Can't stop thinking about a guy... kill me

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Should be easy to make a bad list here. Maybe I'll try it.



There is nothing enjoyable about it. Anything that is even remotely enjoyable about it is a fantasy, and feeding fantasies only make the reality much worse. I disagree with your opinion, and I think obsessing over somebody IS a bad thing. It's never lead to real joy for me. And I refuse to be content living in a bubble thinking about situations that don't exist.



My brain is logical, and can see this, straight away. My emotions, feelings and insecurities always surpass logic though.

I have to really figure out what is worth obsessing over about this person, and why it's stupid. Because I really don't know. There is nothing overly great about the person. They're average looking, with average intelligence and with a horrible personality. *shrug*

All I can say is that I am still struggling with this even being in a relationship. I still irrationally obsess over a girl I dated even though a)she had a VERY sarcastic personality b)there was obvious incompatibilities and c)I found someone who adores me and I love dearly. Still doesn't stop me from obsessing about how I "blew" it even though it would have never worked no matter what.

I tend to think it harkens back to being rejected constantly as a child by peers and relatives and trying to make sense as to why it keeps happening (i.e. what's "wrong" with me) even though the rejections have to do with others issues, not mine. It's almost like I am trying to rewrite history and become the child that was accepted, not treated like the black sheep for no apparent reason.

It might (if you do it wrong). In my experience, it's always enjoyable, but then I kind of select whom to become obsessed with, much like what I'm interested in.



Personally, if I don't have the obsessive phase, then I won't get a strong connection, and it won't last long. Thus, I refuse to believe in the false premise that obsessing with people is a bad thing. Rather, for me, it's a requirement for anything serious.

There are two approaches to dealing with cyclical behaviour and thoughts:

1. is as you mention, systematically examine your thoughts and question them.
2. is to interrupt the thoughts and behaviors consistently diverting attention elsewhere, not allowing them to propagate.

The problem with 1 is that if you are analytical you can get stuck in analytical loops, this can be quite neurotic in its own right, and can make things worse. Also you can't assume what that the catalyst or the metaphorical "cupids arrow" is something still relevant. Reality is you have conditioned yourself into this behaviour, so you need to condition yourself out of it.

If have unhelpful thoughts, it is often easier to disrupt them rather them arguing with yourself. These thought will be persistent, so each time you find yourself back there again keep disrupt them again. Even is you have to fill your head with gibberish.

Hale_Bopp: You've described a situation I know all too well. For me, the obsession can last years.

People say to get rid of any reminders of that person (i.e. photos, CDs that feature "our song", etc.). In my case, it's nearly everything on the planet that's a reminder. So it's total hell for me.

Anyway, hang in there.

I have the same issue with a girl at work, it's been ongoing but these last couple of weeks it ramped up big time.

I don't really know what to do, I enjoy fantasizing about her but I have the same opinion as Hale_Bopp that it's basically sad and a waste of valuable time to do so.

I have a variety of strategies, sometimes I embrace the fantasy, sometimes I shift my attention to a hobby or exercise, sometimes I might choose to fantasize about someone else in a similar way, or waste some time trawling through the dating sites. And just keep in mind at some point in the future the feelings will go away.

I know a lot of people who have felt like this and I have felt the same way as well. I think it is very normal and part of the human condition. When we see something we like or meet someone interesting we begin to imagine what it would be like to have it/them. Sometimes we end up actually achieving it. Then we begin to imagine what it would be like if we lost it. This causes all kinds of discomfort. It is not about pros and cons in a person. Everyone has pros and cons. We usually fall in love with both in a weird way. I know it is very hard to stop wanting someone and even harder to except the fact that they may not want you. I think what you may be trying to do is similar to trying to fit a square peg through a round hole. If it doesn't fit don't try to make it. Just go look for the piece that fits...or person.