Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Being rejected when they find out your autistic

Page 2 of 4 [ 49 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

28 Dec 2015, 2:07 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
AR1500 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:

Don't you think autistic women get rejected by NT men all the time, too? It's not exclusive to autistic men, this negative stigma about autism. I wish you guys would stop saying stuff like this, it makes me as an autistic woman feel invisible and like my experiences are not real. Do you like to be made to feel invisible or have your experiences invalidated? I don't. It's not a nice feeling.


Well DUH! But from the ones I've talked to and the ones who posted ITF it's often not for the same reasons that autistic men are rejected. Because really wilburforce, men and women are different and especially when it comes to what things they want in a potential partner. Men in general are more willing to overlook personality and character defects while women are more willing to overlook physical defects. I don't know what you look like or how you dress but I do know NT women who feel invisible because most men don't find them attractive. But I also know some autistic women who get a lot of unwanted sexual interest from guys despite being introverted and shy. I'm not invalidating your experiences but I'm suggesting to you that the cause might not be something different than you believe.


I'm 100% positive that the majority of the rejection that I face is due to my autism. I feel like I'm talking to myself, and none of you are hearing me. It's so frustrating--I come to this forum for understanding, just like you guys do, but instead I get told that my feelings and experiences can't be real or like yours are because I'm female. It's BS, and it's frustrating and disappointing as f**k. Way to alienate the one group of people who might understand you guys. You are all shooting yourselves in the foot in regards to making real connections with other humans who might relate to you.


You'd probably have more luck gaining resonance from guys and girls alike if you actually went into detail about your experiences, possibly starting a thread on this forum. I know as a guy with autism, I understand how male autism works, and the problems linked to it much more than I understand female autism. If you want people to understand where you're coming from, you're going to have a much easier time if you tell people where you're coming from. Especially since I think it's safe to say that more guys frequent this thread than girls.

Maybe some guys will come in and still invalidate your experiences, I don't know. But I think people would be less inclined to do so if they understood what you've actually experienced.


If you know male autism, then you know female autism, because autism is autism, whatever genitals you have. I have spoken about my experiences a bit, but I have refrained from doing that more than I normally would because of the resistance I've gotten here when I do try to convey my experiences. Whenever I attempt to talk about what I've been through due to my autism, I get a bunch of dudes jumping into the conversation telling me I don't know what I'm talking about, so I give up.



AR1500
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 27 Oct 2015
Age: 40
Posts: 229
Location: Unknown

28 Dec 2015, 5:58 am

wilburforce wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
AR1500 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:

Don't you think autistic women get rejected by NT men all the time, too? It's not exclusive to autistic men, this negative stigma about autism. I wish you guys would stop saying stuff like this, it makes me as an autistic woman feel invisible and like my experiences are not real. Do you like to be made to feel invisible or have your experiences invalidated? I don't. It's not a nice feeling.


Well DUH! But from the ones I've talked to and the ones who posted ITF it's often not for the same reasons that autistic men are rejected. Because really wilburforce, men and women are different and especially when it comes to what things they want in a potential partner. Men in general are more willing to overlook personality and character defects while women are more willing to overlook physical defects. I don't know what you look like or how you dress but I do know NT women who feel invisible because most men don't find them attractive. But I also know some autistic women who get a lot of unwanted sexual interest from guys despite being introverted and shy. I'm not invalidating your experiences but I'm suggesting to you that the cause might not be something different than you believe.


I'm 100% positive that the majority of the rejection that I face is due to my autism. I feel like I'm talking to myself, and none of you are hearing me. It's so frustrating--I come to this forum for understanding, just like you guys do, but instead I get told that my feelings and experiences can't be real or like yours are because I'm female. It's BS, and it's frustrating and disappointing as f**k. Way to alienate the one group of people who might understand you guys. You are all shooting yourselves in the foot in regards to making real connections with other humans who might relate to you.


