Is it even possible for ASD + NT relationships to work?

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Bridgette77
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01 Jul 2016, 10:15 pm

:D

nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Probably because Aspie men aren't able to do emotional support well - according to Aspie books I've read. NT men also have problems in that area just not as much.


Possibly, but all Aspies are different, just as all NTs are different.
I've seen Aspie males that have/and show more emotion than 5 NT males put together. So, it's not always uniform.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2016, 10:16 pm

Jacoby wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Perhaps that's too broad of a generalization but I find it mostly be true, guys will go further and be more tolerant in looking for a partner than I think most women are. An AS guy is at distinct disadvantage when you take the male gender role, we basically fail at it. Saying that I think the advantages probably level out after age 30. There are a whole bunch of reasons why NT women hate us I guess.


What do you think they don't like (hate is a little strong) about Aspie men?


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nurseangela
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01 Jul 2016, 10:17 pm

Bridgette77 wrote:
:D
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Probably because Aspie men aren't able to do emotional support well - according to Aspie books I've read. NT men also have problems in that area just not as much.


Possibly, but all Aspies are different, just as all NTs are different.
I've seen Aspie males that have/and show more emotion than 5 NT males put together. So, it's not always uniform.


You have? What did they do to make you think so?


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Jacoby
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01 Jul 2016, 10:28 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Perhaps that's too broad of a generalization but I find it mostly be true, guys will go further and be more tolerant in looking for a partner than I think most women are. An AS guy is at distinct disadvantage when you take the male gender role, we basically fail at it. Saying that I think the advantages probably level out after age 30. There are a whole bunch of reasons why NT women hate us I guess.


What do you think they don't like (hate is a little strong) about Aspie men?


Well everything they already dislike about men probably applies; obviously we have a deficit in terms of a social network as well as materially when it comes to jobs/cars/houses/whatever.

I wouldn't call myself unemotional at all, the opposite honestly, I'm in my head 24/7 and I'm not just thinking about trains and ****. I detach myself so much when it comes to my thinking, I like thinkin about other people so I don't have to think about myself. It's a distraction and it works for a little while. I think I am very empathetic person to people I relate to and I think I can relate to most people on some level, I have a hard time expressing and advocating on my behalf but I am not callous or cold at all I don't think.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2016, 10:40 pm

Jacoby wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Perhaps that's too broad of a generalization but I find it mostly be true, guys will go further and be more tolerant in looking for a partner than I think most women are. An AS guy is at distinct disadvantage when you take the male gender role, we basically fail at it. Saying that I think the advantages probably level out after age 30. There are a whole bunch of reasons why NT women hate us I guess.


What do you think they don't like (hate is a little strong) about Aspie men?


Well everything they already dislike about men probably applies; obviously we have a deficit in terms of a social network as well as materially when it comes to jobs/cars/houses/whatever.

I wouldn't call myself unemotional at all, the opposite honestly, I'm in my head 24/7 and I'm not just thinking about trains and ****. I detach myself so much when it comes to my thinking, I like thinkin about other people so I don't have to think about myself. It's a distraction and it works for a little while. I think I am very empathetic person to people I relate to and I think I can relate to most people on some level, I have a hard time expressing and advocating on my behalf but I am not callous or cold at all I don't think.


So Aspie men know how to comfort women when they are emotional? I thought there was a lack of empathy in most Aspie men. Whenever I read problems from NT women about Aspie husbands the problem a lot of times is a lack of connection and not very good communication. Is that wrong?


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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


Bridgette77
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01 Jul 2016, 10:54 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
:D
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Probably because Aspie men aren't able to do emotional support well - according to Aspie books I've read. NT men also have problems in that area just not as much.


Possibly, but all Aspies are different, just as all NTs are different.
I've seen Aspie males that have/and show more emotion than 5 NT males put together. So, it's not always uniform.


You have? What did they do to make you think so?


First, I'll use my boyfriend as an example. At the slightest hint of there possibly being something wrong with me, he'll call to check on me, ask me if I'm okay, tell me he was worried, and things like that. He also get's concerned if I'm not well, and asks our pastor to pray for me, which is something he doesn't do for anyone normally. He asks me how I'm doing, and if I'm alright, and he is quite supportive. Also, my Nephew is a very caring and emotional young man also. The only area they both seem to struggle in is physical affection.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2016, 10:59 pm

Bridgette77 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
:D
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Probably because Aspie men aren't able to do emotional support well - according to Aspie books I've read. NT men also have problems in that area just not as much.


Possibly, but all Aspies are different, just as all NTs are different.
I've seen Aspie males that have/and show more emotion than 5 NT males put together. So, it's not always uniform.


You have? What did they do to make you think so?


First, I'll use my boyfriend as an example. At the slightest hint of there possibly being something wrong with me, he'll call to check on me, ask me if I'm okay, tell me he was worried, and things like that. He also get's concerned if I'm not well, and asks our pastor to pray for me, which is something he doesn't do for anyone normally. He asks me how I'm doing, and if I'm alright, and he is quite supportive. Also, my Nephew is a very caring and emotional young man also. The only area they both seem to struggle in is physical affection.


Really? Are they all diagnosed Aspie?

