Ok, I think my gf has some issues. Please help.

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I think you should try this thought experiment. Pretend something traumatic had happened to her as a child, like her dad raped her, she grew up in war, or something else terrible. Now, think that every time she acts super irrationally, it was because she was having a flashback or something. Would you think differently of her than you do right now? Would you still want to be in the relationship and try to help her through her troubles? If the answer is no, then you shouldn't be in the relationship. If the answer is now 'yes, because her behavior makes sense now', you really need to re-evaluate yourself. Ultimately it doesn't actually matter the cause of her getting upset, the fact is that she is horribly upset and is looking to you for support. Either you can give that support or you can't. And yeah, BPD makes a lot of sense, and while therapy exists for it, it's hardly an exact science and often doesn't help and is about as bloody hard to stop a BPD meltdown as an ASD one I'm sure.

The fact that you haven't said anything about loving her though speaks volumes.

If you read things about BPD it's actually just as important that the people close to the person with BPD get therapy for how to interact with the person so that things work out properly. DBT is a good thing that I personally think everyone should learn in like, highschool. You need to be firm with her and set very strict boundaries and rules and then follow through on things. Like, if she calls you when you say you don't want to be disturbed some evening, tell her that you can't make the next date you guys had planned or something. And lay it all out beforehand you know. Yeah, she's emotionally developed as a child and her emotions overwhelm her.

I do care about my gf. I really do. But sometimes she can be downright exhausting, especially after I'm already burnt out from spending all day at work or something. Past trauma? I don't know about that. I know for a fact that her dad didn't abuse her. Both her parents are great and very Christian people. I do know that they lived in South Africa for many years though and moved to Canada when my gf was in her early to mid teens, and she has said she never wants to go back to South Africa despite still having family out there including a brother. Maybe something happened there that shook her up.

That said, as much as I'd love to be her white knight, I just don't know if I have it in me for that kind of support if past trauma is indeed the reason she is the way she is. I think I'd have to clone myself, but alas, I'm just one guy, and a slightly incompetent one at that who took forever to get a university degree, has yet to land a career and probably spends way too much time, money and resources on various forms of entertainment for my own good. If and when I finally do get a career going I fear I'll be even less of a white knight as I'll be otherwise occupied for the majority of my week.

Sounds about right. I consider myself a big kid in some respects, but she takes it to a whole other level and often falls short when it comes to actually having to be an adult. It's not a deal breaker by any means, but it has raised some concerns.

Sounds to me like you are actually describing my gf, so she must have this BPD. She's often less of her own thinker and at times looks to other people to make decisions for her, including her parents. However, on the flip side, if I say I'm busy and will talk later, she will often text or call me anyways. I don't know if I could use negative reinforcement in the way you describe though. It seems a tad meanspirited and/or like I'm on the road to becoming the legal guardian of a child who needs disciplining. While my gf can be childlike I'd rather not look at my relationship in that light. I at least like to believe she's more capable than even she believes. I mean, I'm an aspie but I decided long ago that I wouldn't let that stop me.

Well, I think the point I wanted to make was that I doubt it's 'manipulation' which i see as purposeful doing things to get what she wants. Rather, it seems like she emotionally gets so disturbed as to decide 'this is disturbing enough that I should be getting help for it'. But she can't just get it from you. She needs other supports in her life, and she probably needs to learn tools to help herself out too. You have ASD, she has BPD. Neither are fair but that's what was dealt. I would suggest to her she get therapy and you tell her that you can't be there as much as she's expecting. Not because you don't want to be but you can't emotionally/physically handle that.

Urgh this is like, my recent relationship flashbacks

That appears to be sound advice. I'm probably going to research BPD more too so I can get a good grasp on it, but that is the closest I've had to an accurate diagnosis. I did determine once that she has something called discalculia, but that's a secondary disorder that's usually associated with a primary one, and knowing that didn't really help me. I'm sure knowing a thing or two about BPD can help though. Thanks for the advice.

You're welcome, I hope it helps

Last edited by KateCoco on 06 Jun 2016, 1:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

As a bit of an update, things are going well again. It might be because we've seen each other quite a bit, but I don't feel any hesitation to carry on with my relationship at the moment. I haven't brought up anything to do with BPD, but maybe I will in the future, if I hit another rough patch. I'd say if we hit a rough patch, but it seems to be all on my end. Maybe I just need to let any feelings of doubt pass, as they undoubtedly do. Of course, this past rough patch was the longest yet, so here's hoping they don't keep getting longer. However, this past Saturday it was like every bit of doubt I had regarding my relationship was lifted. I know I've felt like that before, hence why I've been posting threads here every few months or so, but it's good to know those feelings aren't permanent.

I suppose I should work on identifying what causes them, and why, and how to deal with them as that can only make our relationship stronger, but right now I can confidently say I do love her. Maybe it is God's will for us to be together.

Argh! Things were going just fine again, until just now. I might have sprained my ankle, so I decided not to go to my usual Wednesday night young adult's church group. Of course that's one of the times I usually see my GF in a given week. Rather than ask if I'm ok, or saying she will pray for me, she just said it'll heal and I should go anyways. I said that I probably shouldn't go because I usually stay out late, and meanwhile it hurts to walk on my left ankle, so I decided to just take it easy tonight and maybe have my dad who is a paramedic look at it when he comes home.

Her response was that I'm not making her very happy. Well, whoop dee doo as my grandmother would say. Having a possibly sprained ankle is not fun, and you'd think my gf would be at least a little sympathetic. I'm sorry I inconvenienced her. /s I'm a little miffed at her right now.

Edit: NVM. She did call me back and ask how I was feeling. I guess I was wrong to doubt her....in my defense she did kind of come across as only caring that she was mildly inconvenienced and making a mountain out of a molehill out of that...

She's treating you like s**t.
Isolating you from your friends, depriving you of "alone time" is unacceptable. Her problems are not your responsibility. The fact that you're putting up with this crap, IS your responsibility. Fix that, right now.

Read up on emotional abuse, if you haven't already.
Don't let the condoms out of your sight, before or after use.
You WILL regret it if you don't dump her asap.

Well, since it was already said I have to second this. Sounds harsh but you are in complete denial: I know, I was too. My ex was crazy, but I shared the responsibility for not enforcing boundaries. If you can't get alone time, that's about as clear of a sign you are dealing with a Cluster B personality. Trust me, it does not get any better and yes, you WILL regret it.

She's probably not deliberately being abusive, but the end result is the same. This is abusive behavior and normal women do not act like this. I'm taking some alone time tonight and you know what my wife will say? "ok, see you when you get home".