ASD - Married and in relationship: advice

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I know you posted the video--but i have not had a chance to watch it yet. I have had everyone at my house sick this week except me so my internet use has been a little here and there but i keep getting interrupted before i got your video watched. I will do so when i get a chance though!

No worries then.

Other thing I just found out that dyslexia is also influential with AS. The way I write or speak is judged. I have done speech and writing therapies few times. Though they never effective to me. I lost track of my capabilities over time and this gets me to redo kindergarten over again in terms of literacy and that.

Its commonly frustrating me, when my dyslexic traits confuses people with miscommunication or misinterpretations it depresses and pressures me from a standard of living.

Got a chance to watch your video. Your speech reminds me of a cousin of my husband, who is hearing impaired. She has now received a cochlear implant but her speech is still hard to understand at times.

It appears to me that signing may be your native language. I notice that with our cousin--because sign language is different in form than spoken language, her grammar etc., in speech is more typical of the form that sign language uses rather than a spoken and written language. Some words are omitted or several words grouped together. I took some very basic sign language in middle school and that was one of the things that i found interesting. I did not realize to that point how different sign language was from spoken language. I think that is where those ppl who are correcting your grammar and syntax on this thread are having difficulty--you have a language barrier not between English and another spoken language, but between spoken and sign language.

You have another layer of difficulty in communication with the AS and dyslexia too. And you are right, they are genetically connected. I have 3 children, one with dyslexia, one with Tourette Syndrome, and one with high functioning autism. We have dyslexia, autism, depression, and bipolar disorder diagnosed in both my and my husband's families; also some family members whom i suspect have Tourette's but as far as i know are not diagnosed. This is all genetically related although i don't think it is thoroughly studied in all aspects. There is just so much information to look at.

But I am thinking how to answer your original question--communication and relationships. I would stand by my earlier advice that it will take patience that pays off later. As a person who has always had my hearing, i have a hard time identifying with someone with major issues with hearing loss. I can identify with being misunderstood on the aspergers symptoms, but you have another layer of communication difficulty.

Do you have a hearing loss specialist to work with? Or someone who can help you with specific therapies for this type of communication? This might be a good place to start. I know that my husband's cousin participates in activities with the deaf community too. That is a source of joy for her because she is among people who can identify with her challenges as a hearing impaired person and that is a great encouragement to her. I think maybe your challenges are greater than what can be answered in one conversation thread.

But when the right person comes along for a relationship, i do think that you will have a mutual interest in taking the time to listen to and understand each other. Your best settings are going to be quieter places, i would think--i don't think a bar or noisy party would be a good place to bond with someone. But that is also typical to many of us with aspergers, aside from any hearing issues.

Best wishes to you.

What about KODAs? Kids of Deaf Adults, surely there must be lots of them in Oz (like here in the US). They sign, they speak, they're 100% used to folks who are Deaf/hard of hearing. That'd eliminate a ton of your communication issues!

Does your uni train sign language interpreters? Mine did and tons of them were KODAs. If not, do any nearby schools/colleges?

Why are you looking for only NT girls?

That is a great idea! I do think you would have an easier time in the deaf community. There are times when we are able to bridge culture and communication gaps.

But there are times when it is a breath of fresh air, so to speak, to be with those who understand our disability so that we don't have to explain endlessly or otherwise stress over a communication gap. That is why this forum is so popular for aspies--so many times i have read something on here and sighed with relief to know that others struggle with it too. In my mostly NT world, i find more communication difficulty than understanding.

I tried so hard to get along with AS girls here in Australia. Although the majority of them are gay, asexual and too emotionally immature. I don't want to sound rude about the emotionally immature part, but my point is they were never assertive in the communication. They always shut me off and don't listen to me. I have learned a lot about the aggressive-assertive-passive communication behaviour spectrum lately and I realised it the way they are. Same for AS guys when I try make friends with them, they kept bullying me.

NT girls do also fall into this category, but I doubt to stereotype someone about these warning labels. NT have better skills in communication, even still better than me. They willingly more to understand that behaviour spectrum skills.

