Do Aspie women sh*t test?

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At the top of this thread is a sticky with some overall guidance from a former moderator (DW_a_Mom) about what boundaries to observe when opening/responding to threads in this forum, and these guidelines still apply:

While we understand that many members here have had very frustrating dating (or non-dating) experiences, and that such experiences can lead them to make negative generalizations about the gender involved, Wrong Planet has rules that prohibit any remarks that can be deemed sexist or that make negative generalizations about all members of a gender

This should be a forum where both men and women can be comfortable trying to figure out what is going on in their lives. Generalizations along the lines of "all women are shallow" or "all men are jerks" interfere with that, and are offensive to the members of the gender mentioned. Please be careful to NOT make conclusions or statements that extend beyond your personal experience and the particular people involved.

Talk about your own experience, as your own experience if you want to, though do please take care not to cross the line into sexist generalisation; I would be inclined to think that posting articles that make negative generalised slurs against women could be considered to come under the heading of flaming, even when a member isn't consciously intending this. If you are really unsure about whether something is likely to offend, then perhaps try applying this test set of questions: "Is this true? Is this respectful? Is this necessary?" as well as the obligatory (in terms of the rules) "Is this sexist?".

B19 (in friendly moderation mode)

Life pro tip when dating: Never let your date pay for everything, pay for the next date when you both go out. Take turns.

If someone messages you online on a dating site offering to buy you something, decline it. It is most likely a test.


About the breaking up thing: You have to decide who is more important, your partner or yourself. This is a risky game to play because it can backfire. You are unhappy with your partner so you threaten to break up with them or you are telling them to leave or you are packing up to leave and they let you do it, you are hurt at the end because they let you go so you feel hurt and rejected because they didn't care enough about you because they didn't pick you. I say only do this if you are really going to break up with them and you are prepared to but also have in mind you will give them another chance if they decide to work it out so you give them another chance. But it is possible your partner might think this is just a game so they act cool about it and let you go, bam you leave and they are hurt because they realize you were serious and they had lost you and they feel like they had screwed up.

I don't do this. I sometimes say things that are not quite what I mean when I'm upset and confused, because I can't manage to get the right words out, but the intention is not to manipulate.

i've never done this or had it done to me. i wouldn't appreciate such a test and might consider it grounds for ending the relationship. if you date a person for at least six months before committing yourself to them, as domestic violence experts suggest, life will put enough stressors in their path in that time for you to be able to sort out who they really are without any artificial drama.

In my first two relationships I would say about wanting to break up with them while I was very hurt and upset. I had to learn to not say this when I am upset because every time I would say it, I would realize I didn't mean it. My rule of thumb is never say things while you are upset and wait until you are calm and if you still feel the same way, then say it. I used to not understand why it was a bad thing to do in a relationship, now I know. It comes off as a game and manipulation and you will not get support from your partner so it's tough for me to tell if my ex was egging me to leave like a bully would with their victim when they say they want to hit them so they go "go ahead." Then you are hurt if your partner acts dismissive because they are calling it a game you are playing so not a good idea to say this. It's like how a kid goes "I hate you, you're mean, I want a new family" when they don't get their way because they haven't developed enough proper communication to express themselves so telling that child to "go ahead" can backfire on them because then they really feel you don't love them. It's the same here in relationships if you say you want to break up with them but don't mean it because you don't have a proper way of expressing your feelings and then you are hurt when your partner doesn't give a s**t because of the misunderstanding. The parents think their kid is being manipulative, the partner thinks their partner is being manipulative which is why my husband told me you have to be careful when you do it to the child and it's the same with relationships too. So like I say it's tough for me to even consider this abuse on my ex's part because abusers do not care about your feelings and they dismiss them. But I can imagine an abused telling their abuser they want to leave them so the abuser goes just like a bully "Go ahead" because it makes them feel so powerful it's like "Oh you are going to leave me, I dare you, just try." So yeah be careful when you say this and make sure you mean it when you say it and don't expect any good results. It's like gambling. Also if you often feel like breaking up, then you should break up because the relationship is bad. How much longer can you wait? They rarely change and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave them.

In my first relationship when I was starting to think about breaking up with him because things were not getting better and he was staying the same, I talked to him about it and he acted indifferent about it saying "if we break up, we break up." He said this every time so one day I broke up with him and he didn't take it well at all. He called himself a screw up and fell into depression and I was so confused by his reaction because he had acted all cool about it before I broke up with him. I realize now he probably thought I was playing a game so he was probably doing reverse psychology and it backfired so he was hurt because he had realized I was serious and he blew it. Now the contradiction makes sense.

In my third relationship, I didn't make the same mistake again. That sentence was off limits for when I am upset and still is and should be for everyone. I think only say this when you absolutely sure you are wanting to break up with them and if your partner thinks this is just a game so they don't make any amends and improvements, their loss. It can be a lesson for them to learn. I am sure it was a hard lesson for my first boyfriend.

My 1st post.
Im glad I met my husband before personal computers. But we were both pretty young and figuring out life. ( we both had, had other serious adult relationships, however) dont think Im manipulative, but Im pretty egocentric and Ive been told I have no common sense.
But when we would fight, my husband would say the worst things, & later would say he didnt mean it.
However, I always mean what I say, so I didnt believe him for a long time that he exagerated for emphasis.
( although our daughters say that I have said things to them, that I dont remember, and would be shocked to find that I did. I believe them though, because I was running on fumes way longer than I should have been.)
Its been rough at times, but he really gets me and next year we will have been together for 40 years.

