Good tips for NT's in a relationship with an aspie.

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Hi all (I'm new, be gentle!).

I've noticed a lot of negativity in this thread. I wanted to share a positive experience.

Although me (aspie) and my boyfriend (NT) have had our share of problems especially in the early day's (when I wasn't diagnosed and we weren't used to each other), he adamantly states that I am by a million miles the best girlfriend he has ever had.

He is a good looking man and has had 12 partners before me, all NT. And women, especially tarty types, used to (and still) flirt with him a lot (very annoying for me). But to summarize; all but 1 of his NT partners hurt him. This ranged from trying to trick him into getting them pregnant to 'secure' his income, to manipulating and lying to him and cheating. He was used in myriad different ways.

When we met (just friends) the result was that he really didn't trust women anymore and that made him a player as he had begun to see them as 'others' instead of 'people'.

We became very good friends through a shared hobby and he appreciated my honesty, directness, social simplicity. Luckily as I am completely incapable of flirting, manipulation and make little effort to paint and polish myself into any kind of 'sexy', he always saw me as a person and an equal, and treated me as such. Ultimately we fell head over heals for each other completely naturally, with no forcing it or flirting.

There are happy AS/NT endings people. Keep your chin up x

That is a very uplifting and encouraging story, AspieAnnie.

Unfortunately my NT hubby doesn't see me that way (well, he does see me as the best gf he ever had and the only one he ever wanted to commit to).

Instead of honesty, directness and social simplicity, he sees rudeness, mannerlessness and bluntness. Because he sees me as a very intelligent person in most ways, he doesn't understand how I can be so clueless about social interaction. So he thinks I am being manipulative, pretending not to know stuff that seems obvious to him, and he accuses me of flirting and cheating when he's mad. I don't know how to flirt, but I don't know how to deflect flirting from others either. He wants me to paint and polish myself and pretend to be something I don't know how to be.

Sometimes it's like this. Sometimes he's so wonderful and supportive and accepting and understanding I fall in love with him all over again, harder than before. But there's always that reservation that I know I'm going to do something that makes no sense to him, and I never know when he's going to lose patience with my autistic traits.

Sometimes he tells people I'm autistic--but then the person he told that to will be more supportive than he is, and I wonder if the only reason he mentioned it is because I embarrassed him by doing something that a NT wife would know better. Sunday afternoon he told me he was proud of his wife, and she didn't have to do anything special to try to fit in. Monday night I freaked out a little bit right before bedtime, and he won't listen to my explanations of what would help me bring my head back around to where I can function without flinching at every unexpected noise, sight and movement.

I can't tell anymore when he is saying what he really thinks, when he is saying what he thinks I want to hear, and when he is making up something to say just to get a desired response from me (or from others in regards to me). And then I realize that I'm probably over thinking it, overanalyzing and assuming that everything is about me when it isn't.

I'm just so confused all the time.

Ugh I read the comments and lot of them are heartbreaking. I don't think they are wrong for how they feel and some of them sounded like they were not compatible with their partner and I read one post by someone who sounded like she had a great aspie guy and the only reason why she left him was due to lack of sex so I saw that as them not being compatible. It doesn't make her wrong or bad. I don't doubt an aspie can cause damage and I sure hope this isn't the majority. But the comments were still horrifying. It makes us all sound like charming and manipulative people and sociopaths. Then I have had enough of the comments.


It makes me fear to tell mine if I were dating again but he would find out anyway even if he wouldn't know what it is, he would just notice something. I think either way would lead to a break up anyway if it happened so it's a no win situation.

but reality is people with bad experiences will seek out every site related to aspie relationships and rant about theirs, while those with wonderful experiences are too busy enjoying them to do so.

same with reviews, you get way more bad reviews than good. heck i love a lot of the things i own but i've never reviewed them but when one is bad I go and complain about it.

then add aspies are just people, some bad and some good, and compatibility issues that would happen in any relationship. like expecting your so to be something they aren't.

but yeah I probably will never tell any girl i date about being a aspie cause no matter where they google those same people will be there ranting. they go to all the sites and rant. I don't get it. same women don't do so about their exs who were nt and likely did the same stuff. but label someone and they feel they need to go on a crusade.

wouldn't want a possible gf being scared off because of that stuff. not that I'll ever have one

Except when people leave reviews about stores, products, places, etc. you see good and bad ones but with conditions you do not.

Well, I've now noticed that one of the ranters replied to the anonymous comment I left there on the 24 March (it's the first one that you see at the moment when you go to the comment section of the article but if not, you can scroll down the page, all the comments have date and time tags). So, now I've responded to this person in detail. Tell me what you think.

I've always revealed my ASD diagnosis. The girls I've dated haven't really care. Most of the time it's a "I couldn't really tell that you're on the spectrum." I've told people I'm on the spectrum and they couldn't tell.

At times it has backfired, but those relationships wouldn't have worked out regardless.