
(Getting used to typing on a touchpad. So many mistakes...sorry)
Wow your insight on speaking directly was so brilliant I had to turn way from the blinding light.
How much moe direct is please turn the radio down? It is not under any circumstances a personal attack.
In that case you're not asking her to be more direct you're asking her to phrase every question as an ego stroking re-direct of his potential aggression.
Screw that. She doesn't need that.
stop blaming the victim here. she should cut her losses and move on - hopefully reflecting on why she felt she needed to put up with that sort of behaviour. It's inexcusable.
Ego stroking! Wow! Holy s**t! If you had read absolutely anything about Asperger's and autism at all, you will know that people on the ASD spectrum do interpret things literally when spoken to them. He is not deliberately misunderstanding what she says to him, he is not deliberately getting angry or upset with her because of misunderstanding and miscommunication. To a large extent, it's just the way his mind works. Maybe in time, he'll get to understand her better, but that TAKES TIME.
Remember that other thread where I said that people like you have an absolute lack an absolute lack of empathy or there AS spouses and you thought that was unfair? I your post has just proven me absolutely right. You have absolutely no empathy whatsoever of the AS partner and are absolutely not willing to try to understand them. That's it. I'm done with you. So, SCREW YOU and have good day.
P.S. Funny how the original OP of this thread seems to of taken well to my advice and you haven't.
Last edited by Jono on 16 Sep 2014, 3:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.
In the car trying to hear directions a driver should not suddenly havek to contend with not only a loud radio but a verbal attack. Not only is it abusive, it's dangerous. In a driving situation, a person may not have the time and space to phrase a question in a such a way.
You may not have control of how you perceive what's coming in, but you do have control of what's coming out. If you don't have control, you need to get control.
Have a moment of empathy for those on the receiving end of the aggression. You have misinterpret the tone and then actually interjected aggression. It's bewildering and hurtful. And the person on the receiving end hasn't misinterpreted things. It actually is a hostile tone, without the usual benefit of the doubt you'd extend to someone in a loving relationship.
(Getting used to typing on a touchpad. So many mistakes...sorry)
Another thing, I did not get from her post that he was aggressive towards her or that he's trying to coerce or control her. What I'm getting is that he's getting upset because of a perceived personal attack, perhaps due to miscommunication. She even says that it's a communication issue, that's a different thing.
The_Face_of_Boo
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The following was originally posted in a blog post about sexual harassment, but it has a much wider application.
Ultimately, it doesn't really matter why the OP's boyfriend reacts badly to reasonable requests from her. What matters here is the effect his behaviour (the foot stepping) has on her.
"If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you?re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot.
If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them.
If you think that even with the rules, you won?t be able to avoid stepping on people?s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
If you?re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you?re entitled to step on people?s feet because you?re just that awesome and they?re not really people anyway, you?re a bad person and you don?t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are.
And moreover, you need to get off my foot."
And this is the original blogger's explanatory comment at the end.
"See, that?s why I don?t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way."
And Jono, when someone consistently acts negatively, aggressively, antagonistically towards everyday comments, questions and actions, then they are being abusive and controlling.
It's not aggressiveness. So, are you telling me that if I say something to that is a personal attack or what you perceive to be a personal attack and you get upset over it, then being upset is itself abusive. I can say anything I like to you but if it upsets you, then you're being abusive apparently. This is exactly what you're saying, according to your logic.
Oh and we're talking about sexual harassment here, so your post is irrelevant. Yes, I understand what you're saying but it doesn't apply here, this is just a miscommunication issue, all couples have arguments and I don't see her saying that he's controlling, just that he get's upset. All couples have arguments, all couple have fights and all couples have their disagreements. I have not seen any evidence that the arguments here are really any different from the arguments in normal relationships including the ones in NT/NT relationships, only that some of them stem from miscommunication. Just because there are some arguments in a relationship it doesn't follow that they're abusive.