You'd probably have more luck gaining resonance from guys and girls alike if you actually went into detail about your experiences, possibly starting a thread on this forum. I know as a guy with autism, I understand how male autism works, and the problems linked to it much more than I understand female autism. If you want people to understand where you're coming from, you're going to have a much easier time if you tell people where you're coming from. Especially since I think it's safe to say that more guys frequent this thread than girls.

Maybe some guys will come in and still invalidate your experiences, I don't know. But I think people would be less inclined to do so if they understood what you've actually experienced.


If you know male autism, then you know female autism, because autism is autism, whatever genitals you have. I have spoken about my experiences a bit, but I have refrained from doing that more than I normally would because of the resistance I've gotten here when I do try to convey my experiences. Whenever I attempt to talk about what I've been through due to my autism, I get a bunch of dudes jumping into the conversation telling me I don't know what I'm talking about, so I give up.




Wait a sec........Your own experiences are your experiences. I'm not arguing with your that! But keep in mind that many autistic women here have said that autism affects them differently than it affects their male counterparts and there is plenty of clinical evidence nowadays to back this up. So my point is that your own experiences aren't universal to all, or even most autistic women.

But I am rather skeptical of your claim that women experience autism the same way that men do. Mental disorders affect the sexes differently and I don't see any evidence that autism is exempt from this.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,949
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

28 Dec 2015, 11:21 am

AR1500 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Nist498 wrote:
Given where he lives there may not be that many autistic women to date or even if there are, they may not be making themselves known. I'm in a similar situation where you can find any adult autistic support groups in my area so while it may be possible to have a relationship with such a woman, finding one close by can be nigh impossible.


Lots of people have relationships that at least begin online nowadays--especially long-distance relationships, which are increasing in popularity because of internet access and how much easier it is now to find like-minded people who don't necessarily live close to you geographically. There is no shortage of autistic women online, is what I'm saying. Why not start looking for them there? He obviously is willing to look for non-autistic women online to talk to, so maybe if rejection due to autism is an issue try people who are autistic themselves? It just seems like the most logical solution to me.



There may be no shortage of autistic women online but in fact there really IS a shortage of single autistic women on dating sites! I've run into a few on okcupid but all the ones in my area are in relationships and not interested in dating folks they meet there.


Then again it could be a lot of autistic women on dating sites don't state they have autism on the profile.


_________________
We won't go back.


Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,659
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

28 Dec 2015, 11:32 am

SectorStar wrote:
So I'm high functioning autistic. For the most part people that know say I don't seem any "different" to them than what they would refer to as a normal person or someone not on the spectrum, just my social skills probably aren't "normal" for someone my age. As I get older I know my chances of romance and relationships doesn't get better. Aside from a 2 year long distance relationship I have never had a girl friend. I live in a small city of a population of 20,000 so there isn't really a lot of places to go to where people my age can meet other people. I'm not really religious and got bored at church when I was forced to go as a kid, so I wouldn't meet someone there either, even if I wanted too my work hours wouldn't really allow me the time to go anyways. I also don't drink and don't see whats so great or fun about people getting drunk and puking their insides out for hours, so I avoid bars and that such.

I've mainly used the internet as a tool for meeting people. I have in rare occasions met friends that way that I'm still in contact with as friends years later, but nothing in terms of romance. Mostly because I get rejected the moment I bring up that I'm autistic. My friends tell me maybe I just shouldn't tell them, but if someone is gonna be that nasty and judgmental to a person all because they mention that they're different than other people, I'd rather weed them out in the beginning than waste my time, money, and gas going to see them. I have no place for people like that in my life, and trust me, just being me is hard enough most of the time.

I met a girl last year that seemed interested in me. Once I brought up I was autistic than it was almost as if I told her I had AIDS or something, because what went from texting for days turned into a "oh sorry, its not gonna work, we can't even be friends" so that was the end of her.