I have made a lot of female NT friends this year, at the same time tried making friends with AS girls I kept getting pushed away. I approached same strategies for everyone, though unfortunately for AS finds me different. My female NT friends find me, as being AS guy, more friendlier than NT guys. I don't know how. Maybe that I have been seeing psychologist recently and I have learned lots of skills and stuff that make me being good about myself.

One day, if one AS girl likes me and finds me desirable. I don't mind asking her out.

I recall myself as 'oral deaf'. As in hard of hearing who speaks and listens.

I have just started getting involved with the local city deaf network. I don't know who they are yet, though there are a lot of activities are involved with them. I have lot of social circles now, so it can be overwhelming for me at times but I still need time for just being my own at home to reflect on who I am.

I have been taking speech and writing therapies before, about twice. My speech is the way it is. I may improve, but it will naturally improve as I being socially active and present myself in public speaking events. I think taking lessons on a basis is not worth it because it is a theoretical mechanism. Same for writing. I have two blogs.

How you can tell that someone who mutually likes me wouldn't care about my communication challenges?

I can tell this because, deep down in our souls, we are who we are--regardless of our challenges or outward appearance. Our challenges bring out the inner character of who we are.

For example: You may have communication challenges--you can work with them the best you can, and enjoy what life has to offer you; or you can look around at others who have different challenges and wish for their life. Your inner strength and resilience shows when you work to do the best you can with what you have.

I suffer from panic disorder and bouts of depression. Does it make life hard at times? Of course. But i can do the best i can, or i can look around me enviously at others. I may see areas of life where they appear to have it easier, but i wouldn't truly want to be someone else. A friend of mine says, "if we all could hang our troubles on the clothesline, and each person choose the ones they wanted--we would probably all choose our own." I may have my troubles, but all the other people around me have theirs too. There are some things worse than panic attacks and depression.

But yes, i am very sure that when you meet someone with whom you share mutual romantic interest, your communication difficulties will be workable. They are not who you are, deep down in your heart. And who you are, in your heart, is who she will be interested in. That i am sure of. It is your job to do the best you can with what you have and make sure you are a good person on the inside.

This is from the perspective of an 18-yrs-married lady. My husband has changed a lot over the years, but who he is, is still the same deep down in his heart. He is the man i am in love with. He has lost some of his vision, gained and lost weight, changed jobs...lots of changes. But these things brought out who he is and made me love him more with the years.

Its great to hear from you about this. I wish there are more women like you who understand about the person itself rather than judging by its cover. Although my female NT friends aren't judging me but they prefer staying single and celibate because of uni work load and they wanted to work on themselves before loving someone else. I find this rather good thing to be honest, because it helps them to understand things more while at the same time I learn to understand them.

I am sick of people going on dates, rebound relationships and casual hook ups. It wasting their times. Like my psychologist said to me, it doesn't help them to be mindful and enjoy being single. They won't have time to learn about themselves, thus emotionally immature.

I kinda like two girls at the moment. Both are beautiful and understanding but it a bit complicated. Both knows I like them. Though dating won't happen for time because of friendship desires.

Nah, they simply aren't interested in dating YOU. Dollars to donuts they meet a guy they really like and they're happy to date them three s finds later.



If you don't want to date casually or hookup, that's cool. If you're into casual sex and hooking up and casual dating that's also cool (since you totally would be, if some girl, any girl would be willing to go out with you... as you constantly moan).

The judgement, the high horse-ness against those doing the casual dating/hookup/casual sex thing? NOT COOL AT ALL. Seriously dude. It might also be turning off -- hypocrisy, you are a big fat hypocrite -- exactly the sort of girl you'd want to date.

(The loathing of other Aspies, particularly female ones, sure sounds like SELF-LOATHING. You hate yourself, you want NT, non-disabled girls only. You need to lecture other Aspies on communication skills when you're writing and speaking is hella hard to understand... in a manner you occasionally acknowledge but mostly insist is no biggie. While bitching nobody understands your ESL, dyslexic, utterly non-standard English).

