Do Men with Asperger's Initiate Dates?

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Wolfram 87 - thank you for being so helpful. It appears from your profile that you are a fairly young man. You are so articulate, smart and clear thinking - amazing for your age! I am taking everything that you say to heart, so believe me when I say that you have helped someone today.

This particular man is an older gentleman, conservative values, and yes an introvert - computer software architect. Plus, he is very smart and articulate just like you. He is very clear, logical and intentional in conversations with me, although sometimes they go all over the map, change topics quickly etc. He definitively has all the normal aspie traits - like saying inappropriate things . . . when I have called him out on it, he gets real quite and bashful. When I first met him we had already talked for months and became very close. He maintained deep eye contact with me during our one and only meeting, and wouldn't allow any distraction to come between our conversation (almost like he was searching for confirmation that I would not leave him). Like I said, he called the following day and I told him that I wanted for him to arrange for us to meet again. He said okay, but it never happened. I think that I have provided much emotional support to him. The part that you mentioned about not making the next move because he doesn't want to lose what he has intrigues me. It is either that, or he does not know the appropriate time to take the next step. I do sense that he is afraid, otherwise, he would not have mentioned all of his prior rejections. Of course, he would never tell me he was afraid . . . it comes out more in his emotions, perceived insecurity and need for re-assurance.

I will try to muster the courage to be direct with him. I guess that I have told him in many ways of my interest, with the exception of directly telling him - didn't think that I had to do that

My one girlfriend I had in highschool was even more awkward and quiet than me, so yeah I actually had to initiate the few outings we went on. I guess I understand why people are not enthusiastic about dating quiet types, it's stressful having to take the lead.

I do, usually when it's painfully obvious a girl would like me to.

Have you tried looking for these situations or maybe creating one?

It has happened. Failed a lot, worked only once.



How about this: get with the new times. If you like someone - ask him out. "The man should do it" - belongs in the past.

A lot of men - regardless of psychological diagnosis - are sick and tired of having to initiate, we rarely ever get any responses. I have stopped "hunting" women on dating sites, i just hang around and let them contact me, i cant be arsed to write another letter, the whole ordeal is too depressing. Same with IRL.



Tell him. Or like i said before, YOU ask HIM out.



Do you think all aspies are the same, wear the same shirt, like the same music, read the same books and behave identically when asked to initiate? One thing i can say which seem to fit in on many of us: We seem to be missing the "macho-gene".



See previous answer.



Have you read the DSM/ICD diagnosis on Autism/Aspergers, especially around the words "have problems socialising" ?



Well, the emotions are not imaginary, or made out of plastic.



You can expect: a kiss, some words of endearment, a smile. We are not romantically challenged, some are just shy or does not know how to voice their feelings.



No problemo. Just pleeeease stop generalising about aspie men or any other group of people.

Everyone is unique, just like everyone else

The first problem is I can't imagine anything I'd be realistically able to do to make that happen.

The second is I'm not sure it wouldn't be morally objectionable for me to try. Women seem to be really pissed off when someone who isn't up to snuff approaches them, and it seems unworthy suitors should know in advance they're unworthy and stay away. Besides, I'm simply not used to think I belong anywhere people go to find potential partners. I'd be just getting in the way. Well, and I fully expect to be shoved aside by force.

You can approach a snow-woman in winter. I'm sure she'll melt at the sight of you!

I don't know what to say, other than I am sorry that you have had some not so pleasant experiences. We all have them . . . keep trying! I also do not fit in to normal places where people find partners, but I believe that there is someone for everyone, as naive as that sounds. I hope that you will stay encouraged and keep trying. There are many community type groups and volunteer organizations where we can meet people. These are not the normal places, but have plenty of interesting and compassionate people.

I know how you feel. That's why I always wait for a girl to start talking to me.

And that'd be murder! I knew there had to be something criminal about it

Find out where this dude in question likes to go. If you know he likes conventions, mention going to a comic convention with him for example. Then when you are there with him, tell him something like "I enjoy spending time with you, we should spend more time together." That is blunt and straight forward. If he doesn't like going out, if he likes staying home and playing video games; mention something about coming over and playing video games with him. That is only if you're comfortable of course. Some women don't like to go over a guy's house right away. Depending on how intimate you want to be right off the bat, when he's playing a game rub him, or something. Something like that lol.

