Does this count as a date?

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Yep, I'm sure . For one, she is extremely religious, so I know that sex isn't even on her radar. And second, she has been the one to ask me to events about half of those times (including the first).

Ahh well, she asked you the first time, that's different. Cos it just is. Cos humans. Silly.

I think you are over-thinking this situation in an attempt to categorize the relationship. (And gain control of it.) I don't advise this ... as the world never measures up to our plans or expectations, there is no point in wasting good energy formalizing them. In other words, just go with it. Obviously she enjoys your company or she wouldn't have accepted the offer of coffee.
So two things: Don't bring up another date idea until you have successfully completed the first one. Otherwise you have expectations to live up to which is a stresser.
And, keep your hands on the table at a distance from hers, so that if she wanted to brush your hand with hers, she can. This can be an indicator of attraction. And pay for her coffee!

But if you asked him out, at least you would know. Not asking has the same effect as him saying no, more or less (no date/relationship with him). Most guys would probably like being asked out.

The worst that could happen is rejection (and also: him not being really all that into me, but just going with the flow, if I ask him first). It would disconfirm the idea that I am a beautiful, attractive, likeable, sweet, interesting, valuable woman. It would confirm my insecurities that I am somehow not attractive enough and that there is something 'wrong' with me.

Hmmm. Is it considered unusual for aspies to date aspies? Is there a thread for this?

She seems to be fairly savvy, one of the most extroverted in our group. One of my concerns was, if she's less aspie than me, she might expect me to have a greater understanding of dating than I do. Ignorance is forgivable but when I do something I shouldn't or don't do something I should and the girl doesn't know I don't quite know what I'm doing, she's likely to think I did it intentionally.


I hope it's not like that with me. I think we get on fairly well but we are very different. She's very energetic. She has hobbies, plays sports for hours every night, plays several musical instruments, sleeps little and manages to do all this while either working or studying full time. I was worried she wouldn't have time for coffee dates but when I asked her if she ever had time to spare over the weekend she said that she did.

As for me, I'm more or less lazy. I'm trying to be less lazy but I've been very lazy in the past. I've done things like refusing to work, refusing to study, received hundreds of thousands of welfare. For a while I even quit playing video games because even that took too much energy. I've been trying to become less lazy. That's why I signed up for this program in the first place. But I think for me, working ~8 is plenty for one day. I wouldn't go and play hockey afterwards. She said the 40 minute walk from the train station to hockey training every night after work is her rest for the day. I told her I had a very different idea of what rest was.

I think her auditory sensory issues are more severe than mine. She gets headaches from loud noises and can only sleep in a room completely absent of electronics. As for me, I can't get enough electronics, my apartment is starting to resemble mission control.

I hope we're not too different. It's not like we have to have all the same interests, right?

I always over-think things. Mainly because I worry if I don't have a well thought out plan I will fail in any endeavor. Sometimes my over-thought plans actually work. Without over-thinking I wouldn't have thought to ask her out or to sign up for this program. Without over-thinking I wouldn't do much at all. It's just that I feel less nervous about doing things when I feel I understand them better.

Am I trying to control the situation? To some extant yes. It would be a massive relief to me if she would control it but isn't it traditional for the guy to take initiative? I've heard it's even taboo for a guy to ask a girl where she wants to go for a date. Does she like doing things the traditional way? I think she does. If she wanted to break traditional gender rolls she would have asked me out but I think maybe she wanted me to ask her out.



On the one hand having a detailed plan in my head helps motivate me. I think "the plan is to do this so I must do this". Otherwise I might stay home. On the other hand, plans are always subject to improvement based on emergent opportunities. Like this recruitment/assessment program I signed up for. I planned to go to a technical college than university but when this came up I realized it was an opportunity to get a job without studying. (there's still a part of me that's disappointed I won't get to go to university but every decisions is always a trade off. There are no one sided decisions).

Of course I'll pay for her coffee. I'm surprised how many guys become instant feminists when it comes to paying the bill

As for not bringing up a second date until later, that's probably a good idea. It would be nice to actually get a second date for once.

Running out of things to talk about can be a concern for me. Today I didn't interact with her all that much and she didn't glance at me as much. I wasn't sure if that was because she was loosing interest, because she thought I was losing interest or because she thought, the date having already been made nothing more needed to said (I still want to get her number before though).

Yes and what is the best thing that could happen? Think about the best thing that could happen and then ask yourself again if you want to show signs of interest in him.

And you're worried if he doesn't reciprocate it will discomfirm the idea that you're a beautiful, attractive, likeable, sweet, interesting, valuable woman?

If he says no because he has a girlfriend then he'll only be saying no out of fidelity, not because he thinks you're unattractive.

Do you really think you're attractive? If you did you'd think that regardless of what people say. I think maybe you already think you're less attractive than you actually are. You seem to have some kind of dimorphia thing going on. You already exercise and eat a very lean diet. Do you think being thinner will make guys more interested in you? Maybe it would but I think with this one particular guy, giving him some hint that you're into him would achieve far more with far less effort required.

I've had the same kind of thoughts. I've thought, if I'm thinner the girls will like me. I don't know. I think some girls dislike fat guys and some girls don't mind. I found a box of phentermine at my mother's house and I'm wondering if I should actually use it. At first I though it could help get rid of my remaining paunch but after seeing this guy who was really thin (due to ADHD medication) I thought, I don't want to look like him, he looks unmanly. (the reason I wanted to lose my paunch is because I heard you can't have visible abs if they're covered over with fat but then another website said you can't increase muscle mass if you're underweight so go figure). With a BMI of 24, am I too fat for girls to like me? Maybe one girl doesn't think so. Maybe I don't need to skip meals anymore. Come to think of it, girls would sometimes take an interest in me even when I was really fat (and then I'd blow it due to poor social skills). I've already lost 110 lb and yet I think asking a girl out for coffee gave me more progress with girls than all that weight loss.