It's not aggressiveness. So, are you telling me that if I say something to that is a personal attack or what you perceive to be a personal attack and you get upset over it, then being upset is itself abusive. I can say anything I like to you but if it upsets you, then you're being abusive apparently. This is exactly what you're saying, according to your logic.
I think this might just be a situation where NTs aren't able to truly understand. There is no way for you to know that you've misinterpreted what's being said in the moment, so I don't see how getting defensive/offended is uncalled for. I don't really like how this guy is getting labeled as abusive and controlling, because I didn't read in OP's posts that he was verbally assaulting her after being upset- that would be wrong no matter if he felt attacked!
Elkclan... I have no idea why you feel justified in being rude to everyone you disagree with. If you want to help people, don't start painting us all with the same brush. And certainly don't treat everyone else like they are wrong for disagreeing with you. I'm out too
Op. Best of luck, and I hope things find its way of working out here for you.
_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
This just sounds exhausting. It sounds exhausting for you and him individually and as a couple. If he doesn't want to go into therapy [and I haven't quite gotten if you have specifically addressed that head on or just had that impression from talking around the subject], perhaps you can go together. And I would say therapy not because he needs to adjust for other people and that is the root reason to go to therapy. The primary reason is he sounds really miserable- someone here [I think it was Boo. Sorry if that's wrong] said it sounded like he has anxiety. I had that idea as well. I have pretty bad OCD and sometimes I used to wildly misinterpret things. I would realize it later on, but it wasn't until we solidified the Pure O diagnosis and actively began working on that that I could assess my responses better. But if he doesn't want to actively seek help, he will likely be this miserable [in terms of interaction because he is grossly misinterpreting toward the end of constant expectation of criticism and attack] for a really long time.
And you can't be expected to pick up all that and try to make it work on your own.
Whether he is or is not Asperger's, in my opinion, likely plays into it to some degree. But as some one who experiences a significant anxiety disorder I have an idea that may be a big part of the issue as well? It's just an idea.
But no matter how you slice it, you really can't be expected to hold up the anxieties and worries of two people through out a relationship. [With you both curbing what you are saying/trying to be mindful of how you are saying things AND having to reassure after what you say has been perceived as something else] It's just not reasonable and also not likely to be very successful.
Basically, it boils down to this. We often go throughout the day in normal conversation and for whatever reason I will say something (in a very normal tone of voice with no hidden intentions) and he will hear it in a completely different way. Things like "will you turn down the radio" turn into a huge ordeal where he thinks I have majorly disrespected him or don't like his choice of music or said it with an attitude when I know I didn't. I simply asked for the radio to be turned down so I could hear the driving directions being given to me by his friend in the back seat. 99% of our fights stem from something like this where a look or tone is mistaken and it turns into a big ugly ordeal. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for something I didn't do to try and calm him down and I NEVER see most of the confrontations coming. He also refuses to acknowledge the fact he is the way he is and does interpret things differently and somehow always turns the issue back around on me. It's exhausting. I love him so much and have been really patient through these situations (even his mom agrees) but our relationship has gotten really strained by it and he keeps wanting to break up over the fact he thinks I'm disrespectful to him and he really is NT when he's not. I don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. I love him dearly and want this to work more than anything but don't know how to handle these issues or defuse them.
PLEASE HELP
_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski
And you can't be expected to pick up all that and try to make it work on your own.
Whether he is or is not Asperger's, in my opinion, likely plays into it to some degree. But as some one who experiences a significant anxiety disorder I have an idea that may be a big part of the issue as well? It's just an idea.
But no matter how you slice it, you really can't be expected to hold up the anxieties and worries of two people through out a relationship. [With you both curbing what you are saying/trying to be mindful of how you are saying things AND having to reassure after what you say has been perceived as something else] It's just not reasonable and also not likely to be very successful.
