Didnt date in HS/College feel unprepared for dating as adult

Post Reply New Topic

Inb4 'women can smell bitterness'

(they can't)

yes that's why I don't bother to approach at times because I know they will be able to sense and smell my bitterness and resentment, feel like i'm in a catch-22 situation.

I think you misread. I'm saying women can't smell bitterness (just like men can't). It was a preemptive strike on this inevitable post.

the way I see it, men have to earn one, women are given one.

21 year old female here. Like you, I've never been in a relationship, or dated. And I'm also pretty worried about how awkward it will be if I ever do get a boyfriend and he realizes how inexperienced and awkward I am. But that all depends on me actually finding someone, which I'm not sure I'll be able to do, since I have trouble talking to people that I'm interested in, and I'm not interested in the few guys that take an interest in me.
While I don't want to die alone, I also don't think I could date someone that I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with. So, since no one ever really asks me out, I've been trying to talk to and be friendly with more guys (in order to improve my confidence). I haven't gotten to the point where I'm able to approach a guy that I'm attracted to without a reason yet, but I feel a little more comfortable talking to and being friendly with guys that I don't know now. Plus, I've made a lot of new guy friends! But the crappy part about that is they're all in relationships, so when they invite me to go out and do things I'm always a third wheel. That, and all of their friends are in relationships too... :/
But my point is that you shouldn't give up yet. From what I've heard, the best thing that you can do to improve your chances of getting a date are to get out there/be more social. ALSO (pro tip) make friends that are girls. Even if you're not interested in the girl that you befriend, she might have be able to introduce you to her single friends. Just don't get discouraged. And especially don't act like an entitled male chauvinist. Speaking as a girl, there is nothing more off-putting than a guy who thinks that he 'deserves' affection/sexual favors from a girl, just because he was being a decent human being towards her (a.k.a so called 'nice guys' on the supposed 'friend zone'). If we were to reverse the roles, where a girl that you had absolutely no interest in romantically/sexually demanded that you owed her because she was being (what you thought was) your friend, then you wouldn't be like "Yeah, ok, that makes total sense. Give me a second so that I can completely disregard all of my feelings, opinions, and preferences.... And- ok! Done. Cool, let's do this!" If you end up finding a girl that you like and she says that she would rather just be friends, then accept her choice and either (A) move on (if you don't think that you can be 'just friends') or (B) get rid of your feelings and be the best goddamned friend that girl has ever had! That's it. Period. Done.
And, just so I don't end on a rant, I'm wishing you luck! There're roughly 3.42 million straight, single women between the ages of 20 and 30 in this world - so a little less than 5% of the worldwide population is available. I'd say that your chances of finding someone aren't that bad! Now get out there and make a lady friend (preferably not the kind you hire (though they probably need friends too))!

That's my whole point: I never experienced a time when I was "supposed" to start dating. I've never had a real chance even to try, being much too socially isolated, and without any realistic means to break out of this situation other than just walking away and being homeless, with no idea where to go and no sensible expectation to survive.



You may not think it happens, but it does. And I've been very lucky compared with women who are kept as property by their fathers and forced into an arranged marriage, so they change hands, but are always completely at the mercy of the man owning them.

The bottom line is, their house or their money, their rules. And most parents agree their children's first sexual experience should be put off for as long as possible, so you can't expect them to support anything which tends to have the opposite effect, like dating would.

It's understandable: biologically, sexual maturity means you're an adult, and this, in turn, means you should have left the nest and be fending for yourself. It goes against nature for your parents to see you as a mature man while they're still supporting you. The only way they can justify to themselves not kicking you out is by continuing to regard you as a little kid, and little kids don't get to date---they don't even get to move around on their own with anywhere near the freedom needed to date---and much less to have sex. Biologically, a man in his home is the alpha male---having sex while you live there means you're challenging his status in his own territory, so don't expect it to end well.

