Sick of being used

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Soooooo...she's not at fault for not being straight forward with him? I mean, I have female friends and I can tell the difference from when a woman is leading a guy on, or just trying to be a friend. It sounds like s he was leading him on and he got his hopes up. MAYBE she herself didn't know if she wanted to date him, maybe she wanted to keep him around to feel better about herself, MAYBE he was a backup if she couldn't find someone better in her eyes. All of these are very likely possibilities. You guys have to realize that he has aspergers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, as do you. However, since he does have aspergers, it's easier for him to get lead along. I used to be like that, but now I'm assertive to the point where I just ask women if they want to go out and if they say they just want to be friends, that's okay. If they bs around, like the girl he's talking about; I just don't worry about it and talk to someone else. Usually, if I stop talkign to them they won't even bother to ask how I'm doing. It doesn't sound like she is 100% innocent in this situation. I have gone through this time and time again. This is why I have so few female friends, because I call people out on their bs; both men and women. Odds are, she had good motivation for not given him a straight answer and I doubt it was because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. If that was the case, she could of said something like, "You're a great guy, but I don't see us dating. I still want to be your friend." That's straight forward and it is stated in the nicest way possible.

i agree with sweetleaf...OP states that her words were "I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but I want to be your friend."

the key part, is my bold of her line. she said rather clearly she just wants to be friends. unfortunately, OP focused on the first part of her statement leaving him open to getting hurt.
imo her words were a gentle letdown, she was being polite, she clearly valued his friendship and as later stated, she cried...this is not the actions of someone that's leading someone on...rather she sounds like she valued him, just not in the romantic sense...

just because the wording chosen didn't suit, does not mean there was malice in her intent, nor indeed, going by OP's outline of the situ, does she sound like she was subconsciously leading the OP on.

Platonic rejection hurts....sometimes as much as romantic rejection. I think the OP did what he had to do as it's better to be honest even though a persons feelings can get hurt right on the spot. Get the painful part over and done with and move on.

I didn't say she's not at fault at all, however I question just how malicious she was trying to be by not being more clear....I mean its not like she never mentioned her desire of just being friends, it's the reason why that could have created some confusion but she may have not known it would be.

Could be she really wasn't ready for a relationship and had no idea when she was ready for a relationship if she liked him that way or not, could be she was trying to turn him down gently. Either way it doesn't sound like she was exactly leading him on since he mentions that discussion of her not being ready for relationships but wanting to be his friend. She had no way to know the only reason for his continuing friendship was the hope she'd date him. He should have said right than and there after that conversation with her...that unless she knew for sure she wanted to be his girlfriend or date him when she became ready for dating he wanted nothing more to do with her.

I suppose maybe i need more details to get a better picture of what exactly all went on. But I certainly know it can be easier said than done to clearly communicate things when people want a solid concrete answer 'right now'...I mean I can't just help picturing when I was an adolecent/teen I might not have known what to say to a guy who expressed interest in me either especially if I wasn't sure about dating.

I could be wrong maybe she really was using him and leading him on, but so far reading this thread gives me the impression it was a girl who thought there really was a friendship with the OP outside of his interest in going out with her.

I just don't see it as dishonest to say 'I'm not ready for a relationship, but we should be friends' its not as if she said 'Whenever I become ready for a relationship then I'll go on a date with you or gave any real implication the being friends would turn into anything else. Seems more like she could have worded it a bit more clearly...either that or at that point even she herself wasn't sure how she'd feel about him whenever she did feel ready to date but I just don't see any willfull dishonesty.

Some men don't get the hint that a girl isn't interested in him to the point that she has to use "a made up boyfriend" — It's an invisible shield.

Only NT men. They cannot handle neurodiverse men.

You cannot be friends with somebody you have romantic interest for. That can go really wrong, and chances for a good outcome is minimal. It's particularly bad if it is one sided.

This is taken directly from a text conversation we had: "But I just want to let you know that I really meant what I said about wanting to be friends with you. You're a great guy- I'm just not looking for a relationship right now." Why the &^%$ couldn't she have simply said "You're a great guy - I'm just not romantically interested in you"? That would have made everything 100% clear.
From her message, I got the following message:
girl not ready to commit--->initiates friendship as interim relationship--->will come to conclude whether I'm a viable mate and tell me

I get the feeling that no matter what she said and what words she used, you would have gotten angry and told her off because she wasn't saying what you wanted her to say. Her not feeling attracted to you made you feel like you had a right to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad, which tells me that she is better off without a "friend" like you, and she probably doesn't think you're a great guy anymore for good reason. Way to treat someone who likes you as a person like s**t!

You're wrong - Her not feeling attracted to me and waiting 3 damn months to tell me directly made me feel like I had a right to hurt her.

Do you not get that feeling you have a right to hurt other people under any circumstances other than defending your life/safety because someone is attacking you is messed up? Going around emotionally hurting others because you feel slighted is how a toddler or a badly adjusted person like a bully behaves. Healthy adults learn better ways to deal with their feelings than just lashing out at people. She deserves better than how you treated her, she wanted to be your friend.

Uhmm, no. You shouldn't have agreed to a friendship if you wanted a relationship. A really bad decision of yours.

She was being nice to you. She was letting you down gently instead of directly saying she wasnt interested because being direct is more hurtful. If she treated you well as a friend think how she normally is. NTs are not direct to spare peoples feelings. She was trying to be nice to you and be a friend.

Dont turn on her because she was doing what is expected of her by other people. Like aspies do NTs have it thrown at them that they should be polite and indirect otherwise others reject THEM.

And I though Aspies were literal. She told you she didn't want a relationship (right now), and you misinterpreted it is as "I might want one with you later", when you should have interpreted it as "I don't want a relationship with you I'm only interested in you as a friend".

again, to me, that first line says all that you needed to know..."But I just want to let you know that I really meant what I said about wanting to be friends with you"
the moment the word "friends" is mentioned by the other party, after a declaration of romantic interest, game over. either move on...or stay friends but without any hidden agendas.

i think AR15000 is right, learn from this, draw a line under this, move on. don't invest in friendships unless you actually want them as friends. keep the romantic and the platonic separate.
and going forward, if ever there is confusion in your mind regards where you stand, ask direct questions that provide you with direct answers that satisfy.

i will add this tho. i'm in complete agreement with wilburforce...you didn't need to hurt her back...as understandable as it may be, that wasn't a nice thing to do to her. it was your call to invest an additional three months and she accepted that investment because she figured she'd already made her position clear (and that you understood).