Aspie broke up with me...how do I get him back?

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That's true Jonathan. Great that you picked up on it!

Thanks for the compliment. I just do the best I can.

I’m going to respond to you point by point so you understand where things broke down because right now, you don’t. That’s why you don’t understand. Can you get back together? Hard to say. You would have to learn a lot about Asperger’s and I would start by getting that book, Asperger’s and Long Term Relationships because it’s easy to understand and all in layman’s terms. That woman has a successful relationship with an Aspie man and she’s a Technical Writer so she used that to explain what’s happening and how an NT can work with their partner to make it better. At the very least, it will help you to understand what happened to you and that is key – you need to understand.

First of all, we do have empathy but not in the way you do. He may not understand the feeling of losing a daughter, but he does see how it is affecting you. The main difference between Aspie and NT is that we often don’t show what we feel. You are used to seeing facial expressions, certain looks in the eyes and certain body language signals. Many of us don’t pick those up from NTs or only in limited ways so we don’t even know that we aren’t giving them back since we don’t see them to begin with. You see the problem. It’s hard to give what you don’t even know exists. Then there’s the fact that we’ve been made aware that we don’t do it and you do, but we still can’t see it so we only know we can’t see it and still don’t know what we should be doing. BIG problem when dealing with NTs. That is probably the number one communication problem in our relationships with NTs.

So you were looking for normal signs of empathy and he wasn’t giving them. In the Aspie world, just being there is our way of showing it. He was showing it, but it wasn’t in a way you understood. This would be hard enough under normal circumstances, but you were and are trying to deal with grief over your daughter. So just understand it and leave it at that. There might have been something you could have done to change it, but under those circumstances it would be very hard.






I’m going to stop you here again and try to explain what was probably going on. You say things were great while you were numb. Remember me telling you we don’t show outward signs like NTs do? When you were numb, you were in that same mode basically, just not for the same reasons. You two probably clicked better because you also were probably not showing emotional signs. You may have even felt better that he didn’t push you to cry or feel. That would be understandable since most of us don’t do that or do it in a limited way or only do that when we reach maximum capacity with sensory overload.

Speaking of overload, that’s what happened next most likely. You started going up and down, getting moodier, pushing him away and probably trying at times to pull him back and expecting outward emotional signs again. Now there are two problems. One is that he probably couldn’t show you those emotional and non-verbal signs you were looking for (we can do it over time if we learn it but sometimes it comes off stilted and awkward still). The other is that you were throwing off massive emotional energy yourself. Of course you were, you lost your daughter so any NT would do this. Perfectly normal for you. The only problem is that emotion in that manner for us is often like getting hit with a tidal wave (we all experience this to different degrees, I get tidal wave effect). If he’s like me (even somewhat), he probably experienced that, became overwhelmed and shut down. That’s when you felt he didn’t care. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, he was overwhelmed by his senses and he didn’t have anything left over. I went through this with my husband who I love to death and we had a horrible time because I was not there emotionally and he would go into what you did and I would shut down. I knew he needed me but I didn’t know what to do and I was so overwhelmed that I literally would feel like I couldn’t even talk. It was a disaster. So I can tell you from my own experience of loving someone very deeply that it wasn’t that I didn't care, it was literally my brain not handling emotional input correctly and going haywire. It’s something like seeing your car headed straight for another and saying in your mind, Turn! Turn!, but you are frozen and can’t do anything. He may indeed have had that feeling. It’s bad for both and I’m sorry you both went through this.




What you were experiencing again was a stage of grief and you reacted in a normal NT way. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just understand that what he takes in is not always the way you perceive it. His brain operates differently. Again, this will be easier for you to understand if you know it’s a brain difference and not that he didn’t care. You probably weren’t screaming, but his brain was probably receiving it that way. Signal goes in correctly and the brain amplifies it when it receives it and processes it. That really isn’t something that is going to go away and it will be inconsistent. That happens to many of us. He thinks you are yelling, you aren’t yelling and round and round we go. The only way to stop this in AS/NT relationships is to understand the brain and stop the emotional response so you both can understand this is what’s happening. That deflates the situation. You understand why he says that, he understands his brain is hearing something not right and you can adjust accordingly. Brains don’t do things based on emotion so don’t assign them emotional reasons. It’s very hard, especially when you are trying to deal with grief, but there it is. Unfortunately brains are what they are and they won’t change just because we want them to. At least now you can understand it wasn’t that he didn’t care or anything like that.







He was just hitting more emotional and sensory overload here, I’m pretty sure. That’s why he reacted so strangely. You got a taste of overload when you lost your daughter. We go through that with many things, strangely emotion seems to be one of them. We also tend to get lost in rules and routines sometimes. It’s like our brain gets stuck there and it actually gives us a sensation of pleasure to follow those rules and routines. That’s vastly different than what you experience. It actually takes someone telling us that we feel differently about this and the same with you. In both cases there is nothing in our experience to tell us otherwise. We both end up assuming the other one must just be stubborn or nuts. Neither one of you are (at least not about this), you are just different. Understanding that can help take the sting out of it.






