What is "approaching"?

Post Reply New Topic

Futhermore, yes, I agree approaching is better when it is mutual.

This is the only time I would ever approach.

I don't want to approach unless I already now they're attracted to me back first.

However, if you're genuinely attracted to a male and want him to approach you, you've got to express your interest and show it.

I have heard some aspie women here say they were too shy to show signs that they were attracted to a male, etc.

Some males will only approach if it's mutual. So if you want him to approach, he has to know.

Anyway, I still stand by the fact there's not enough situations that are deemed 'appropriate' for trying to pick-up women.

Bars and nightclubs are usually full of people who want something more casual than an LTR.

Besides, would you be proud to tell your children you met your S.O. at a rundown, seedy nightclub in 'the hood'?

The only appropriate settings are bars and nightclubs (that both have signfiicant drawbacks, too many young people, too gritty, too LOUD, etc.), meet-up groups (which usually have on-again off-again members and inconsistent people), and school/university. That's if you're staying on-campus. Off campus? Good f*cking luck.

It's so hard to meet people in this world.

If it were up to me, the beach, the pool, public streets, the mall, the gym, cafes/restaurants, trains, buses, parks, etc. would all be appropriate settings.

I've heard from some millenials that are so desperate, they actually believe trying to meet someone at church is a good idea.

There's even an internet joke I've seen about trying to pick women up a funerals or weddings (and even a movie, the Wedding Crashers, that does just this).

So it's not just aspies that wish there were more places to meet new people.

what marvelous luck!

It's a niche thing here too. Not so long ago, most people met at dances, and it was a great way to meet for NDs too, especially those that were shy. That's because they usually had dances with partner switches, so if you liked somebody you could always get a dance even if you didn't dare to ask for a dance.

Even when I was teenager, it started to become common that people met at parties and such, and I simply never fitted in those environments. It was a lot of alcohol involved, which I suppose was required in order for people to dare to approach. Today it seems to be even more problematic when women generally are more afraid of strangers than they were before, and thus dislike being approached in public.



Yes, but you are neurodiverse. NT women typically won't do this.

My guess is that this is related to the increased anonymity in big cities, combined with knowledge about sexual assaults. It's probably a safety thing for most women.



Exactly. Those are usually horrible places for NDs. OTOH, I doubt that many ND women find such places good for finding a partner either.



It obviously matters because if there is no approaching, there will be no relationships. And the bars and nightclubs are mostly for sex and one-night-stands, and not for relationships, which basically leaves no useful places for people that want relationships other than online dating. I'd say the increase in online dating is caused by the lack of natural places IRL where you can meet a partner for a relationship. If these were more common, online dating would not be so popular.

That's true. Few males will approach a woman that shows no interest in him. That's why some ND women very seldom will be approached by males (they have a neutral look, and miss flirting signals), or the reverse (they unintentionally send interest signals).



I agree. In fact, these are places where I sometimes get into the eye-contact game with women, so at least those find such places acceptable to flirt with guys.

When I say mutual, I mean actually mutual, like one person isn't approaching the other. You happen to be near each other and you talk to each other. Like you could happen to be standing at the bar of a nightclub together, but I really mean more like you are doing an activity together like hanging out at a meetup group. The interaction is mutual, as opposed to out on the street where one person purposefully walks up to another to pursue them.

I'm pretty sure when a guy approaches me it is nearly always the type of mutual you are talking about...if I didn't give them "the look" or smile or some other signal, I would not expect them to come up to me, not even at a bar or club. That would be either incredibly brave, or arrogant, or rude, depending on the scenario.

To me, approaching is any attempt at all to stop being complete strangers to each other. It seems to be generally resented, because, if they didn't know you, it's most likely because they had no reason to. Strangers are meant to remain strangers, and those who don't want to are creepy and have to be fended off.

That's confusing, as it seems you're combining two different things.

Eyeing someone from across the room and both expressing mutual interest is not the same as two people being adjacent and near each other in a room.

Like it or not, in a large room if there is mutual eye contact and smile, the man will have to walk at least 3-10m to be close enough for conversation, which is what I would deem 'approaching'.

Even on a street, perhaps if two people aren't in a particular rush and it's mutual, one could approach, chat-up, and get the number of another.

I've been catcalled publicly and if I was interested back, it would have happened this exact way.

In fact, it's how my parent's met - my Dad, being a black teenage male, and you know what stereotypical black teen males can be like, catcalled my mother. He literally yelled someone along the lines of 'Hey! Come over here!' and chatted to her a bit before exchanging numbers...

