"You'll find love when you stop looking for it."

Post Reply New Topic

So the options are to stop being lonely or kill yourself? Fair enough.

Where exactly did you get that interpretation....I don't see where anyone suggested that.

Also not stop being lonely but to not dwell on it in such a way you feel you 'need' a S.O right now or else your life is over, it puts too much pressure on a person to think like that. Also though people can pick up on if someone is really interested in them, or if that person is just interested in the idea of a forever S.O with anyone who gives them the time of the day.

It's true that a relationship doesn't cure depression, but the idea that a depressed person has to "fix" their depression before being in a relationship is problematic. It causes more unnecessary despair and self-loathing. I'm sure you know from personal experience that depression isn't something that can always be fixed.

On an unrelated note, while not being in a relationship isn't necessarily cause for depression, emotional isolation can be. I sometimes get the sense females don't understand how hard it is for male to find truly close friends. It often seems like most guys are more interested in friendship for the sake of entertainment, which the depressed person simply can't provide. If you're depressed, you simply don't have the energy to be cracking jokes and telling funny stories. Also, guys don't seem to put in the effort to make friends feel like they belong.

While rushing into a relationship with a bad match can lead to a worse situation than being alone, it isn't really fair to disregard the damage chronic loneliness has on people. Oftentimes it's just as hard to find other means to alleviate loneliness as it is to find a relationship, especially if you're depressed and don't have the energy to be around rowdy groups of people in who don't seem to care in the slightest how you're feeling. When you're really down, just being in a harsh sensory environment in public is almost impossible. I don't really think this is how society should be, but unfortunately it is. I have thought of communal living situations where people are expected to be supportive (unlike in a normal roommate situation), but those are hard to get into (especially if you're on disability). It isn't easy to live with roommates if you're uncomfortable breaking down and crying in front of people you don't fully trust. It seems a lot of people just don't f*****g understand, even on this board, and it's maddening.

It just seems like the loneliness situation is a vicious trap that's hard to escape in our society. I don't really appreciate it when people on this board seem to dismiss the damage it causes, or think seeing a psychiatrist and getting pills to pop can fix what is really a societal disease. Maybe we are culturally sick. I'm bothered when people on this board (usually women), just outright dismiss the idea and say there's something wrong with guys who don't like being single. They don't consider there might be a reason, and that the reason isn't sexual lust or a feeling of entitlement. To get that thrown at you is just like being punched in the face. The real reason guys fall into the trap of longing and desperation is there aren't easy alternative ways to escaping loneliness.

I assume this means you'd at least have to start at some point though. I've never really started looking for it and have never found it.

I don't think you have to totally fix your depression or any other issue like that before you get in a relationship, more that you have to come to terms with the fact a relationship wont get rid of it so you still have to keep up on managing it. That is what I have to do...I mean I am on SSI for Aspergers and mental health issues, so I have to continue keeping up on therapy/treatments and coping skills to handle the difficulties of that rather than expecting that my boyfriend could fix it for me.

Also I've never really had any close friends, any friend I ever thought I was close to either screwed me over or me and them drifted apart for whatever reason...whether losing contact or whatever connection caused the friendship in the first place. I spent much my life with no friends, so I know very much about loneliness...it's part of why I've been desperate for a boyfriend in the past and also tolerated crappy behavior of guys I dated longer than I should have due to that(but if I go into all that I'll derail the thread), as well as being willing to jump into intimacy in an effort to satisfy them enough to not leave me.

The only reason I give the advice I have is because I've lived through this kind of thing, I cannot say my experience was the exact same as a lonely guy who never made close friends, but the no close friends, loneliness and feelings of desperation for a relationship are pretty familiar to me. However with finding a boyfriend it's different because guys seem to more commonly have the issue of a very hard time finding a women interested at all....and its more common for females to get sort of used for sex like played or led on. Its a different kind of loneliness when you're with someone who doesn't really care about you/isn't interested in much else than 'going back to their bedroom', it's maddening in itself. I mean maybe the idea that at least you get some time with another person sounds good, but just as female can't understand a guy struggling to so much as get a date, guys probably can't entirely really relate to being a naïve girl getting led on and feeling like an idiot for having developed feelings for some a**hole.

Just as you find it frusterating when people discount how bad lonliness can feel and how difficult it is, especially when it seems like no one will ever be intrested...its also frusterating when people imply females are lucky if they got laid even if they got led on/played which I have also seen on this forum. Males and females can have some different kinds of difficulties but it cannot be said one sex has it harder than the other across the board.

Also a lot of times when women come up its as autistic/aspergers women don't exist its all about NT's and what are described as what I picture as 'alpha' women...like the preppy girls who made fun of me all my years of school except older more intimidating adult versions. I mean It feels like even in the autistic community autistic females are undesirable/disregarded based on this forum a lot of times. I mean if everyone here could at least agree both males and females here are feeling misunderstood and attempt doing a better job listening to each other I think it would solve a lot of arguing here. I admit I can get defensive so I am not trying to be holier than thou, sometimes I need to just mellow out to.