You need to understand yourself that it isn’t just a typical anger thing. There is much more at work here and it has to do with fundamentals of the brain. If you ever get into another Aspie/NT relationship, that will be critical or you will end up right back here frustrated. You have to talk about and handle these issues differently because they stem from a different place – the differences in your brains. It’s good to recognize this because it takes the personal quality and the anger out of it. You didn’t know how to communicate around your brain differences is far different than you were just being mean to each other for your general amusement. Just like understanding that the way you behave when you lose a child is nothing like normal behavior. Try to see it in context and that will help.







This is probably true of his perceptions. The only reality we know is what our brain tells us just like you. This causes the problems and the reactions. Now you know the difference and hopefully he will come to understand it as well. One thing I can tell you is that he probably felt like he couldn’t help what was happening and yet he was being yelled at for things he couldn’t recognize and didn’t know how to change. We often do wonder why NTs keep doing stuff that sets us off because it’s obvious to us. Back to that communication breakdown thing. Just see it for what it is and don’t try to read it from an NT perspective. It will just confuse you more. He was frustrated and that’s why he said these things.





This is tough. Can he change his mind? Only he can answer. Right now, neither one of you needs to go back without understanding exactly why this has happened and developing strategies to fix it. He certainly won’t go for that from a logical perspective. It has zero chance of working unless you both understand why all of this happened and make a huge commitment to work on it.

I’m going to be blunt with you. It’s hard. My husband is extremely logical and rational. I only just found out about AS and we’ve been together almost 27 years. He logically waded his way through all of this and figured out what we later came to know through finding out about AS. That’s a pretty steep accomplishment considering I had absolutely no idea why he did the things he did and thought everyone was different but had no idea why. He’s just an analytical guy and he analyzed it until he figured it out. Then, we talked about it and figured out ways to deal with it. If he had gotten emotional on me, I probably would have done what this guy did to you. Frankly, I had done it to men before.

Still, 15 years into our marriage my husband went through every major stressor but one within two years and he lost it big time. I was not there for him in an outward emotional non-verbal sense. I ended up leaving and we worked it out but it was very tough and we worry that it may happen again. You can’t control the world around you and it will intrude, sometimes in big ways. We were very tight and it still almost ripped us apart, so I can understand how this happened to you…all too well in fact. I also understand very well why he probably just left like that. Personally, I felt like I could never be what my husband needed. I felt like I let him down and I would do it again. I walked away so he could find what he needed. Despite what he said, he may have done this. Then again, he may just have figured you two could never reach a common communication ground that didn’t set you both off. It is very hard and you need to understand that going in.

The rewards can be great if it’s right. My husband and I get along fantastically and we are closer than any other couples we know. We work. We also work at it. It’s right for us. You two? Only you can say and that’s if he will talk about it.

If you want to try, I would get the book, read it, come up with strategies, take it to him and attack it like a non-emotional strategy. Have him tell you where he reacts differently than the book's examples. Have him tell you what works for him instead of what worked for the author’s husband. Keep it rational and logical. Those things calm us. It’s just a brain thing again. We are calmed by something different than you are. Presenting a logical plan in a calm, logical fashion will calm him. If you want to try, that’s the way. That is the only thing that will give him any confidence that you have a chance. All the proclamations of love in the world won’t budge him now, so leave that out. At most, say it once. I love you the way you are, so this is what I did. Tell him what you found out. Show him what you come up with in the way of possible solutions. Ask for input. But once you say you love him up front, put your emotions in a box and put them away for now. They can’t help you with our brain.

So there you go. I can only tell you what I know. He’s going to have some differences and so are you. Whether you get him back or not, I would get that book for your own piece of mind. You’ve dealt with one loss already. You need to understand what happened here so it doesn’t push you over the edge. If nothing else, letting him know you understand will make him feel he isn’t crazy or persecuted. Sometimes just knowing that is all we need. That is also true for you.

Good luck.

Dear Zannie Marie,

I know that you are very busy and it appears that you have not posted for some time. I just came across your wonderful, insightful and thoughtful posts. Even if you do not reply to me, I would like for you to know how helpful your replies have been to me, I am taking it all in and learning much from you. Like one replier stated, I would rather take your advise than Dear Abby's. I was wondering, if you happen to see/read this if you would take a look at my recent posts (within past 4 months), and provide your insight, views, and advise to me. My posted are titled (1)Baffled by Aspie Man and (2) Do men with Asperger's Initiate Dates? Thank you in advance for your kindness.

This person hasn't posted on this forum since 2008. She's not likely to respond to you because of that.