Well yeah, everyone has to do s**t tests when it's required by the doctors; I guess aspie women do poop too.

You're from the 20th century, amirite? Yesterday.......love was such an easy game to play!

21st century dating is a lot more complex. Not only do people(us millennials in particular) have a lot more options, but they have a lot more sexual freedom and no longer are socially obligated to abide by courtship rules or expected to get married and settle down. So nowadays there's more improvisation and more game playing in the world of dating.

The thing about modern dating is that women, particularly young(er) women in their 20s and even in their 30s are the ones who have the advantage. Attractive young women have a lot of options so they are more likely to be testy with guys they meet because women are naturally pickier.

But you should read some of the stories from guys on online dating site forums like Okcupid and PlentyOfFish. I've heard cases of guys who meet women online, move on to txting, then arrange to meet and he gets stood up and she later txts him with some pitiful excuse and tries to flirt with him via txt and arrange a second date(where the same thing happens again) because what she wants is to be chased and pursued so she can feel desirable even though she has no interest in actually dating this guy.

Yeah, because women who are dating never get gamed by skeezy manipulative guys who only want sex/attention to boost their egos. That really mostly happens to dudes, not to pretty much everyone who dates.

Yes, PUA is unscientific garbage. But I will say that some of the stuff they the describe(so-called sh*t testing) has happened to me quite a lot. And it really does make me wonder why I keep attracting the attention of emotionally unstable, manipulative narcissists who are also very extroverted and attention seeking. Gender aside, I have observed that the more outgoing and socially adept a person is, the more disingenuous they are and the more inclined they are to use social gamesmanship.


Nevertheless, no matter what enlightened progressives may say, men and women are different. They have different reproductive roles that are not interchangeable. Humans are not sea slugs as we are not hemaphrodites. Sexism is the belief that one sex is superior to the other and deserves more respect and more privileges. The fact that women are different from us men doesn't make them any lesser! I was taught by very liberal, ex-hippie parents that men are women are pretty much the same so as a young lad I treated them the same way and the results were disastrous. To get along with the opposite sex, you need to have an intuitive model of how they think, what they respond well to and what they actually want.

Sex/gender are not true binaries (join the 21st century and it's scientific knowledge about the potential abiguity of sex and gender in humans!), and people are unique. It is indeed sexist to insist that men are one way because of biology and women are another, whether you think that makes one superior and one inferior or not, because it denies the individuality and variation that exists in people, both men and women. There are tonnes of femme, queer-gendered, ambiguous, and agendered people who you would consider biologically male because of their chromosomes and sex organs (not to mention all the variations possible in THOSE outside the binary), just like there are tonnes of butch, queer-gendered, ambiguous, and agendered people you would label women. They all think and act differently because they are all individuals. Thinking in binaries and limited black-and-white terms when it comes to people will get you nowhere fast. When it comes to pretty much any aspect of the human species as a whole, there are always going to be many shades of grey. This is a good thing, despite some people's need to cling to outmoded binary ways of thinking about people.

Goodluck to you on that model thing you got going on. Guys have been trying to figure women out for years. The book "Men are from mars and women are from venus" does have some good information that could help you. I see a lot of people in my line of work (all ages) and what I'm finding are the younger generations (50 yrs on down) are all about the living together and most have had at least one divorce. The older generations are the ones that are still together with some being married 60+ yrs. They must have been doing something right because I sure don't see the younger generations staying married.

I had a wtf moment reading the title. It's just the same box with different gift wrap.

About half the people on the planet are female, and the other half male, with a few people of more complex gender identification in between.

Making sweeping generalizations about what amounts to half the population of the earth is not a good basis for a working hypothesis. The numbers are simply too large.

Don't listen to the PUA crap, they poison your brain with their negativity. Talk to someone who was married for a long time, they know something you don't.

I've heard about the gender spectrum, but it's closed set on the real line with 2 distinct endpoints and not an open interval. A lot of these genderqueer people have a model of the gender spectrum as 1-dimensional circle which is topologically incorrect.
No matter how many shades of grey there are, there will always be black and white that form the boundaries. I was born a male and my biological sex is clearly defined. I am also cis-gendered and straight. Since I have a Y chromosome I do not have a uterus which means I cannot have a baby! There are billions of other people in this world who have these particular things in common with me. And there are also a few billion people with 2 X chromosomes who have a uterus and thus are potentially capable of having a baby. That is how human beings are biologically created. Biology is sexist. So deal.

Intersexuality occurs 1 in 2000 births(which means they are 0.05% of the human population). The real point I'm making is that intersexuals are a tiny minority(much rarer than transsexuals where the sex of the brain is the opposite of that of the body)of the human population. The vast majority of modern humans fit neatly into the gender binary. I am not trying to dismiss sexual minorities but merely point out that they aren't relevant to this discussion because I'm talking exclusively about heterosexual relationships between men and women with clearly defined biological sex.

Well you're definitely not talking about me--although I am biologically female and heterosexual and have the capacity to bear children, I don't identify as very feminine and have zero interest in reproducing/child-rearing. Very little about how gender essentialists describe women and their behaviour applies to me and millions of other women like me. Once again, gender and sex are NOT binary, and the "outliers" are not as rare as you are making them out to be. Very few people I have known in my life fit neatly into a binary pattern, whether of gender or otherwise. Your inability to observe variation in humans will cost you in relationships until you learn to open your mind and realise that women are not essentially a monolith, we are not walking uteruses with our hormones/biology dictating our behaviour. If that is really how you see basically half of the human population, your future success with women is doubtful.