The only solution, therefore, is to earn the category of a true adult by moving out and proving you can fend for yourself. The longer you take to do it, the worse, because your debt to them will keep growing, and they'll keep reinforcing the habit of making every decision for you while you make none. And it will show wherever you go.

That's the main difference between the sexes: some of us never find anyone taking an interest in us, so our like or dislike for them is a moot point.

living with your parents looks much worse in guys than it does in girls

If you don't find anyone taking an interest in you then how can your sex (gender) make any difference?

Because one gender can always find someone taking an interest in them. Go on online dating.

Those are some good points spiderpig especially about sexual maturity, and the having a relationship while your parents are still supporting you. I would not want to have a long term relationship while living at home. But what I am saying is my parents wouldn't care if I dated or went out to see a girl they would probably be happy they probably think I'm gay(not that there is anything wrong with that but my parents wouldn't be happy). I want to take baby steps like actually take a girl on date(if people still do those) to see if I like her then take her home. My parents know I have never been some wonderboy that will land the perfect job at this certain age and will retire by this certain age they understand I need more time than normal people with getting on my feet.

well put. thanks for the advice I have thought about it before and I really am just going to try to be kind and friendly girls I meet with no expectations. I think it be a lot easier to think of it that way and I'd assume its a lot less stressful to approach someone that way when your not approaching them just to hit on them. I say I'd assume because I have ever approached any girl ever for any reason. Good luck to you as well it sounds like your making progress.

seriously, there are times I feel like punching a random guys lights out for telling me to grow a pair, grow some balls, man up.

You are 27 and live with your parents. You've never been on a date or kissed a girl... and yet claim to have had "horrible" experiences with women.

(If you've never been on a date, you haven't had a horrible date. How can your "no date" experience possibly be *bad*?).

You're judgy about looks and preemptively bitter against women who GASP expect adult men to be independent and self-supporting.

(Note: These are not women, by your own account, who want sugar daddies or to be taken to 5* restaurants every night. Women with perfectly reasonable expectations, who are themselves independent and financially stable. They aren't expecting anything of YOU that they don't expect of THEMSELVES).

You won't actually TALK to women. At. All. You just kind of seethe at them and radiate bitterness from a distance, Elliot Rodger-esquely. You post the same damn complaint (waaaah! Women I refuse to approach don't know I exist) over and over and over again but don't actually do anything different.

Why don't you consider:

1. Addressing your social skills issues (take a class, get a therapist, join Toastmasters, do SOMETHING).

2. Get a social life -- make friends (male and female) locally. You have to walk (have platonic relationships) before you can run (have a romantic relationship). The latter requires WAY more of the social skills you currently lack than the former.

3. Either accept/embrace that you're a 27 yo who lives with his parents and isn't financially independent or DO SOMETHING about it (like, get a job and an apartment, even it's a shared place with a flatmate or three). Don't just complain that it's sooooo unfair independent adult women prefer independent adult men).

4. Get a hobby. The more time you spend doing something other than obsessing about your lack of a love life, the better.

5. Get realistic about looks -- yours and your potential dating partners. The "well, I might date a girl with a sorta plain face if she had a smokin' hot supermodel's body" thing, has that worked for ya? Has your burning desire to date 19-20 yo super-hot girls that you claim evolution drives you towards EVER worked? No.

6. Losing the giant chip on your shoulder. Detectable via computer screen from 1000s miles away. It's not working for you.

Being a dateless 27 yo virgin is WAY easier to overcome than being a, say, 30 yo dateless virgin. Or a 40 yo one!! Failing to change address how your behavior has resulted in circumstances you don't like pretty much guarantees those circumstances will continue. Indefinitely.

Watching this video right here was a more painful, cold reality reminder of how it's easier for girls in terms if you are socially-inept, here is the video, yes I know life is not fair, well this is an example of how life is more intensely unfair if you are a guy:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91SlnIVDFso