My wife is asexual

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That's plenty of evidence, especially when they appear to have a good relationship.



I'm just sick and tired of the idea that asexuality should only be considered when everything else has been ruled out and tried. In my investigations of asexuality, it's very clear that self-identifying as asexual (or outright finding sexual intercourse disgusting) in the late teens is the cause of intimacy problems (= no desire to have sex) later in life. Sex drive or sexual attraction has no causative role in this.



Not saying anything against that. Different perspectives are always needed.

^ Imagine the world if he could reproduce asexually....

The Homo sapiens would go extinct by mass suicide.

Superior traits don't need to be successful.

It's just that you misunderstand what asexuality really is. Asexuality is not to dislike reproduction, it's about disliking to have meaningless sexual intercourse "for fun". Thus, I don't anticipate that asexual people will have any less children than sexual. I have 3 children myself, and most sexual guys here have none.

No. They'd probably go extinct because of the number of men who would decide to live happy, long, and productively lives focusing on things they can actually do.

It's not "meaningless" and "just for fun" if it is part of strengthening a marriage. It is a gift to a spouse.

*facepalm*

In practical terms, the best way to satisfy your sexual urges when your wife is "not in the mood" is to masturbate.

I can understand not wanting to have sex when I'm not "in the mood." I've had women really be rather aggressive about their desire for sex when I didn't "feel like it." It's not a good feeling to "go through the motions" when you're "not in the mood."

If she really is "not in the mood," I would resort to masturbation.

There can be a number of reasons for an aversion to sex that are not necessarily fundamentally asexual.

I don't see what the problem is in investigating and ruling out other potential problems, especially when it could bring about a solution that makes things easier for the spouse that needs to have more sex.

I agree with Nerdygirl.

It is meaningless to the asexual individual. It might not be meaningless to the spouse, and might even be a gift, but then the couple is severely mismatched on sexual needs. Such a relationship could still work of course, but then all the compromise should not be done by the asexual part.

There can be multiple reasons for sure, but you don't investigate every possible reason why people want sex instead of abstinence before assuming they are sexual. Thus, I think it is enough that somebody says "I'm asexual, and I don't want sex". There is no reason why anybody should doubt that and try every possible fix before accepting somebodys own claims as true. It's similar to if I claim that neurodiverse people are just NTs that needs to be fixed, and before we have ruled out every other possibility that they are different (like a bad upbringing), they are not allowed to self-identify as different.

Yes, but OP never said his wife claimed to be asexual, only that he suspects it. He also talked about her "libidousness, however rare." I am only suggesting that the situation may not be an issue of asexuality. That is all. The rest is between them.

I think we're getting hung up of the "a" word. How about this. The OP is not getting enough sex in this relationship. Period.

It might be that there are other issues that have driven his wife's libido down (stress, overwork, depression...). It might be that she "overexpressed" her sexuality early in the relationship to please him, but doesn't feel the need to now. There could be a medical condition involved. It could be any number of things.

Communication is, of course, the first thing. Does she know how much this is bothering her husband? Is she interested in doing anything about it? Does she think it's something that she needs to do anything about? Depending on the answers, then there are also the question of whether she's willing to let her husband fulfill this one gap in an otherwise complete relationship elsewhere. There's a lot we don't know, and probably a lot the OP doesn't know yet.

I'd recommend couple's counseling in this case. As full of opinions we all are on this forum (myself at the head of the line) I don't think we're going to be able to dictate THE SOLUTION. Especially since we can't even agree on nomenclature.

OP. I've been where you are. It's tough, but there's hope.