I'm confused because a lot of Aspie men say they never know what to say when someone is upset.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


Jacoby
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01 Jul 2016, 11:05 pm

I wouldn't say I know how exactly, I can't speak for everyone but I do my best. I think I can be a comforting person, I'm not totally blind to someone being upset about whatever and I think I have been there for people in times when they needed somebody. I am not great at expressing myself for myself but I feel I am better when I detach myself and help from that perspective than try to personalize it since it almost always hits close to home. On the flip side, I don't think any sane woman would sign up to deal with my bull**** problems so there probably is kind of some cognitive dissonance going on. I'm screwed up tho, more than most here it seems which is a depressing thought.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2016, 11:11 pm

Jacoby wrote:
I wouldn't say I know how exactly, I can't speak for everyone but I do my best. I think I can be a comforting person, I'm not totally blind to someone being upset about whatever and I think I have been there for people in times when they needed somebody. I am not great at expressing myself for myself but I feel I am better when I detach myself and help from that perspective than try to personalize it since it almost always hits close to home. On the flip side, I don't think any sane woman would sign up to deal with my bull**** problems so there probably is kind of some cognitive dissonance going on. I'm screwed up tho, more than most here it seems which is a depressing thought.


What problems do you have that you think are so bad, if I may ask?


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I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


mikeman7918
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01 Jul 2016, 11:26 pm

nurseangela wrote:
I'm confused because a lot of Aspie men say they never know what to say when someone is upset.

I can confirm this. When I was in something that sort of resembled a relationship the girl it was with sometimes vented a bit about a problem in her life and my response was something like "so do you need help with that or do you have it handled?". I now realize that I shouldn't have said that, although I have no idea what I should have said instead.


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Jacoby
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01 Jul 2016, 11:35 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I wouldn't say I know how exactly, I can't speak for everyone but I do my best. I think I can be a comforting person, I'm not totally blind to someone being upset about whatever and I think I have been there for people in times when they needed somebody. I am not great at expressing myself for myself but I feel I am better when I detach myself and help from that perspective than try to personalize it since it almost always hits close to home. On the flip side, I don't think any sane woman would sign up to deal with my bull**** problems so there probably is kind of some cognitive dissonance going on. I'm screwed up tho, more than most here it seems which is a depressing thought.


What problems do you have that you think are so bad, if I may ask?


Lets just say I'm not doing so well right now when it comes to anxiety and depression, it really is a disability all of it together. I try really hard, I haven't had a lot of opportunities in my life and I'm lucky for the few I do have since that's more than most people I knew had growing up. I think everybody wants to be in relationship, at least of some sort, versus being totally isolated and it's really hard to better yourself when you don't see any value in yourself to begin with.

Everybody says you have to like yourself for anybody else to like you which might be true but I can't help how I feel, I don't want to get into the specifics of my sh***y situation right now but 100% it would be better with a friend of some sort but after a certain age when you've lost your social capital it is very hard to get back. The people I knew were trash anyways, I feel sorry for them which is funny since they probably feel sorry for me but there weren't a lot of people making it out of the situation I came from. If I were NT, I think I most likely would be on drugs/selling drugs/in jail for drugs like 95% of the people I knew growing up.

I know you have to interesting, I know you have to bring things to the table, I just don't have it and I'm outcompeting anybody. I'm just trying to hold it together.



Bridgette77
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01 Jul 2016, 11:50 pm

nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
:D
nurseangela wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
some do, some don't

probably a better chance at making a NT relationship work if you are a girl


Why? Can you please explain where you arrived at this logic? :?


Probably because Aspie men aren't able to do emotional support well - according to Aspie books I've read. NT men also have problems in that area just not as much.


Possibly, but all Aspies are different, just as all NTs are different.
I've seen Aspie males that have/and show more emotion than 5 NT males put together. So, it's not always uniform.


You have? What did they do to make you think so?


First, I'll use my boyfriend as an example. At the slightest hint of there possibly being something wrong with me, he'll call to check on me, ask me if I'm okay, tell me he was worried, and things like that. He also get's concerned if I'm not well, and asks our pastor to pray for me, which is something he doesn't do for anyone normally. He asks me how I'm doing, and if I'm alright, and he is quite supportive. Also, my Nephew is a very caring and emotional young man also. The only area they both seem to struggle in is physical affection.


Really? Are they all diagnosed Aspie?

Yes, they are both Diagnosed Aspies. They also have quite a few other Aspie characteristics. Remember, not all Aspies are alike, and not all are going to share the same exact traits across the board.

I'm confused because a lot of Aspie men say they never know what to say when someone is upset.


A lot don't, but some do.



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03 Jul 2016, 4:19 am

I've found myself talking about myself for hours with a person supposedly listening. I've found they don't care about what you're going through or what you told them what you want and what your looking for. People are in it for themselves



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07 Jul 2016, 6:26 pm

I know there are plenty of ASD + NT relationships out there, but would an ASD + ASD relationship be any better, since both partners understand what issues the other faces? The few girls I've dated in my life have all been NT, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a girl who also has Asperger's Syndrome like me. Would she understand and accept my social problems better than any NT could?



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07 Jul 2016, 8:59 pm

saxgeek wrote:
I know there are plenty of ASD + NT relationships out there, but would an ASD + ASD relationship be any better, since both partners understand what issues the other faces? The few girls I've dated in my life have all been NT, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a girl who also has Asperger's Syndrome like me. Would she understand and accept my social problems better than any NT could?


I see yur point but I do wonder if sometimes it could be worse. Like if your both having a meltdown at the same time you might take it put on each other. It could double the problems ( although I'm sure this isn't always the case)



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08 Jul 2016, 1:58 pm

Maybe. I can't say I've ever taken it out on someone when having a meltdown. I normally knock down chairs or shake things. The first thing I try to do is get away from people because they often provoke me and make it worse.
I'm just tired of the NT way of beating around the bush and dropping hints instead of being direct. I'm tired of people telling "white lies" when there's no good reason. I'm tired of people interpreting my body language the wrong way. I'm tired of having to act NT to even survive in social situations. I'm tired of people calling me "strange" or "off" all the time.