Living with someone with executive dysfunction

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HAnachronism, what I hear is you wanting to know how you can cope, rather than fixes for his impairment.

When he forgets to do something that was important to you, you can let it go. If you can’t let it go, express your hurt and frustration somewhere he can’t see. There is literally nothing more important if you love him and want the best for him. He doesn’t need to see his failures reflected in your eyes.

How you cope is with your choice of meditation, prayer, exercise, painting, poetry, walks in the woods. Or vent with a friend. Or vent here. Or develop a sense of humor about it. You both could even laugh together about it. It’s something you can develop over time.

Of course if this doesn’t suit you, please ignore. Just my 2c

Also, make sure your door has a deadbolt lock, NOT a spring lock. Spring locks are useless for keeping burglars out (because they are easily jimmied) but very good at keeping YOU out if you forget your keys.

I live with two such people--my 13-year-old son and myself. It doesn't make things easy.

My girlfriend has BAD Executive Dysfunction issues. She's very forgetful & easily loses track of time & things. She's tried various approaches to deal with it including buying a magnetic poster-board thing & writing out lots of sticky notes that list different chores & tasks & have magnets on back so she can organize & keep track of things to do. She also tried having tasks alerts on her phone. That stuff did not help. It's easy for her to create schedules & plans but she has a very hard time implementing them & sticking to them. She has bad anxiety, bad depression, & maybe bad ADHD as well & is also possibly on the spectrum. She has OCD & likes having things planned out & HATES last minute stuff, especially when it involves others like her family coming by or wanting her to spend a night or couple with them or family wanting her to go with them somewhere when they are hanging out together. However her issues can majorly hinder her ability to follow through with things. She gets caught up with something or gets side-tracked for a while, Or she gets so anxious dreading an activity that she has to put it off, Or she feels so depressed that she needs to sleep instead of doing what she planned.

I've had a very hard time dealing with that in the past. I'm an Aspie who really likes routine, schedules, & predictability & I like things being planned out. I have OCD on top of my Aspergers. I can be a great strategist if I know all the details about something & I know how & have the capability the carry things out but I do NOT handle last minute things & plans changing. I've had LOTS of bad meltdowns with my parents changing plans on me. They change plans a lot of don't really make them. They quit telling me plans cuz I kept having meltdowns when they changed em on me but then I started having meltdowns with them because they would tell me things at the last minute & they would rush me to do things or rush me to get ready to leave the house with them & go somewhere when they knew I wanted/needed to go. Getting on anxiety & OCD medication has helped me a little with that.

I've had some very bad meltdowns with my girlfriend as well over things changing or not happening. One of my issues is that she is a lot more accommodating with her family than she is with me. She'll push herself as hard as she can to follow through with them but not me cuz she is too burnt-out. I sometimes felt like I was 2nd place to them. I've come to realize that she has a codependent relationship with her family. She does not know how to set boundaries with them & they take advantage of that mostly unintentionally. That can eventually lead to her having a breakdown/meltdown over things. I don't feel like 2nd place nearly as much since I've come to realize that. I've gradually learned to bite my tongue so to speak & avoid acting upset with her. Me getting upset & blowing up at her makes both of us feel like total cr@p for the whole day. Whereas if I hold myself together I will be fine a little while latter. Getting on an anitpsychotic helps hold me together some. My motto is Pick Your Battles & I keep trying to remind myself that getting angry & fighting/arguing/yelling is NOT worth it.

I might have some Executive Dysfunction issues as well but I have ADD so that could be why. I'm very reliable in a workplace setting but I can have issues getting things done in other settings/environments like home & school. One of my problems at home is that lots of tasks/chores are not super important. It does not really matter if I vacuum today or next week. It does not matter when the dishes are washed today or tomorrow or whenever as long as they are washed by the time we run out of clean 1s. Laziness may be my issue at home. I work hard & play hard. A big part of my problem with school was that I have dyslexia & other related learning disabilities that really interfered with my school performance. It's very difficult to motivate yourself & try your best when you are burnt-out from something & know you are in an environment/situation where you will fail or majorly struggle. Burn-out can make Executive Dysfunction worse. Perhaps the OP's bf is going through one or a depression. If so his Executive Dysfunction might could be helped by addressing his depression & burn-out. Maybe changing some of his habits or environmental factors & stressors would help or treatment like counseling, meds or a combo. My memory is not the best. I'm horrible with dates. Sometimes I even forget my birthday is coming up until somebody makes a comment or makes a comment about my dad's bDay cuz it's the same day as mine. Maybe part of my issues is my dyslexia & ADD. I need reminders for things like that. It also helps having a list when I need to get a bunch of things at the store. The list could be written down or in a text message on my phone as long as I have it & remember to check while I'm there. Lists help my girlfriend remember things to get when going out.

I am the one with executive dysfunction. I know you did not ask for fixes, but I thought I would share some things that help.

I worked with a professional organizer a few years ago. She helped me define a specific place for everything. I do not have a junk drawer. Literally everything has a place. This helps me not lose things and stay a bit more organized. I keep a tile in my wallet and keys. I have covered my tv remote with orange duct tape so I can find it easier. I have alarms set on my phone to remind me to eat.

The part I still have not mastered is daily chore type things.

My roommate although not officially diagnosed he most likely has autism. Luckily my weaknesses are his strengths and vice versa. So in that sense it may be helpful to focus on his strengths. Remember all humans are not perfect. On the pc automatically back up to the cloud.

I know for me I prefer people to be honest with me about things that bother them about my behavior. I can really lack awareness. I feel bad that I was hurting someone. I ask what I can do to change something. I try to make the changes. I like feedback and I am open to suggestions. I can't do better if I do not know better.