Hey baffled, Hopefully I can help ya out a bit here...To answer your question, yes, I usually have to be the one to step up to plate when I'm in a position like you. Clearly most women would prefer men do, and you have mentioned that yourself, but I think expecting him to be that guy, might only hinder things for you even further, because, I speak for myself and what I've seen on the these forums, but I think most of us struggle to make the first move.

For me personally I usually drag things out way to long myself, although one time I was shot down super quick after making a sexual advance that she wasn't gonna let me have so easily lol. That reaction is exactly what I'm for some reason, so deathly afraid of. The thought of making a move and getting shot down just makes my gut wrench for some reason. Usually though, I don't act fast enough because my own insecurities get in the way and I start to second guess her cues...it's not so much that I don't pick up on them, because I do (at least I think I do). It's more that I just start over thinking it and worry too much about me being wrong about her liking me. I think this happens to anyone who is kinda shy though and especially aspies.

If he struggles with any of that I mentioned above, then I think giving him a real obvious sign would help speed things up. I know that's gotta be tough for you too, no one likes having to make themselves so vulnerable. What have you done so far in attempt to show him your interest? If you're just giving him the subtle gestures he might not be picking up on them. He could just think you're putting him in the friend zone, if you not somewhat bold about it. Someone said to get him alone in a room and flash him lol! I wouldn't do that but be as bold about what you want from him.

I dated an aspie once in my life and it was the easiest dating experience ever, because she flat out told me everything I needed to hear VIA passing notes lol. I know that sounds really elementary but if you write him a note saying something like " Hey I've really been thinking about you a lot lately and I'm really starting to feel more and more attracted to you the more I get to know you and I really hope you feel the same way." I think that would give him what he needs to reassure him any efforts he makes won't be pointless. If you think it would make it easier maybe even tell him how you really need him to understand how this is hard for you to put yourself out there like this, and let him know you just really want him to realize how you feel for him... I can almost guarantee he will not think negatively of you for being so upfront, I'm willing to bet he will feel relieved that it got put out there and will start making more moves after you do.

So it is a relationship you want with him right, not just a fling? I could tell you more if I knew more about where you guys are at and what your friendship consists of so far. How have you been communicating and interacting with him? How long have you been, for lack of better term, pursuing him?

Hello Crazyfool - You are awesome! How old are you? Thank you for taking the time to provide me with such thoughtful, sound and logical information. You are making all the sense in the world to me. I so much appreciate you and your thoughtfulness to me! To answer your question for more information, below are some of my responses to others about this sweet aspie man - also see my initial post, Baffled by Aspie Man. This man always responds to my emails within minutes and is always johnny on the spot helpful whenever I need him via phone. He is showing interest in many non-direct ways. Most people, i don't think would even notice, but I am training myself to pick up on his feelings, although he never directly tells me.

Show interest in the Aspie's "special interest"--that would help. Listen to what he has to say, and comment (even though you might not be interested at the moment). Baffled Tufted Titmouse Tufted Titmouse

Response:
Yes, I am doing just that . . . taking all kinds of interest in his interests. I told him that I enjoy talking with him and that he is interesting. He acted shocked, insecure, emotional and said . . . you mean you find what I say interesting. I replied to him that everything that he says is interesting. I keep trying to give him confidence and reassurance, but he still will not initiate. This has been going on for far too long . . . I don't want to push him along to the next step. But, I do not know what to do?

Answering a few more comments:
We met one time and he called within 24-hrs. I think that he was looking for reasurrance and we thanked each other profusely. He seemed happy, giggly and relieved, so I assume that he has strong feelings for me. He walked me to my car, kept his eye on me and lingered as if he missed me before I was gone.

We always have marathon conversations, including when we meet - everything flowed naturally - the only thing missing is that we don't express how we feel about each other, and he doesn't initiate.

He seems to like to solve problems for me. He also talks about his future plans, and without directly saying it, acts as if I am in it. He seems to be very thoughtful towards me. He also seems to always be trying to relate to everything that I say with a story of his own about the same topic. I think this means that he is trying hard to relate to me. I guess this may be what men do to show interest . . . yet he never directly says that he is interested.