Basically, it boils down to this. We often go throughout the day in normal conversation and for whatever reason I will say something (in a very normal tone of voice with no hidden intentions) and he will hear it in a completely different way. Things like "will you turn down the radio" turn into a huge ordeal where he thinks I have majorly disrespected him or don't like his choice of music or said it with an attitude when I know I didn't. I simply asked for the radio to be turned down so I could hear the driving directions being given to me by his friend in the back seat. 99% of our fights stem from something like this where a look or tone is mistaken and it turns into a big ugly ordeal. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for something I didn't do to try and calm him down and I NEVER see most of the confrontations coming. He also refuses to acknowledge the fact he is the way he is and does interpret things differently and somehow always turns the issue back around on me. It's exhausting. I love him so much and have been really patient through these situations (even his mom agrees) but our relationship has gotten really strained by it and he keeps wanting to break up over the fact he thinks I'm disrespectful to him and he really is NT when he's not. I don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. I love him dearly and want this to work more than anything but don't know how to handle these issues or defuse them.
PLEASE HELP
I think that she said that she thought it was Asperger's but that he doesn't have an official diagnosis. There could be anxiety but it looks to me like he misinterprets some speech as well and from what she's written, I suspect that he does have AS. I think that he needs to get an official diagnosis and possibly get some therapy and treatment for it in the long term.
To the OP. It seems to me almost irrelevant whether your boyfriend has Asperger's, anxiety or some other reason for this interpersonal sensitivity (personality disorder?). What matters is that you are in a relationship whereby he is taking no responsibility for the upset he is causing. Indeed, you have already acknowledged this yourself.
What he needs to do is go away and have a good think about whether he wants to change this situation. It does not necessarily require professional help (although that is an option). Acknowledging differences and to a degree, faults, then choosing to work on them is crucial in any successful relationship. It sounds like now is the time to start doing so, or he'll be loosing out.
What he needs to do is go away and have a good think about whether he wants to change this situation. It does not necessarily require professional help (although that is an option). Acknowledging differences and to a degree, faults, then choosing to work on them is crucial in any successful relationship. It sounds like now is the time to start doing so, or he'll be loosing out.
I think that the issue is that he's undiagnosed, so I'm not sure that he wants to or is ready to accept that he's different. That's why I suggested that he needs to get an official diagnosis. However, from what she said, I think that he does realise how his behaviour impacts others.
I don't think the OP will be posting back here, I think we've scared her off. I'm still a bit hot under the collar about my advice being called "victim blaming" and him being painted as an "abuser" when he's not. I've tried to get hold of the mods about this and I haven't heard back from them.
Basically, it boils down to this. We often go throughout the day in normal conversation and for whatever reason I will say something (in a very normal tone of voice with no hidden intentions) and he will hear it in a completely different way. Things like "will you turn down the radio" turn into a huge ordeal where he thinks I have majorly disrespected him or don't like his choice of music or said it with an attitude when I know I didn't. I simply asked for the radio to be turned down so I could hear the driving directions being given to me by his friend in the back seat. 99% of our fights stem from something like this where a look or tone is mistaken and it turns into a big ugly ordeal. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for something I didn't do to try and calm him down and I NEVER see most of the confrontations coming. He also refuses to acknowledge the fact he is the way he is and does interpret things differently and somehow always turns the issue back around on me. It's exhausting. I love him so much and have been really patient through these situations (even his mom agrees) but our relationship has gotten really strained by it and he keeps wanting to break up over the fact he thinks I'm disrespectful to him and he really is NT when he's not. I don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. I love him dearly and want this to work more than anything but don't know how to handle these issues or defuse them.
PLEASE HELP
I had the same issue with my ex boyfriend who was aspie the OP is having with hers. I couldn't talk about my feelings and what was bothering me without him getting upset and anything I said he would take the wrong way. I had to walk on eggshells and I had to keep everything bottled up. Good thing we are not together. This was toxic and abusive I found out. This thread hit close to home and brought back the hurt feelings and memories. But my ex boyfriend had other problems too, low self esteem, jealousy, very negative.
I also don't see how telling someone to turn down the ratio is a literal interpretation for this music sucks. Turn it down just means turn it down. Also I over heard my mom talking on the phone to someone about a patient with Asperger's and she said she talks to her in a calm voice like she does with me. Try that with him and see if it works and makes the situations lighter.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
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