Looking for Marriage Advice I Can Actually Put to Use

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Wow, thanks for all the replies. Was just up too late last night and had work today... I'd like to respond to everyone here, so... here goes:

@arielhawksquill and @CB2, I did pick that book up on Amazon. Read through a few chapters now. A lot of it does fit, and one bit in particular kinda hit me today since it also came up in a discussion with my wife. A lot of times I tend to just mirror the emotions I'm perceiving in other people. This doesn't always work when you're trying to offer someone support, because they're looking to you to be the "strong" one. I guess I figure they're looking for someone to agree with them, so what better way to do that than to feel the same way they do. My wife and the author kinda put that in perspective for me and hearing it that way made a lot of sense as to why "just listening" works in that situation. I'm not one to go seeking emotional support, but I guess if I were that's the sort of support I'd look for.

@CB2, I'll admit I'm still terrified that I'm not going to be able to come up with the right things to put on my list, but if I actually commit to using a list, at least I can take real notes about these things instead of relying on "how I felt about it last time I tried ____ ". I realize I make a lot of excuses born of my own interpretations of things, and I can SAY that... but I still feel like a deer in the headlights when it comes time to actually come up with something to do again :/ Probably the biggest thing holding me back is just the fact that I have really, deeply hurt my wife with my dishonesty and disrespect to her with that girl in the past, but I don't know how one goes about making that right. I feel like I'm willing to turn my whole world upside-down to please her, but not if I'm risking that not being something that will actually please her. My fear of being wrong and having wasted resources on "just an attempt" holds me back from taking that chance to actually succeed.

I'm hopeful about using lists as a stepping stone, but I'm definitely still afraid. It sounds like you're a lot more willing to work with your husband than my wife is, but I really can't blame her. Years of this have absolutely taken their toll on her. She's an extremely strong woman to still be putting up with all this for my sake. You are absolutely entitled to credit for doing that yourself.

Advice for NT? I once told my wife that I wish I could just hand her my entire brain, all at once, so she could see it for what it is. This was WAY before any sort of notion of AS. I realize that the way people like us behave comes across as so hideously selfish sometimes, and we can see it when it's pointed out to us. Underneath that though... I can't say I know what it's like for someone without AS to love, but I definitely know I love my wife, more than anything. I feel like it's kind of poisonous to even suggest that for someone to hold on to that hope in a situation that constantly drains them of what it is they really need... For me it would be enough to know. Sadly, it IS enough for me to know my wife still does love me, behind all the rage and depression, she's still fighting to have ME, not divorce me and go find someone else to fill her needs.

I would really recommend investing emotionally in more than just your AS husband. I would hope that he can at least appreciate that you have deeper emotional needs and may need to seek auxiliary sources of it if he's unable to provide it himself. I really wish my wife had more of this going for her. It is morbidly depressing to look at the person you love SO much and realize that every day you make them feel like they are nothing to you.

@UnturnedStone - Yeah, I've been trying to use technology to my advantage, though emotions seem to be getting the better of me when it comes down to it. We end up having a fight or something, and I totally shut down. By the time we both have the free time, we're both too upset to do anything together. I think I've got some work to do in that arena first... but technology definitely is a welcomed tool.

@Grischa - Yeah, I suppose you're right. Though "kids" definitely are out of the question, happens to be something that drives her nuts when people ask her about... and one thing I can at least always be on her side about. Different level for sure, just not one we think we should be on :-X

@underwater - Definitely can relate to having felt guilty about those things. I'm still not happy about it, but I get it. I see where I DO excel, and I guess the mental trade-off kinda makes sense. It's encouraging to hear success from an aspie wife perspective as well. Thanks!

Here's a couple of ideas.

1. Learn to laugh at yourself - a lot. These things that you are uncomfortable about, the failures you've had at being more romantic - mock yourself and share a good laugh. It's very endearing when a man can laugh at himself.

2. And tell her you love her at least once a day, and four or five times doesn't hurt.

Hello everybody,
I'm going through my own marriage difficulties right now after 16 years of being together. The thing that resonates for me most deeply in this thread is how important it is to be honest in the sense of sharing what I am thinking and feeling with her. She always tell me to share my "processing" with her. Yet, like others here, I come up with some damn logical comment that just infuriates her further. Whoever said Aspies's don't lie wasn't counting the times that we leave out important information that would be uncomfortable to talk about. Will it make me look stupid? Will it be appropriate? Forget those things and forge bravely on with the honest sharing.
I love the list idea; keeping it current with things she likes and making the effort to do those things MORE OFTEN. Most important, no matter where it leads, is the honest sharing. For me, this is the hard effort that is called for now. Wish me luck. And thanks for your sharing.
ASHFAdude

Get yourself a PDA if you don't have one yet. Tablets can make a good PDA.
Use the calendar-function or download/install a good appointment-app.
Look back through all of your experiences throughout your relationship.
Try to recall the exact dates of when you and your wife had first experiences.
Keep track of that, put reminders into your calendar, repeating each year...

Things can be like for birthdays, the date of when you got married,
the date of when you both first went overseas together,
went to any particular new place together, participated in any holidays, etc.

Remembering these things takes effort, and if you use a tool to help you,
like a PDA, I assure you that your wife will find it very meaningful to her,
when you are able to re-create experiences that remind her of your firsts.
People remember most-strongly the last interaction they had with you.