That's just not true. I know what loneliness is, I know what it's like when a group makes it clear I'm not welcome.


You're the only one trying to disregard people's experience of loneliness.


You don't appreciate it when people have success with medication? Too bad.


Why does it always have to degenerate to male vs. female. This is so tiresome. Women feel lonely too, for goodness sake. No one is disregarding the experience.


No kidding. You're not the only one who's lonely.

But this going out and finding a girl/boyfriend is nonsense. It's not like picking apples. It just happens when it happens.

You need to put yourself out there and try to socialize with people but do not have the expectation that members of the opposite sex are going to date you.

But you clearly have an irked and dismissive attitude towards men here. There's noticeable a double standard in the way you address people.


See, this s**t is what gets me. NO I AM NOT. THAT IS ALL IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. THIS CONTEST ABOUT WHO HAS IT WORSE. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. ALL I'M ASKING IS WE TREAT PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING WITH RESPECT RATHER THAN CONDESCENSION. I DON'T CARE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.


No. I said exactly what I said. Medication doesn't solve all problems. Half the time it doesn't even work. I take medication. I know.


I see people talking about what great friends they have, as if everyone can easily get that, or everyone finds that to be enough.


I never said I was goddammit. I'm defending others, not myself.


Exactly what I'm talking about. This is a dismissive statement. It doesn't "just happen" for everyone. Most of the time it takes a lot of rejection and having your self-esteem dragged through the mud. If you don't try, nothing happens. Ever.

Last edited by marshall on 09 Mar 2016, 6:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I agree.


I respect that. We have a lot in common.


I've never had a problem with your advice. You always word things respectfully. It is other members I'm talking about who often don't word things respectfully and act like they are the only ones with a right to be sensitive or offended. I'm sorry if you got the idea I was talking about you. I responded to you but my mind went off on a tangent based on the topic. I was thinking about how other people respond. I respect you. We have a lot in common.


This is all true. At least you accept that guys have slightly different problems regarding dating, and that's what leads to their different perception (perhaps incorrectly thinking woman always have it easier - I know they don't). You at least understand that there are differences and the reason guys on here express the things they do isn't just because they are sexist and want to dismiss women's struggles. It seems like there are a lot of men and women on here that just can't empathize with what it's like to be on the other side. You are one of the few who can and aren't insensitive to anyone. It isn't a matter of who has it worse, it's more a matter of different struggles.


Yea. It's because men don't always get that it isn't "all that" to get laid, especially if they are extremely hung up on being a virgin. They just don't understand though. I don't think they're trying to be malicious towards females 99% of the time. Unfortunately some females respond as if guys are being intentionally malicious and they have to get malicious to get back at them.


Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly.

You can demonize me all you want, I'm still going to say what I think.


Well good, we agree on that.


And sometimes it does work. And sometimes it makes things bearable. Just because it helps some people doesn't take away from your experience. It sucks to be depressed.


I see that too; it's frustrating.


It is not dismissive. Love happens when it happens. You can't force it. There is no Field of Girlfriends. The way some people talk you'd think you could get one on Amazon.

What if the cause of your depression is feeling romantically inadequate?

If that's the cause, then one has to take steps to at least make the attempt to be romantically adequate.

Easier said than done, of course. But there should be some effort made.

It can't be forced, but it also doesn't just happen. Maybe it "just happens" for hyper-social NTs and a few extremely physically attractive people on the spectrum, but as a general rule... it just doesn't. The odds are mostly low. Especially if you're expected to do the approaching.

I'm a short man, a little less than 5 foot 5. And I'm no Adonis as far as looks are concerned. And I don't look like the type that women feel can carry them up a flight of stairs into bed.

Yet it did sort of "happen" for me a few times, with a slight bit of effort on my part.

I'm not saying my "method" is a panacea, and that it is the ultimate solution to the problem of romance, though.

Part of the reason is because I learned not to seem desperate. When I seemed desperate, I got NOWHERE. I was the recipient of lots of bitchy dismissals and "shoo-fly" types of phrases from women.

Definitely the best course of action.

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start though, and how to get things done. Especially if you don't have much money to spare.

That's not even taking into account the crippling feeling that may arise. The feeling that you may be fundamentally too flawed for anyone to love romantically. Without proof to contradict that, especially if you have mountains of evidence to support it, it's really hard to envision a future where you are valued romantically.

I would suggest trying to focus on something else. It may help to distract yourself. You can't make a girlfriend appear. Go on about your life. People live with depression for lots of reasons. You have to keep moving forward with positive actions.


I would say it's worse when your expected not to do the approaching, but again you're trying to draw me into to the man vs. woman battle.

The thing is that sometimes you don't ever find someone. It is a cultural myth that you do. You just have to learn to live with what you have.