"To me, approaching is any attempt at all to stop being complete strangers to each other. It seems to be generally resented, because, if they didn't know you, it's most likely because they had no reason to. Strangers are meant to remain strangers, and those who don't want to are creepy and have to be fended off."

Sad truth. We live in an anti-social society.

Of course, in the past when we were limited to smaller tribes, everyone knew one another and had connection.

Small towns generally imitate this.

Cities are just big anonymous systems where no one knows anyone and everyone simply uses other people for services/needs. Your entire purpose is to contribute to the cities workforce and give people what they need, and in return others with jobs give you what you need.

One has to make a conscious effort to join social groups and such.

Anyway, from a teenager perspective, it's difficult to meet people outside of school, and I am a high school graduate.

The teenagers here aren't very outgoing, and even the one's who are, are usually less than ideal people (usually the low-lifes out and about drinking, or doing drugs or street racing, because our crime rate is high here among youth due to being a f*cking boring place, and young men with nothing to do either pump themselves with substances or find thrills from cars, and the teen females are usually the snobby, shallow, uptight b*tchy types.)

My only way IS street approaching or mall approaching, and even that almost never happens.

It's far more common for adults, or younger children to be out doing things, rarely other teens.

Not that I particularly care for bars/nightclubs, but I would have to disagree on the idea that only hook-ups/one-night stands emerge from encounters in these places.

I've known plenty of people who have had long-term relationships with people whom they met at the above venues.

To some, going to a bar/club is almost a "rite of passage," and that one is "not doing anything" if one doesn't go to one of these places.

I don't subscribe to the above notion. I've never had any success in bars/clubs, primarily because I am a short man, speak softly, and don't hear too well in crowded places.

When there's a delay on a subway train, people like to grumble about the delay, and speculate as to the "real reason" behind the delay. In the past, I've been able to meet people through these sorts of conversations.

One time, I even had the gumption to write poems to women on the train. Most were flattered, some were irritated. No success in actually getting a date, though. Most people found it "fun," but did not want to take it further.

Ironically, sir, I find your generation to be far more 'liberal' than millenials of today.

The youth of today are so over-protective and rigid.

We have the highest levels of racial tolerance, highest levels of gender equality, and tolerance for homosexuality and such, yet we're one of the coldest and most stand-offish generation.

The sexual revolution of the '60s must have been a fun and liberating time, even if you were too young to experience it yourself, I'm sure you observed it.

Not just this, but even the '70s and '80s seem to have been quite a freaky time when people actually experimented a bit more with social norms than what we have today.

I find the claims that today is one of the most 'liberal' and 'free' generations an illusion. Conformity and gender roles and all that jazz are no less existant than previous generations.

Likewise, counter-culture is not a new concept.

I think you're right. People, these days, seem to be more suspicious of other people's intentions. But I don't believe many people WANT to be like that.

Your town is like many others in America. A dead-end scene. Brisbane will be more liberating, certainly. University: even more so. Universities are not like real life at all. Kids are finding themselves, and are not usually as suspicious of other people's intentions. Idealism is strong, too. This is especially true within liberal-arts majors. People are just freer in University, and are more open to friendships. Also, people have grown up a bit, and are not so prone to bullying people, and finding offense where no offense was meant.

I believe you just might achieve more success in a Uni setting.

And don't follow these social theories which you might see on the Internet. Women would get really turned-off should you mention them. Emphasize your music. Many women like nutrition, too, and athletic endeavors.

And never, never lecture on ideas, unless everybody is discussing them. Women frequently don't like somebody who seems like they will pounce on them for every little thing. Women see men who lecture as bossy people.

And being a "good mate" always works. A good buddy. Lighthearted. I see that sort of attitude in Australian youth. What was once called Fair Dinkum.

Sorry for being confusing, I was actually meaning to separate the two things. The first paragraph I was talking about what I call mutual, which does not involve anyone approaching, and the second paragraph I was talking about what you were calling mutual, which was mutual interest/signals but one person approaching. I was meant to be clearing up the distinction.

Even then, someone still has to initiate the dating, like asking them out. Otherwise, how on Earth would either of you know that the other is interested in having a relationship? That is still approaching.

Okay, so you think that when people use the term "approaching" on here that it extends to asking out?

I'm getting conflicting opinions on this so I guess if I respond to a post that uses the term, I'll have to clarify what they meant by it.

An "approach" could lead to someone asking another person out. It's up to the "pursuer" to determine whether he (or she, rarely) should ask.

Most of the time, a decent conversation, with a considerable amount of "smooth flow," is required in order for the "pursuer" to ask the "pursue-e" out.

I would say most "approaches" do not lead to asking another person out on the date. The most that frequently happens is that email address/phone numbers are exchanged.

that stuff just doesn't happen to me.