I had another girl who seemed fine with me till I mentioned it, than told me that she was "an expert" on autism because she helped her mom that worked in the field and said it wasn't gonna work because she wanted kids someday and didn't want anyone with bad genetics. Ok, first of all her and her mother are obviously both idiots and full of s***, and second how does she know her OWN genetics are perfect? For all she knows there could be something in her that causes a kid she has with anyone to be born with down syndrome or worse. In comparison to stuff like that, autism is pretty mild, not to mention theres plenty of people who can have children born autistic where neither of the parents had it or ran in their family.

I could go on about dozens more, but those two probably stand out the most to me. Theres just too much of a stigmata with autism because everyone that hears the word automatically thinks that means someone is mentally ret*d when theres different spectrums and levels of it.

At this point though, I've pretty much just lost interest in romance and dating for now. I've gotten to the point to where I feel like all the ones that probably would accept me at my age are pretty much all married off and have a family now. I can't stand going on dating sites anymore. The average girl close to my age give or take a few years all have 2-3 kids (usually with different fathers) no joke. Most of them have the ages of their kids posted, so if you do the math it means they had their first kid at like age 15 or 16 in some cases. It just disgusts and sickens me, and after a bad experience with trying to get close to a girl with a child, I'm in no hurry to try dating single mothers, if ever again.


When you start dating someone, just don't tell them that you're autistic until you know them well enough to trust them. Then they won't reject you simply for having a label. They didn't have a problem with you until you told them, right?



AR1500
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 27 Oct 2015
Age: 40
Posts: 229
Location: Unknown

28 Dec 2015, 12:43 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
AR1500 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Nist498 wrote:
Given where he lives there may not be that many autistic women to date or even if there are, they may not be making themselves known. I'm in a similar situation where you can find any adult autistic support groups in my area so while it may be possible to have a relationship with such a woman, finding one close by can be nigh impossible.


Lots of people have relationships that at least begin online nowadays--especially long-distance relationships, which are increasing in popularity because of internet access and how much easier it is now to find like-minded people who don't necessarily live close to you geographically. There is no shortage of autistic women online, is what I'm saying. Why not start looking for them there? He obviously is willing to look for non-autistic women online to talk to, so maybe if rejection due to autism is an issue try people who are autistic themselves? It just seems like the most logical solution to me.



There may be no shortage of autistic women online but in fact there really IS a shortage of single autistic women on dating sites! I've run into a few on okcupid but all the ones in my area are in relationships and not interested in dating folks they meet there.


Then again it could be a lot of autistic women on dating sites don't state they have autism on the profile.



That's certainly a possibility and there's no way I would know.



SectorStar
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 104
Location: Roseburg, Oregon

28 Dec 2015, 3:36 pm

Jono wrote:
[

When you start dating someone, just don't tell them that you're autistic until you know them well enough to trust them. Then they won't reject you simply for having a label. They didn't have a problem with you until you told them, right?


I never actually gotten to the point of "dating" someone. Usually:

1: I'm rejected on the spot before I can even bring it up to them because my appearance isn't to their liking.
2: They act interested in me, but say they don't wanna date. Weeks later I find out that a new boy friend moved in with them (had this happened twice to me actually.)

I think the last sentence of yours is pretty much why I don't bother with hiding it, the point that they had no problem with me till I told them is why I'm not willing to do that and waste my time. If they're a type of person that is that judgmental towards people like us from the get go, I refuse to give people like that in my life the time of day. Typically people like that that have issues with disabilities are usually pretty nasty and negative about other things that most people would probably see as "mean" or "hurtful" and theres no place for people like that in my life.



Peacesells
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Sep 2014
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,915
Location: Anzio, Italy

29 Dec 2015, 10:36 am

wilburforce wrote:
Way to alienate the one group of people who might understand you guys.

This from the woman who wanted to ban all guys from the women's discussion section.



wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

29 Dec 2015, 4:02 pm

Peacesells wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Way to alienate the one group of people who might understand you guys.

This from the woman who wanted to ban all guys from the women's discussion section.


