Hardest thing for you related to relationships

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Or special interests, for that matter.

Modern society and people being introverted. Makes it hard to really get to know people.

The hardest thing about relationships for me is that I've become so selective over the years because of negative experiences and the fact that I have a son whom I am very protective of. It's not that I can't get a date... I get asked quite frequently. I just have a requirement that whoever is going to love and accept me will have to love and accept my AS son. No, they don't have to be a father to him he has one already, but they do need to genuinely accept him as part of the deal. Last man I was in a relationship with was very impatient towards him (and his profession involved working with kids. Go figure). I just remember that my son tried so hard to please him and he was always getting yelled out by him. I am attractive (I'm repeatedly told) but my son is not a side show. He's part of the deal. Still searching, and if I don't find him, I will not stress out. I have my health and family and son. I'm successful and I'm in charge (this time).

being autistic lol

this confuses me quite a bit.
so you want to date and maybe remarry yes?
they have to accept your son, but not be his dad/step dad, as he already has one. so what are they to be to him. an uncle who lives with you and sleeps with mommy at night? sounds like a creepy uncle.

one reason I don't consider dating women with kids. I could totally get the dad role, even though not really the dad and have no say in anything to do with the child. but this not the dad but still my mate thing is just confusing as heck.

Getting one. Once I get past that part, I'll let you know about the rest lol.

If I could get better at one thing, it would be transitioning from dating to a relationship. I seem to have no issues getting dates, or even second/third dates, but they never seem to progress beyond that. Based on what I've seen and what my therapist has said, I think that the main reason is that I really don't know how to progress things from a physical perspective...most of my dates are more like 2 friends hanging out than dates, but I don't know how to change that,

The hardest thing for me more recently has proven to be the fact that I need so much alone time that I kinda wonder how a relationship fits in there.

But considering all the relationships I had in the past; the most recent one kinda triggered it, so perhaps it's an "isolated incident."

The issue in the past for me has been that the man I dated and almost married wanted me but was very impatient with my son around. It's not that I don't want a man to be a dad to him, in fact I want a man to be involved and be a role model. I also want my son to respect him and yes, that man will be a part of the decision-making processes as well as disciplinary actions. In other words, this man can expect to have respect from us as long as he accepts us both and treats us both well. When I say he already has a dad, I mean he is already financially cared for and I don't expect any man to step up and support him financially. If I were to marry a man, it would be only for love and not convenience. I dont think there is anything confusing about wanting that and I think anyone would want that kind of relationship in my situation. I am just basing it on a past experience and I learned from that situation and wish to have a different approach and outcome. One of my biggest hopes is that someone will love and accept my son as he is and be a father figure and role model. It's hard with children involved, but there are people out there that do accept children as part of a relationship. I'm optimistic that will happen eventually and if it doesn't, well it doesn't and life will go on. I hope I clarified my stance on this.

I always got turned down when I approached women. I don't know how to approach women, so I don't.

I don't like the women who are attracted to me. Why? I am probably very arrogant and don't want "low value women". I also have low self-esteem, so I automatically think that any woman who shows interest must be messed up somehow.

I am only attracted to women with a significant history of trauma and sexual abuse. These relationships never work out for obvious reasons (Too much emotional baggage on both sides). I fear my attraction to specific women and rarely act on it because I know I am attracted like a magnet to women who are insecure, self-absorbed, and oftentimes abusive.

I have a lot of anger toward women in general because of unresolved anger toward abusive female caretakers. My automatic stance toward women is a defensive one because I expect and highly fear being abused by women. Fear and hatred preclude the development of love and intimacy. I also don't think a woman could possibly love me because of my early experiences of not receiving love and believing it was my fault that I wasn't loved. It's a deep part of my self-concept--being unlovable.

There are three things I would like to do better. I would like to be able to read the signs that a woman is interested. I would like to know how to approach a woman and break the ice, and, most importantly, I would like to know what type of woman would be compatible with me. I have zero confidence in my ability to pick a good mate.

