Terrified of being in a relationship - aspie trait or me?

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I do - but how do I change his perception of me (unrealistically perfect - doomed from the start). I can never live up to the idea of me he has created in his head. Realistically, I cannot.
And even if he does adapt and starts liking me for me and not his idea of me. What if it doesn't work? What if I mess it all up and then he resents me even more?

As the relationship matures, he won't see you as so much of an "ideal." Let him have his fun LOL

Hopefully, as the relationship matures, he'll see the "real" parts of you while maintaining at least a bit of the "ideal" impression of you.

Going beyond merely the Mundane is what really makes relationships special, in my opinion.

Don't know maybe a letter/email, if not in person.

IMO, I would word it slightly differently.

As you are wording it, that might read as wanting him to improve your confidence, and of course he may feel you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Instead of sayign you will "never live up to". Say you "don't want to live up". That is more explicit and not a challenge.

Maybe say something along the lines of "I like you but it is moving too fast, and I don't want to have live up to some ideal. Please be patient with me. I may not offer the kind of relationship you expect. I'm unsure myself."

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 04 Mar 2016, 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You all have a point there. We'll see. I know that emotional stress leads to long term shutdowns so if it goes bad it goes very bad. But you're right, I'll see what the date next Saturday brings. If it feels right, ok - if not, I'll say so - in the words you provided .
Thanks again to all for taking the time to put things into perspective!

Does he know of your Asperger's? He needs to know what it is, and you've got to explain to him the traits and symptoms and what it will mean for the relationship from the start.

For now, just explain to him it means you find social interaction hard and it easily makes you feel mentally fatigued and exhausted, and that it requires your full effort and energy just to carry out your social life, even if you enjoy spending time with friends and family.

So tell him this means even if you enjoy spending time with him, it's too much time and you need some of that energy for work, but you're finding work harder because you're having less time to 'recharge'.

Tell him introverts usually experience this as well and need time to 'recharge' and solitude away from others.

Assure him that you are interested in him and want to get to know him more, but want to take things slowly.

Hopefully you can explain it in a way so that he understands.

Is he an introvert himself or an extravert?

If he's an introvert it might just be easier as they sometimes require 'recharge time' as well, just less than we do usually.

Pfff I'm going into complete shutdown just trying to figure this out. Had a cry-meltdown about it last night. Maybe I am not cut out for things of this nature... Guess I'm more strange/damaged than I previously thought.

Thanks again for the advice. It does help. Just a bit overwhelmed by it all (the situation, not the replies). / /

I think you need to find a balance of managing/dealing with your anxiety and living your own lifestyle.

I do think you do have an anxiety, that is worth addressing. I think that can improve.

The lifestyle you choose to live that is somewhat separate in this case. You can make a more stablising environment though custom lifestyle as I do. However I get the impression your anxiety is going to bother you anyway, so it is detrimental right now.

This guy may have to wait, as this is a general priority.

True that. I have structured my life to fit my needs. Academic career (love me some books and learning - and yes I purposefully formulated it that way and get the irony) - good people I trust 100% around me - nothing that could force me into emotional turmoil. I can even handle my mom's illness - most people would crumble in my place.

I am perfectly happy/ok 99% of the time. It's just the relationship-situation that completely throws me off. Probably anxiety linked to an event in the past. But digging through emotions is never a good idea with me. It's a huge pile of carefully packaged and tightly sealed boxes and who knows what would happen if I started digging though them. Probably an implosion / creation of a black hole . I want to change, this guy is worth it. But maybe this isn't the right time and it's not fair to him to drag him through the implosion / to me to potentially sabotage the completion of my PhD.

Ugh. Will call neurologist-psychiatrist Monday. I apologize for subjecting you all to my inability to even get myself!

You know, I'm very much terrified of being in a long-term relationship (LTR) too, only I'm male. I view all LTRs as being inherently boring, tedious, burdensome, fear-driven, ticking biological clock, and all-around unpleasant. (With the only redeeming parts being sex and a guaranteed date for events.) All of my past relationships had at least one of these characteristics, with the most recent one being the worst. I refer to it as "like carrying a suitcase without handles". Heck, I started a whole thread on that topic alone; it's still going strong at 9 pages, with more replies to come.

It sounds like your man friend (too soon to say "boyfriend", perhaps) has a more idyllic, purer view of LTRs than my own. So I don't know what to tell you. Other than, maybe, tell him that you're looking to be committed, and just want to hang out and have a good time together, which may or may not include sex. Then hope and pray that he doesn't start demanding an LTR. Or just politely end things, under the pretext of "irreconcilable differences" or something.

I can so relate!

It can happen to ANYONE who is not ready to settle down or who doesn't fully understand who he or she is or where he or she is going in life

BUT I disagree with some of these comments.

I think this is a SUPER autistic trait and I will tell you why:

Ask yourself how do you normally respond to big surprises?

How do you normally deal with uncertainty?

How do you deal with having continuous social pressure?

- Listening to a song you don't want to that jars your nerves?

- Sitting through 2 hours of a movie you don't want to watch?

- Having, by obligation, to share private thoughts and ideas you have decided aren't fit to be spoken? Or the exact opposite, having to bottle up others, because someone thinks it's not fit to be spoken?

- Having to suffer because of someone else's bad mood. Or having to be happy because someone is happy, even if you aren't on that frequency at the moment?