Dating casually when you're in HS/college isn't a sign of "social immaturity" or a character flaw -- it's a way of practicing social skills, getting dating experience and, oh, a lot of fun for those who choose it (and cool if you don't; lots of ways to skin a cat). Dating someone for three months here, six months there isn't necessarily socially immature... it might just be that you're 16 or 19, you liked, you got to know, you didn't ultimately click with that person long-term. Nobody's evil in this kind of scenario.,

Apparently I did tried. I am very socially active person and I have learned a lot of communication methods and that. That why I am good with NT friends and that. They also taught me how to be assertive and that.

So what I noticed that aspies doesn't like being lectured. Like you recommended me to. They don't listen. They argue and bully me instead. I used to be like that to my NT friends and family for many years. Just until more recently, I realised that I wasn't happy with myself and that. Hence I started talking to my psychologists and opened up my disabilities to my friends and that. Since then, everything went great and I am enjoying my life.

Whether I have a girlfriend or not. I am fine. Though my goals is to have a girlfriend, because my values is on getting married and have my own family. I feel so happy.

Patience is a virtue. I too would recommend not doing the casual dating thing--it is a waste of time in my book. I see dating as heading toward one of two things--either a breakup down the road or marriage. Ok, i realize ppl don't all get married now as they mostly did when i was a kid--so either a break up or long-term committed relationship. It's gonna end in one or the other. Casual dating and hooking up are a waste of time if you look at it this way.

I am not being judgmental just because i recommend not doing the casual dating thing--i just see it as not working toward your goal if you are looking to be married and have a family someday. In a logical, aspie, black-and-white perspective, i can't see it any other way. Ecomatt, I think you are on the right track to be patient. There are times in life that it is better to not have family responsibilities--such as if you are finishing school, etc. A spouse and family will be seriously short-changed if your time and energy is taken by heavy responsibilities there--or your schooling will suffer because of taking care of family needs. So if these girls are in that stage, or you are, then it is better to wait.

And the bottom line is that you are happy...sounds good to me. Wait for the right one to come along or the time to be right. Sounds like you have common sense. All the best to you sir.

Nobody likes being lectured on social skills, Aspie or not. It's great that you're happy, not so great that you feel it necessary to put down others to prove how happy you supposedly are.

That is so true. Though the reason why I started listening to people's intentions on social and communication skills is that they are trying to improve me. That is common sense by assertive communication. Empathy approach too. What we need to look at the aspects of the person's attitudes before you make friends with.

I do understand that I need to work up my goals. Dating thing is very challenging for me to start with because I only get rejections. They want to build friendships. Lot of women I met want to be friends. I guess that is one of many ways to develop a long term relationship/marriage is based on friendships and see how it goes from there.

Like my sister married to her husband. They were friends from high school for a couple of years, then got into relationship for 7 years before they got married. So a relationship is like a building friendship. Now they have a little niece of 19 months old. This is inspiring for me.

I don't understand why some friends tell me if I like someone already, like early days I should ask her on a date? I am not sure what is right or wrong here, because its rushing?

There's no one, unequivocal right way to date. There's no right, no wrong, no formal definition of rushing.

My take is that if you're looking for a relationship, ask the girl out (and graciously accept a no if you get one).

In terms of the aspects and attitudes I look for in potential friends:

People I enjoy spending time with, without ulterior motives. A willingness to make female friends only as a vehicle for finding a girlfriend (i.e. not simply because you are looking for friends and happy to have female ones), strikes me as disingenuous. It is an ulterior motive and girls likely see right through you, if the former is the case.

Individuals who feel the need to tell me how to improve myself, on an unsolicited basis, as acquaintances are not ones I'm inclined to invest a ton of time in to become friends. I don't like to be lectured and it is obnoxious to feel the need to transform competent adults into *somebody else* before deigning to consider being friends with them. I don't wish to spent time being a pet project for Henry Higgins!

Individuals that "get" you are good candidates for befriending. If you are making videos on communication for them, telling them techniques for better comprehending you and chatting about communicating techniques so early on... they don't really get you and you should consider finding people that do. You're a smart, fun guy who deserve friends who get you and shouldn't need to work so damn hard just for *friends*. Go find individuals you are compatible with instead!