Anyway, to get back on topic how do you know this guy isn't thinking "I really like Cafeaulait and I think she's a beautiful, attractive, likeable, sweet, interesting, valuable woman but I'm not sure if she's into me". If you made some sign of interest he might be overjoyed. I'm not saying you have to ask him out. As you said before, you want him to ask them out. Fine. That's what most girls want. But even so guys can still rely on hints before they ask ask a girl out. The reason why flirting exists is because for both sexes it's really awkward to just ask someone out on a date out of the blue. That's why we have a system to ask someone if they're interested without having to risk as much. I remember this one time last year there was this girl I liked by herself at a party and I kept on glancing at her (I think there might be more sophisticated forms of flirting but I'm no expert). It was then that she mentioned her boyfriend couldn't make it there that night. Question asked, question answered and yet much less embarrassing than if I asked verbally.

I think you should do something about this guy. You don't want to be alone do you? Is anything he's likely to say to you worse than being alone?

Well, just don't freak out if things deviate from the plan. For myself, I have found that if I have a plan I will become too distracted by it and worrying if I'm meeting my goals. This is time I could spend actually interacting with the person.


I don't mean in the sense of gender roles. I would say the same to a woman. I mean, accept that you have no control or power to predetermine the success of a meeting...no matter how much you prepare. It is what you do at the time that matters.





Making plans to do stuff is productive; I mean don't plan the details.


In this regard I would suggest preparation. Study like it's a test and anything could be covered. Especially current events (but not politics,) local government and activities. Any sports you may have played or enjoy watching. It's better if you encourage her to do the talking. She'll like being listened to.

And tip big! It shows generosity and respect for workers in the community.

Why? Not everyone has the same preferences. If one man rejects you, it does not mean anything at all. And there is also the chance that he might want to date you, but is afraid to ask. He probably has no idea at that you are interested in him.
Interesting that you said he might just be going along if you asked him first. What about all those guys approaching a woman, getting rejected, and then they just immediately go for the next woman? I think the guys who do a lot of the "asking" are just trying until they find someone that says yes.

Hmmm. I know very little of sports. I know they always say to encourage the girl to do the talking because they like being listened too. Too often on dates I find if I don't keep coming up with new topics, the girl stops talking. At least this one actually does seem to be a bit more talkative.

There is no tipping in Australia. Ever.

Nice. Here it is between 10-20%. But servers are paid below minimum wage, so it makes up for it.

Thank you retrogamer for taking the time to respond to me. I should take more time while responding to others as well.

The thing is... I feel like I already flirted with him and stuff. One night he organized a dinnerparty for our group of coursemates (10 people). I live right across him so I went there as well. As it got later people said goodbye and went home. I purposely stayed to be last one remaining. This was the first time we were all alone. Why didn't he make a move then? I walked through his room and looked at his stuff and asked about some of them. After a few minutes he said: 'I don't want to force you to leave, but if it is possible I would like to catch my train at 22 o clock. I could leave tomorrow morning as well but I'd rather go now'. If he liked me, why didn't he take that oppurtunity to spend some time with me?
Another time 4 coursemates including himself came to lunch at my place. He brought extra plates. Then when they were leaving he said: 'when come back to pick up my plates tonight Cafeaulait will offer me a drink'. I was exited but then my friend told me it was a joke and when he came over to pick up my plates he left very quickly.
I also touched him quite some times (like, 4 times) on the shoulder or back when I made a joke or said something witty.
When he talked about a girl he hooked up with I asked him what kind of girls he likes. I always asked him how he and the chick he was seeing were doing (i refered to it as his girlfriend, but he would always say it was NOT his girlfriend). Aren't those obvious signs of interest? He never acted on them. When I like someone I try to be around someone longer. He was always quick to leave or move on when we coincidentally encountered.

Yeah, you're minimum wage of $11 per hour is already less than hours and on top of that they pay waitresses less than that.

Anyway, I view it is a false economy. I've seen videos on Youtube where rich guys argue against minimum wage increase because they think it will make products and services more expensive. I think if they made a slight increase to wages, a $10 menu item might now cost $12. But if you have to tip, a $10 menu item now costs $12. It costs $12 either way so I think of it as a form of price fixing, where they can take a $12 item and list it for $10 on the menu.

It's sort of like having a price tag that only lists the before sales tax price. In many countries price tags can only include the after tax price.

Well at first I was thinking he might be a bit thick but it sounds like you were giving him signals so obvious even I would have noticed them.

I'm sorry I assumed you didn't know about flirting. It's clear you don't need to be lectured on that, least of all by a novice like me.

I think you might have to accept that he doesn't like you. You could ask him if you want but in a sense you already asked him and he already answered. There may be a guy for you out there but it's not him.

Uhmmm.... I know that. I know all that. That's why I do not understand why people on here keep saying that I should tell him. Doesn't matter that I caught him staring at my butt once, he doesn't like me.

I think it's because he really wanted to catch that 2200 train. He didn't want to wait until the morning.

Yeah well at the end of the day he didn't want me. He hooked up with a rather unfeminine and mediocre looking 19 year old blonde girl so it's clear that I wasn't what he was looking for.

Wow, Retrogamer87, your post could've very easily been written by me . Am in a similar situation myself right now (but a bit more complicated). I think you're fine. I have come to the conclusion that a person should go with his/her instincts; if you think she's flirting with you, then she probably is. And since she agreed to go out for coffee, I'd say she is definitely interested. It's up to you now (no pressure ). Good luck!