Due to the emotional issues I mentioned earlier, I doubt I will seriously attempt to improve my dating skills any time soon. Also, I still don't understand what the term "dating" means. I don't understand what people mean when they talk about dating.

I can definitely see where that can be an obstacle in a relationship if the other person is not understanding of the need for that alone time. A lot of times, it can be very difficult and exhausting to be in social situations all day (at work) trying to figure out peoples' emotions, what they said, and trying to think of the appropriate thing to do or say. When it's time to come home, it can be so exhausting that alone time is needed to recharge a person. A significant other that doesn't understand may look at alone time as avoidance or come to the conclusion that they are not loved. A significant other needs to understand that and realize it's not anything against them, but it's something that is needed. Relationships require compromise and understanding that is for sure.

Probably holding onto a relationship. This part is actually a lot harder than you think.

The obtaining part would be easy if I was less fussy.

The hardest thing was finding someone who was a good match for me on things that mattered most to me - i.e someone with the same values, same intellectual level, same political leanings, an inquiring mind, well educated, loves music, is creative (in either thought or the arts), an animal lover, and capable of loyalty, emotional reciprocity and a more or less equal relationship.

Surprisingly, I found him though this happened long after I had given up hope of ever meeting someone that matched those needs. He arrived with all the above and some additional things I didn't anticipate, though they turned out to be a delightful bonus: a large age difference between us (I am older); from a different country with a different culture; gifted in the arts.

We are both on the spectrum. For us has been an asset to our relationship rather than a liability. We both understand the need to balance time together with time alone/apart.

On reflection now that I am answering your question there are a lot of other levels to the bond between us - shared knowledge and experience of negotiating the NT world and certain of the particular challenges we have both experienced, like bullying, isolation, rejection,marginalisation; we don't negatively judge each other for things - like his pacing when he is stressed - that NTs tend to be spooked by.

We've been together for nearly a year now. We live near each other but not in the same house. We've managed to build a relationship that has a foundation of mutual acceptance, affection, approval, attention, appreciation, respect, trust and support.

It's great. I waited 50 years for this Even if it ended tomorrow I wouldn't have a single regret about the best year ever.

it kinda does. I see a lot of women on dating sites with kids that say similar about kid already has a dad etc. I just didn't understand what they were seeking.

theres other reasons I wouldn't want to date a lady with kids. I am not sure about kids, so I don't want to be jump started with a 5 year old. I think the best way would be for me to be there from the start. then theres the its her kid not mine, so I legally and if she decided would have no say in anything. that just sounds awful. I've seen it and it scares me the they been together for years and guy trys to punish kid for being bad and lady is like. the kid isn't even yours. I don't think for most situations that the kid will ever be seen as mine. I don't want to put in emotional and other effort to be emotionally slapped like that

getting one. I've never had a relationship. had some things I hoped would become relationships but nope.

being more social I guess. I am terrified at approaching women. and after year of dating sites I don't feel worthy of any woman. so I avoid eye contact and such. I also wish I could be less ugly.

Meeting the right person. Definitely.

I don't often get to meet Aspie women who are single and might be interested. I did date somebody I met here between May and until a month or so ago, but she is more on the NT side of the spectrum and that was key to some of our misunderstandings.

It's funny really; she said I needed a more NT woman and I had wondered if I could ever cope with that, but although the AS side of our relationship made us good friends, our romantic problems kept coming back to bite us and they were all down to the NT side of her personality.

At least I know for sure that need I either the stereotypical Aspie woman who is almost like a vulcan from star trek or at least a serious geek/nerd; I understand that some Aspie men are OK with an "extreme NT" woman - somebody who is just very nice and kind.

At least I am single and free to seek another girlfriend

The next problem is finding one who lives reasonably near me and likes what I have to offer her

A relationship? What's that?