I never said that. I said I wish more guys who participated in women's discussion would be more considerate of women with autism and their issues instead of trying to tell us how lucky we have it because we have vaginas and that makes life so much easier.



Peacesells
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Sep 2014
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,915
Location: Anzio, Italy

29 Dec 2015, 6:41 pm

wilburforce wrote:
I never said that.

You're right, I have mistaken you for some other user. I apologise for that.



CommanderKeen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,138

31 Dec 2015, 2:04 am

Just like men who have aspergers, women with aspergers tend to like "nerdy" things. So, look for women who are into video games and comics.



socalaspie
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 85

01 Jan 2016, 2:15 pm

If someone truly likes/loves/wants you this won't make a difference.

If someone wasn't really into you before, knowing that you have an ASD will be the excuse they use to ditch you.


_________________
Sometimes the easiest way is no way at all.


AspieOtaku
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,051
Location: San Jose

03 Jan 2016, 11:01 pm

CommanderKeen wrote:
Just like men who have aspergers, women with aspergers tend to like "nerdy" things. So, look for women who are into video games and comics.
Im considering going to the AFK lounge in San Jose after I move.http://word.afk.gg/ sadly it might mostly be a sausage fest but enough times i may encounter that rare elusive gamer nerdy girl. In the mean time I must continue to embark on my safari to search for such a rare creature.


_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? https://kissanime.to/AnimeList


dobyfm
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 291

04 Jan 2016, 6:48 am

If a woman rejects you because you are autistic then she is not the one for you nor is she worth your time. I hope you find a woman who likes you for you.

In response to what someone wrote above: Females with autism also get rejected. Especially the older we get, the harder it is to find a partner because men and women begin to consider looks and personality both equally important. I have had some guys tell me I am pretty, but that they find me strange and one called me boring. It hurt, but I told myself that I'm not boring and that I will find a guy who will find me interesting.



Mirta
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 30

09 Jan 2016, 2:29 pm

of course female aspies get rejected to! And it hurts us to.

Jono wrote:
When you start dating someone, just don't tell them that you're autistic until you know them well enough to trust them. Then they won't reject you simply for having a label. They didn't have a problem with you until you told them, right?


And when/how do you know that? When do yo tell them?

Actually that's my biggest fear about dating someone, I think. How/when to tell that I'm an aspie? I've never been interested in one night stands, so I look for a serious relationship. Therefore, when it happens, I will have to tell the guy about it. But I would fear so much that he would not want to continue with me...
Even when it's about friendship, non-romantic relationships, when I'm rejected because I'm "weird", since my weirndess is AS, I feel discriminated, like if I was rejected because I was black. To me it's the same.
Why would white people refuse to/couldn't accept black ones? Why would non-autistic people refuse to/couldn't accept autistic ones?
What did we do so horrible to be rejected? We don't have a terrible contagious disease, we're not monsters or what...

socalaspie wrote:
If someone truly likes/loves/wants you this won't make a difference.

If someone wasn't really into you before, knowing that you have an ASD will be the excuse they use to ditch you.


I hope it's true



xile123
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 28 Oct 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 495
Location: australia

09 Jan 2016, 4:11 pm

wilburforce wrote:
What about autistic women? Would you consider dating autistic women, so being rejected for being autistic wouldn't be an issue? You are aware that autistic women exist, right?


They are less than 1% of the world population though lol



wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

09 Jan 2016, 5:53 pm

xile123 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
What about autistic women? Would you consider dating autistic women, so being rejected for being autistic wouldn't be an issue? You are aware that autistic women exist, right?


They are less than 1% of the world population though lol


I think that number is low and that people on the spectrum actually make up a slightly higher percentage of the population than that, but when you include other kinds of neurodiversity (like ADHD, OCD, etc) those numbers get higher; and although you might not have exactly the same challenges, it might still be a more likely pool in which to search for a compatible partner with less chance of rejection simply for being different.