Keep that in mind, and when interacting with your wife,
you actually do NOT need to "tell her" how you feel (not verbally),
just say something like "I will let you know on X day". Absolutely,
and I repeat, absolutely AVOID creating "negative experiences" for her.

You can be honest about NOT knowing how to describe your feelings.
Instead, just focus on putting efforts towards reminding her of when,
back in the day, you both shared various (NON-drama) firsts together.

You can try this advice for now until it becomes a comfortable routine.
Let me know if I need to re-analyse my advice after you try this out.

I just wanted to come back to this one. As I mentioned earlier, I don't have a diagnosis - it will take a long time to get to that point, and I might just be deluding myself, but I don't think so. If I am indeed aspie, then I belong in the hyperempathic group, which has its own set of strengths and weaknesses.

That said, I've been with my husband for 12 years now. God know's it's far from perfect. I am not sure it should be rated such a giant success, but then again few people live in a pink castle happily ever after. We still love each other, although frustrations are high on both sides.

I just wanted to say that there is a reason your wife picked you. Maybe she saw something in you that you yourself were not aware of. Maybe you can ask her what that was?

The reason my marriage is still alive is that I worked bloody hard on it. I never expected it to be easy. I've had so many fights with myself to stay attentive when I want to zone out. Executive function comes and goes. I've made it a habit to ask my husband how his day was, how he feels about things, asking if there is some way I can help him, etc.. Sometimes I ask because he seems tired or down, and sometimes it's perfectly random. Generally, people like to be asked how they feel by someone who actually cares.

Just don't feel fake when you do it. If it fails, ask your wife why. If it takes a week for you to figure out that it failed, never mind, ask your wife about it anyway. The world is full of people who don't make this kind of effort.

@Coggoid

I think you will do fine with your list, and whenever you choose to give presents to her. Don’t worry too much now – just start doing it, and if something needs improvement along the way, deal with it then. BTW, I can’t believe it, but my husband actually gave me something the other day! It was fantastic. He got me something I had put on my Amazon wish list, and when it arrived, he gave it to me ☺

About the girl in the past – my advice would be to find out why your wife still doesn’t trust you or why she hasn't forgiven you. I have a feeling that there is something deeper going on – that it’s not just this other girl. It might be that she doesn’t feel like you give her enough attention (the girl was a representation of that), and/or that she is hung up on her own insecurities.

I just reread the Journal of Best Practices to familiarize my self with it again. I feel like “Using your words” and “Going with the Flow” are very important. I also love that 1) he is able to look inside himself and figure out why he thinks certain ways 2) he takes a serious initiative to ask his wife for ways he can better himself (like his employee evaluations) and 3) he is always mindful of ways to improve himself by making the effort to write down tidbits and advice. He also doesn’t see the advice as criticism and get upset or offended. Just the fact that he’s showing that he’s trying makes a huge difference.

When you said that you’ve gone to your wife countless times asking her what you can do to make a difference in the marriage, and that she's answered it countless times – how exactly does she answer? What does she say? Is it only the initiative that she feels is the issue? Perhaps you can ask her to be more specific? To really break it down and spell it out for you – as silly as it may seem for her – because you need it. If she gets annoyed or upset because she has to spell it out, then she may need to ask herself why she won’t help you when you are sincerely and seriously wanting to make things better. Is she still hurt by something? Holding a grudge? Is she frustrated because she is stuck on the thought: “Ugh, he just doesn’t get it!”? If this is the case, she’ll have to try to look inside HERself and use HER words

When we figured out that my husband had Asperger’s (about 6 years into our marriage, and it has been about 6 years since), it took me a long time to sort through my thoughts and feelings about it. Perhaps your wife is having a difficult time with this process. Also, I have to admit that soon after the revelation, I was upset because I kinda did feel like I was duped; that he wasn’t the person he presented himself to be – even though my husband had no ill intentions. In the beginning of our relationship, he was on his best behavior, and he even said he knew there were certain things about him that he tried to keep under control or conceal. He did know that he was different somehow. We read Tony Attwood’s “Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome,” and it was extremely helpful! However while it was a relief to finally know why he was doing certain things, I couldn’t help but also feel a little trapped by the Asperger’s, because I thought that some of his idiosyncrasies were ingrained and going to be impossible to change. If she is feeling the same way, she might have a difficult time telling you this.

BTW your advice to an NT was so endearing. I which I could see your brain/my husband’s brain and know/understand/feel what was inside! Sometimes I wish we were telepathic! I guess this is where using words is helpful ☺


@Unturned Stone

Thank you so much for your advice as well. It was really touching to hear about your experiences, and I hope that I help my husband feel like he belongs and don’t make him feel like a lesser (I really think he’s a super human!).

My husband also has meltdowns in times of fatigue and frustration. He doesn’t slam doors, but he does have his own version of explosions. I have to say that even though I understand why he does it, it doesn't help my acceptance of it, because these moments are truly scary and terrifying, and sometimes I feel like he might as well hit me in the face. Unfortunately these explosions are damaging our relationship.

I am glad I could help. Perhaps it may help reassure you that I have never hit or hurt my fiancé (or anyone else for that matter). Personally, I have been physically abused in previous relationships and never lifted a finger towards them, even when provoked and in a meltdown (although I usually shutdown).