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How to raise my Boyfriend's Self-Confidence

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Uprising
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29 Sep 2015, 5:31 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
MissZahara wrote:
Uprising wrote:
DitavonTeeth wrote:
Also, it is unhealthy to establish a dynamic where you are responsible for emotionally propping the boyfriend up. It sets you up for codependency which is utterly miserable for all involved.

Unhealthy... because one is not to be stepped out of their traditional gender norms. :shameonyou:


Huh?? I'm confused.


Because stereotypically (sp?), boyfriends prop up their girlfriends when the latter are down or have self esteem issues. Uprising is referring to this traditional dynamic as often observed and portrayed in media.

Uprising is being sarcastic and telling you that it's okay for the reverse case to exist as well - and that you are strengthening this stereotype by picturing him as a bad boyfriend material because of his esteem issue; it's OK if he's the weak while she's the strong; it's OK if she's the leader while he's the emotionally codependent. And I agree with him, If it's OK for an non confident, emotionally codependent and weak guy to be in a relationship with an emotionally stronger girl. And you, are not obligated to date anyone like this.

Instead of being a homewrecker, let her try to prop him up.

She better not be the alias of the first person I quoted, it's always the same personality that I keep seeing in these type of threads posting the same type of comments.

My apology to MissZahara if it isn't the case in this post, but it's getting tiresome.



beakybird
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29 Sep 2015, 6:33 pm

DitavonTeeth wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I promise...if you put yourself on his lap, and embrace him, his confidence will be raised.


I completely disagree, as true confidence comes from within. You can tell your boyfriend he's wonderful, that you love him and that you're with him for those reasons but whether he believes it is 100% up to him. You cannot make him confident. You shouldn't try to make him confident because it isn't actually within your power to do so.

Also, it is unhealthy to establish a dynamic where you are responsible for emotionally propping the boyfriend up. It sets you up for codependency which is utterly miserable for all involved.


Nonsense. Any long term relationship becomes codependent. If not you're probably too guarded.



beakybird
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29 Sep 2015, 6:47 pm

Firstly, let me say that I am that guy. In my marriage of over 9 years I've been this guy in varying degrees of intensity.

I guess the only answer I can give is by reinforcing, with clearly interpreted actions, the fact that his insecurities are in his mind. If he says he does not feel good enough for you it probably because he doesn't feel good enough for anyone and he feels so intensely for you that it only stand to reason people will try to take you away. And perhaps he doesn't distrust you, but fears once you realize how beneath you he is (or thinks he is) you will undoubtedly be more interested in these droves of individuals who must be better than him.

The problem is more with him and his own personal esteem than your relationship.

He needs to be built up, in his own mind about who and what he is, and the value that carries. Not just to you but just in general.

So if you do not already know, and you want to help, getting down to why he feels this way to begin with, outside of your relationship. i mean, I am assuming that he's not this way only about you guys but many things.

What is it he's most down on himself about?

Maybe helping him to find some personal value. What is he good at? Give him opportunities to be good at whatever that is

If he does not do any exercise he should be. Being a man and poorly exercised can contribute to poor hormonal function and cause wacky self-esteem laden issues.

If you don't already maybe trying to show interest in some of his interests in at minimum semi-authentic way.



ProbablyOverthinkingThisUsername
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01 Oct 2015, 7:26 am

Just to add my two cents, it's possible that because he's on the spectrum he feels "broken" in some way, or like something of an outsider. I get this quite frequently. There's a constant fear of being seen without "the mask" so to speak (the mask here being a set of learned social behaviors I take on to appear "normal"). I can't claim to know with any degree of certainty what is troubling your boyfriend, but if it's this you could try gently coaxing him to just be himself for a bit (and I must emphasize the gently bit, if he's anything like me, the harder you push the more stubborn he'll be), without the need to seem normal. If you notice he starts loosening up and behaving perhaps a little strangely, that's him peeking out. It's very important that you (somewhat overtly) react with warmth and acceptance here. If he sees that you like the way he really is that would help immensely. Again, not sure if this is what's going on but it's what would help me in that situation.