Polyamory: Someone Please Help Me Understand

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Meh... jury's out but only insofar as any sapiosexual could be called (gray?)ace. As long as girls take care of themselves and their minds I'm not even particular about what galaxy they're from. A solid majority of the girls I so much as know have themselves dated girls, it's interesting actually being challenged to relate this mindset. One would think such questions would be more commonplace...

As I already wrote before, this is a deal breaker. I won't get involved with anybody that wants a lot of sex, and I wouldn't allow them to pursue it elsewhere either, so I have to make this a deal breaker.

But I know there are polyamory people (primarily women I suspect), that are asexual and that does allow the sexual guy to get it elsewhere, like in another relationship. Since asexuality is way more common in women, I don't think there is a need for an asexual guy to get involved with a sexual woman, as there are many enough asexual to select among.

^Also something of a non-issue to me; the only girls I get along with and/or date understand the risks implied by that anyway. My only true 'deal breaker' is if I'm matter-of-factly unable to communicate with a girl, which thankfully is rather uncommon with me, the ladies I share some common ground with however are uniquely respected as far as I'm concerned. I think being protective is important and being possessive is a waste of energy.

I don't believe you understand what Polyamory is: It is a sexual/romantic orientation in which a person feels most comfortable dating/marrying/being in love with multiple people. It's not a cult, it's not a result of "unmet needs", it most certainly is not a result of someone being some sort of sex fiend.

I don't care if my bf "sleeps around", not because I'm polyamory but because I don't feel that it is any of my business, but I am an exeption, not the rule.

Other, "normal" polyamorous people do care, so, just like a monoamorous relationship, sleeping around would be sleeping with someone who isn't in their "group". So if John, Jane, and Bill are in a polyamorous relationship, John sleeping with Jane or Bill would be ok, but if John says "f*ck" it and decides to sleep with Tina, then that's considered cheating


You don't have to "get it" I, as a gay teen, do not understand why all the other boys my age are so obsessed with breasts. On the other hand, plenty of straight ppl don't understand why i like boys (Most think it is gross). And Asexuals don't find sex fun, and wonder why everyone else "wastes so much time" doing a seemingly pointless activity.

Sexual/romantic behaviors and desires are traits that are incredibly unique to each individual, just like fears or disgust. So, while you don't get why anyone in the world would want to date two people, I can't see why anyone in the world would want to date just one. But like I said, S/R behaviors are incredibly personal, so the only thing you can do is shrug your shoulders and say "I'll do me and You'll do you" because you can't "convince" a person so not be polyamorous, just like you can't convince anyone in this forum to suddenly stop being autistic.



Tbh I understand (even though saying so is not PC. Gasp!!), because it is a very uncommon orientation. I'm the only person I know who is Polyamorous, and I know A LOT of people who are LGBT+.
We fear and dislike what is strange or different from what we normally have experienced, and that is an ordinary human experience, and since it is very unlikely you'll meet a polyamorous person, you are probably going to regard this orientation with some form of suspicion. Since you have obviously been misinformed about what polyamory is in the first place, I challenge you to read this wikipedia article. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
and if You're REALLY daring, you can go to an organization dedicated to (gasp) advancing the rights of polyamory people to be accepted as human beings rather than being stigmatized and read their FAQ
http://www.lovemore.com/faq/



Please don't call my (or anyone else's) orientation crap. It's not nice and it's uncalled for.


In short, 52% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. FIFTY TWO. that's more than half.
If I can live in a (somewhat) committed relationship with two or more people, and it lasts, then I've beaten ^that statistic. Why the f*** should I be stigmatized for that?? Why should I be forced to choose between being in a monogamous relationship that I'm not happy with (and be socially accepted), and being in a relationship where I feel comfortable, but am judged constantly for my innate, unchangeable orientation? Why is it that a relationship that involves more than two people HAS to raise an eyebrow or be called "disgusting" or "weird".

Maybe many of you don't get the fact that I love two people, but what I don't get is that so many of you make a big fuss over something that I can't change, and why you can't just accept people whose lifestyles are different than yours.
LOVE IS LOVE, and that is an adamant, unbending FACT

It is perfectly possible to both be ok with polyamory and still want a "marriage like your parents".

I myself also think think that polyamoury and open relationships are perfectly ok, but i won't want to be in one: i know that i'll be jealous.
Just becouse i don't think i can be in a polyamourous relationship doesn't make it wrong: as long as everyone involved is happy with the situation, it is none of my business.

Thank you all who have answered so far. If I have said anything wrong (like the crap comment), I apologize. This is just so against my morals that I'm going to have a hard time accepting my Aspie friend now.

Question: I'm still confused. Is this polyamory the same as an "open relationship"? My Aspie friend looked up polyamory and said that isn't what he meant - he meant an open relationship.

How is this possible? They are totally opposite in nature.

I'm not into Polyamory myself.

It, basically, means that you love more than one person (more precisely, more than two people). According to that notion, you wouldn't be cheating if you love, and have sex with, another person other than your main partner.

I don't really get it myself--but it's out there.

Most guys, by the way, are not into that philosophy, whether AS or NT.

Polyamory is like polytheism, in that a person loves or worships more than one being. While each being may be loved or worshipped for similar reasons, each of the beings may also have a different field of interest that the lover or worshipper also shares.

But then, just like gods, people can be selfish and insecure, expressing jealous behavior and a sense of "ownership" toward anyone who expresses love for them - to them polyamory is as great a "sin" as polytheism is to a "wrathful and jealous" god.

Love does not have to be exclusive, unless agreed upon by both people involved.

Never assume mono-amory in a relationship unless it is expressly stated and agreed upon both both parties.

No, it means you are ABLE to love more than one person at the same time. It doesn't mean you do, just as not everybody that is single are in love with somebody.



Not really. The general rules are that people must disclose their partners to each others, and sex is only allowed between known partners. You cannot have sex with anybody. It's considered cheating.

I'm talking about the general meaning of the term.

I see what you're saying, though.

Mr. K, I just can't accept that my Aspie friend thinks like this. Some may think that I'm overreacting, but its just so against the values I believe in. I'm going to have a hard time seeing him the same way. I still just can't believe it. He really had me fooled with who I thought he was. I think I'm going to have a hard time being his friend anymore because I have said many times how I have admired him, but this is a part of who he is and I can't get past it right now - it disgusts me and according to the way I live, I believe it is morally wrong. I don't know what to do.

You don't have to sacrifice your values to please this guy

I wouldn't sacrifice mine for anybody.

I don't think polyamory is amoral, really. I understand it, somewhat--but I think it can lead to trouble.

I can't wrap my mind around it. Anyway you twist it, it's still cheating in the moral sense except "legally". What does that tell me about his principles? I thought we were so much alike when really we couldn't be more opposite. He said he values loyalty! But he believes in this?! To me he must not value relationships at all which means does he even value our friendship? My total image of him is blown.

This person might be a loyal friend. I wouldn't take his "polyamory" to indicate that he'd be nothing less than loyal to you.

It's the love and sex part which could pose problems.

But the friend part....I don't think it's affected at all.

Are you in the eastern part of Kansas, or the western part? I think of Wichita as being very different from Kansas City. Kansas City is probably more conventionally "urban."

Northeastern part.