- being touched, tickled, penetrated when you are feeling completely uninterested at the moment?

- having to interpret hidden meanings and expectations that are not similar to yours?

- leaving your shell or obsessive interests when it's the best place to be at the time?

This is a relationship. Work, work and more work, especially on a social level. Disney always leaves that part out.

For some on the spectrum, we run because we subconsciously sense the immense pressure of others even though society has convinced us to aspire towards a romantic construct that even most Neuro-typicals cannot sustain.

Many of us subconsciously hate this! Why?because we are so preoccupied with our own needs.

Controversial statement warning:

Many autistic people dream of a relationship like on TV and in movies, but would be WAY HAPPIER just living with a good friend who they can have low pressure sex with and share hobbies with occasionally. Many autistic people are far happier with the black and white role expectations of a career than they are the quantum mechanics of romance and intense relationships.

After getting over the high of feeling normal, reality sets in quick. You have to start studying and learning your spouse and they expect you to translate anything weird about you that they can't truly understand.

As an autistic individual, you may be well aware that you have too much for the average person to translate Or you don't trust that you are confident in your ability to make sacrifices for that individual so the logical path is for you to cut them off.

Example: Like how to explain that though you like them, sometimes you just don't want to be touched, or pressured or bothered at all! Or explaining that you wish they could just read your mind because sometimes you truly are in it and they are interacting with a pseudo-self instead.

You know you are different so it will take a special individual to make you feel safe enough to take on all of that extra burden.

It's normal, but intensified because you are autistic. After all, many of us are just wired differently. More to worry and think about leads to more terminated relationships before they get too demanding.

At this moment you just aren't ready. Have fun. Experiment. Learn. And when the right person comes, you will be more ready. I do suggest that you find someone who can handle EVERYTHING about you, however. It takes time to discover if a guy or girl possesses this great trait so NEVER rush.

My new philosophy, lay it on thick early too. Nothing is worse than winning someone's heart, only for them to lose interest because they feel you didn't share the real you. Happened with my first boyfriend. We were together 6 years and I ran out of material for my "BOYFRIEND Self" 3 years into the relationship which caused me to go on LOOP mode ( can anyone here identify?).

One too many times of me not wanting to go out, or try new things, or bite my critical tongue led to our break up.

Now, my fiance is also autistic.

I thought being with another autistic person would help. After some time, I now realize a relationship is relationship no matter what. It's a choice to put someone else first even when you don't want to.

Even now in an autistic-autistic relationship, my fiance and I struggle to bridge the gap between our own experiences. The only saving grace? We are so used to being misunderstood in life that we try extra hard to understand each other or at least remain patient while trying to figure it out.

Essentially, He who can deal with odd fluctuations in sex drive, mood, attention, rituals, etc is the person you will be less miserable with. Autistic people do best with others who can micro manage us, or for the more functional, those who can get out of the way when we don't want to be slowed down.

If you are like me, sometimes you need both.
I go from being ret*d to being a genius in the blink of an eye sometimes. It's really creepy.

Thank you for verbally translating the chaos in my head!! !! That is it exactly! Yes. Yes to all of it...
And it is the rush of feeling normal that sucks you in. The desire to feel like everyone else. But I am not. I have to pretend about 12h per day at work. Then pay attention to certain traits with friends. The subconscious has funny ways of communicating but it's always right. My freakout is probably right. I'm not prepared for this and have more work to do before I'm even close...
And that's ok, right?

It's okay.

You seem like a smart woman who'd be nice for a guy.

I would say it would be better if you met a guy during the pursuit of your creative endeavors.

This raises the question: what reasonable aspie would want to be in a relationship in the first place? It's soul-killing! Especially for men, whose needs are often considered trivial by society. The rewards, which do exist, just aren't worth the mental destruction and the sacrifices a relationship puts a person through. Like the time my past girlfriend wanted to talk about "our feelings" while I was driving her! I later saw that advice in a women's article. It said: "Talk to a man about how he feels about the relationship while he's driving. He will be able to share his feelings better while he's doing something physical at the moment." I'm sure car insurance companies paid the magazine to print that, so they can provoke an accident (out of overboiling frustration) and raise the driver's premiums.

I cope by reading women's relationships magazines, like "Cosmo" et al. This way, I'll know what tricks and traps my next girlfriend will use on me, and either stop them preemptively or react to them "correctly". So far, there hasn't been a need. Looking over my shoulder while walking from the train station to the escort's hotel is as stressful as my recent "relationships" get. (Although the Red Bull I drink on the way over probably makes me jittery to begin with.) And the train ride back, where I'm sprawled across two seats like a potato sack and smiling like an idiot, just can't be beat.

If one is not ready for a relationship at 30, then he/she will never be ready.

I take it this was partially directed at me. What's keeping me away from my own relationships and makes me dismayed at my friends' relationships is garden-variety fear. All thanks to messages I've been force-fed my entire post-puberty life, by family, first-hand observations among family and friends, seeing how people date at school and college, magazine articles, books, and TV shows. No need to repeat which ones. At the same time, I have not gotten a single positive message about relationships, other than regurgitated platitudes about how "people are meant to pair-bond", along with Talmudic marriage and sexual laws, which are far, far from reassuring.

I don't agree with that concept.

I believe one is ready for a relationship when one is ready. It could be age 45 or whatever.