Need help understanding my husband

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If you think he's worth keeping, then insist on marital counseling.

If you think he's not worth keeping, then insist on a divorce.

Our marriage is definitely worth saving...but I need tools/suggestions on what I can specifically say and/or do to improve our situation. I know going to a counselor may help but what can I do to get us to this point...I need to not screw us up worse...what are some things AS men need to "see" the positives again, and not dwell on the negatives??

First step would be to stop blaming yourself. Try to realize that your relationship is still both people's responsibility & if he's made it this far in life, he is capable. And it's not that *you* are the cause of the problem; rather it is the mix of how the two of you react to things & each other that is making it harder to fix. But you have to know that he is going to be willing to put work into it, or nothing you do will make a difference long term, and you may even end up enabling him to avoid putting effort into your marriage if you overcompensate. He has to buy into the two of you working together & learning *how* to work together again. I don't see anything wrong with initially putting in more effort since someone has to initiate the change, but please do be really, really careful you don't over do it or forget to stop being the only one putting work into it when he gets back & gets a chance to calm down. You might as well use this accidental cooling off period to learn/figure out how he gets triggered & what calms him down. Nice thing about aspies is once we accept an idea, we start working on it somewhere in our heads 24/7. Despite having a not-green thumb, my spouse has learned to be quite the gardener, planting a little seed of an idea in my head and then watching it grow.

So...what are his triggers & how does he usually decompress/decompose when it's all too much?

I think it is a build up of everyday life that sets his shutdowns into motion. He has a very physical job and he has to deal with me, kids, and things around the house. He plays games online to destress (usually about 8 hours per day). I want to be supportive but I don't know what to do...he also just called to tell me his father just passed away( no emotions just facts about what happened) I have offered to come there but he told me to just take care of the family. Should I go there, or would that just piss him off?? I want to help him, not push him further away!! He says he does need me though....I would want him at my side through something like this!

My advice would be to do as he requested, take care of the family and give him the time and space to deal with whatever needs dealing with. That also gives *you* time to figure out what you want to do, and how to do it once he returns and is able to learn how to maintain your relationship (assuming that is all that's going on).