How do I fake confidence?

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I can't tell you what will work for you, but I can tell you what worked for me.

I had zero confidence for the longest time, and didn't realize that was the reason why I failed at pretty much everything. Everyone called me ugly in school. When I was a kid, I accepted it as fact and was mostly OK with being "the smart one". Looking back at old photos, I'm noticing now that I was never ugly... I'm assuming that kids just didn't have the word "awkward" in their vocabulary and needed a word to describe me. It's the only explanation I can come up with. Unfortunately, verbal bullying has lasting effects, and I spent so many years feeling disgusting and unattractive.

Once I learned through research that confidence was pretty much the key to success, I decided that I needed to test it... to figure out how to "turn it on" for short periods, like for a job interview or a first date.

For instance, in a somewhat unrelated example, I remember going on an interview for a job that I lacked qualifications for. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I "confidently" (in quotes because this was completely out-of-character for me) sat forward in my chair and said, "I have no experience whatsoever in _____. However, I'm positive that I'm the fastest learner you've ever met. Give me one-two weeks of training, and I will outperform anyone else you'd choose to hire." The interviewer looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said, "That's a bold statement... I like you. You're hired." then tossed the pile of other resumes in the trash. My first thought after, "Wow, he should have shredded those first." and "I wish they'd do more recycling in Kentucky." was "Holy s@#$! I can't believe that actually worked!" It wasn't a lie, either... I *am* a fast learner. But really, who has the courage to say that? I never would have if it wasn't a planned course of action, that's for sure! For the Neurodiverse, planning it out can help immensely.

Then, I started doing that when talking to guys I found attractive. I've even gone so far as to choose the most attractive ones I could find, and see if I could score a date with them, as a little challenge to myself, but also to numb myself to rejection. I am very competitive by nature (strategy games are my obsession) so it was a game to me. But I quickly noticed that with this "confidence", I got more dates than declines. It kind of blew my mind at first. I even hear "quirky" used in a positive way, like, "You're so cute and quirky!" Of course, this little game has almost exclusively gotten me dates with the wrong types of men. I have almost nothing in common with most of these dudes, and all I really want is a cute and fun Aspie guy.

Anyway, I still lack confidence in some areas of dating (I definitely suck at dating NTs long term, so I often get paranoid that I'm screwing something up) but I'm pretty sure I could ace any interview/talking-to-the-cute-guy-at-the-comic-book-store with this method. It works for me. Granted, I'm female, and we have it a lot easier than men do when it comes to scoring dates. I'm well aware of that. The big thing t o take from my story is that fake confidence can help to build real confidence. You just need a little push to see that you can do it. To the OP: You ARE attractive... it's only the lack of confidence making you unattractive. You should try it, mostly because you have very little to lose and so much to gain. I'm totally rooting for you... you can do this.

I think that Face of Boo makes a lot of extremely good points in here, and reflects a lot of what I was about to say. For example, I can speak a bit about myself. I am very confident in most aspects of my life. I am confident in my career/professional life, my hobbies, solving problems, and much of my personal life. I am confident in those things because I have reason to be - I have improved them through due diligence. When I first started my current job, I wasn't confident at all because I was doing extremely challenging work that I had never seen before. To feign confidence in such a situation would simply be lying to myself and others. However, as I worked through everything, made my mistakes, and began to truly learn how to do the work, I grew to be very confident now. My confidence was gained through repeated success at what I was doing, and positive reinforcement from those around me.

However, when it comes to attracting women, I do not have confidence. I don't have confidence for the same reason that I didn't have confidence when I first started my job: I am doing something that I don't know how to do and have never really done before, and thus far I have not had much success at all. So, to be confident about that situation would be lying to myself. Now, if I am able to learn how to go about properly dating and I start to see more positive reactions, then sure, I will start to gain confidence. But confidence is more of a reactionary quality than anything - no one is confident in something that they repeatedly fail at, regardless of who you are or how you feel about yourself. My lack of confidence in that area says nothing about how I feel about myself or my confidence in other areas of my life - it simply says that I do not trust my ability to do something that I have never had success with before.