Whenever, I need help . . . he is johnny on the spot via phone/email. Then he asks me if he was helpful, it is just darling. But he asks in an insecure/clueless/he really doesn't know way as if he needs reassurance

This particular man is an older gentleman, conservative values, and yes an introvert - computer software architect. Plus, he is very smart and articulate just like you. He is very clear, logical and intentional in conversations with me, although sometimes they go all over the map, change topics quickly etc. He definitively has all the normal aspie traits - like saying inappropriate things . . . when I have called him out on it, he gets real quite and bashful. When I first met him we had already talked for months and became very close. He maintained deep eye contact with me during our one and only meeting, and wouldn't allow any distraction to come between our conversation (almost like he was searching for confirmation that I would not leave him). Like I said, he called the following day and I told him that I wanted for him to arrange for us to meet again. He said okay, but it never happened. I think that I have provided much emotional support to him. The part that you mentioned about not making the next move because he doesn't want to lose what he has intrigues me. It is either that, or he does not know the appropriate time to take the next step. I do sense that he is afraid, otherwise, he would not have mentioned all of his prior rejections. Of course, he would never tell me he was afraid . . . it comes out more in his emotions, perceived insecurity and need for re-assurance.

Well thank's bud you're pretty rad your self I'm 28 btw. I know my advice probably seemed a little childish with the letter recommendation lol but sometimes depending on the individual you gotta use unconventional methods playing the dating game.

I just read your original post about this man and a few comments down and I'm short on time otherwise I'd read more. I wouldn't be so quick to give up as that first poster recommended. I think he's probably at a loss as to what to do next and riddled with fear of messing it up on top of it. By everything you said about how he's acting would lead me to believe he is very interested in you, especially the bit you said about your conversation after the one time you guys did meet up. Don't assume that the current circumstances will persist through out the entire future, and you will only see this guy once every few months...That is ridiculous.

I think this guy is just having a hard time expressing his feelings towards you and also struggling with picking up on yours. In my opinion he just needs a push and some reassurment that his efforts will not be counteractive end up just pushing you away. He's made it clear that he's got some fear around being shot down, already. I would imagine that he attributes some of his past efforts to "make moves" with getting turned down and is probably at the very least reluctant or maybe even deathly afraid to make any moves again....reassure him that he is safe to act and speak freely around you, reassure him that you really do find him interesting and appealing...I feel like he just needs you to say it, because I do not know why else he would drag his feet for so long.

I think all of his behavior speaks for its self and I think you know that but are just afraid to put it to the test...understandably too. You've invested a lot of emotion into what you guy have shared already, I'd be afraid to put that on the line too... but if you're scared chances are he's more scared...just telling ya how it looks to me. Personally if I were in his shoes then I the only reason I wouldn't have done more to move on with everything are either 1. fear of being shot down, 2. I don't share those feelings. If it were the latter, I wouldn't have shared my insecurities around relationships or bombard you with a million thank you's and I also wouldn't be struggling so much to spend some time with you....I know that sounds backwards but I often have the hardest time letting someone get to know me, that I have strong feelings for. If it were someone I knew I had intended on keeping in the friend zone..then meeting up for short bursts wouldn't feel like such a burden because I know less is expected of me.

So If I were you I would reassure him of everything I mentioned, be blunt about your feelings with him, and if need be just flat out ask him if he feels the same way. Tell him you need to see him more than once in a blue moon. Just tell him you need to know because it's only fair to you know if these feelings are worth the energy. He wont be offended, and I think that might finally get things in motion for you two, if the feelings are mutual. Does he know you're aware of him being an aspie? That's my biggest fear around dating is that once she finds out it'll be a lost cause....

I really hope that my experiences are reflecting his behavior correctly and I'm not just giving blind advice here....either way being bold with him couldn't possibly hurt matters unless you are content on having relationship over the phone for ever...

what is the logic behind why taking initiative is a masculine thing?
and Aspergers men need more help in this area, there should be more give and take, seriously, as a man I get sick and tired of always having to take the lead, but at the same time, I wonder why I resent that, some people argue and say that normal, emotionally-healthy guys do not resent taking initiative, taking the lead, etc. I wonder if something is wrong with my genetic programming.

Initiating dates has NEVER worked for me. My 3 girlfriends all made the 1st move but they were online before we started dating.

Interesting . . . . Thank you!