Trying to understand my boyfriend with aspergers

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I can't speak for your boyfriend nor know what is going on in his brain but from my own experience. I need my alone time. I find it exhausting to be with someone all the time and having to do what they want to do and being forced to do things I don't enjoy because of the give and take.

Unfortunately, a lot of times, not in all cases, but in a lot of cases, a lot of Aspies do think it should be understood that they do love you. In their way of thinking, it shouldn't have to be revalidated time and time again. I think this is one of the Neurotipical things that mystifies them greatly... It's not going to occur to him to automatically do these things. You need to be direct and tell him what you need. However, that been said, there are going to be times, when he will need time to himself, because some do require that. Now, if he is taking more time for himself, than with you, perhaps he isn't going to be a good match for you. Sometimes, if he is absorbed in himself, he might need to be reeled back in. He's not going to automatically know when you need/want him to be there for you. So, tell him.

I think he's a good match for me. I don't necessarily mind him wanting his space. I don't care if he's on the computer while I'm over, I just like his presence. We need to work on communication, I don't really know how to communicate with him because I have no idea what he's thinking most of the time. I try, but I really don't. So I know it'll be a journey, I don't want to give up on him.

I think I need to learn how to communicate with him better because I didn't even see this stint of alone time coming and usually I can tell when he starts to want to be alone, and I back off a little bit. But I thought he was fine.

I haven't seen him for a significant amount of time in a week, which sucks but like I'll live. The other day I was with him for a few minutes and he told me he was using this time alone to get his life on track. He's going through s**t, and he doesn't want me around while he figures it out. Now I can accept this, but I don't get it. I really don't, I'm normally very empathetic but it's hard for me to understand why someone would want to suffer all alone, when he knows I'd go to the ends of the earth to help him. And to me, when I'm sad I turn to him. I find comfort in him just holding me and saying nothing, and I want to do this for him. I want to provide the same type of support I seek, and it's hard for me to accept that he doesn't want that.

Can you miss someone you love and are in a happy relationship with but still want to be away from them?

Ahhh it's a tough one. After a year of a close friendship with my Aspie man I have learnt . . . .. His need to have down time is nothing personal or in a way connected to me 90% of the time (the other 10% is caused by me pushing him too hard)
Get on and enjoy your life during these times. You will just go around and around in circles otherwise worrying and trying to understand. My chap needs downtime after a really hectic weekend. I get that. I have had a good morning text, an I'm thinking of you text and a good night text today. That is his way of showing me he cares, despite his need to shut down for a while he still sends me his regular daily texts, it just does not progress into conversation. In the meantime I have caught up with a friend, popped around to see my brother and had a lovely walk on the beach with my dog.
3. He is very sensitive to perceived criticism. So when I need emotional reassurance I always explain that it is just my quirky need rather than anything he has done wrong.
4. He never intends to hurt me.
5. When he turns back up refreshed he will be the funniest cleverest most delightful human I could wish to meet.
I think I'm beginning to understand that the need to get things "right and perfect" is immense. So if they feel they are failing you is by you keep telling that they are making you sad or unhappy, the pressure become,s immense, and they often feel they are genuinely doing you a favour by ceasing the relationship. They feel they cannot do,what is needed to make you happy.
I hope this helps a bit - I don't pretend to have this thing sorted by any means but it is getting easier as time goes on ( not famous last words . . . .i hope)
Also my way is to just treat my Aspie friend in the same way as any other person I care for deeply. So I buy him presents, I run around doing errands and chores to make his life easier, I make sure I pack is a lovely picnic for our days out. I arranges all tickets and timetables. He appreciates this lots, and tells me many times, but does not necessarily mean that he reciprocates in a similar way . . . . .but that's fine. He has other means of showing he cares . . .. . .

Listen to Anngables and Bridgette. They have firsthand knowledge and have learned from their experiences. I didn't understand, until, I began to read many posts here, recently, and had already ruined the most special friendship of my life. There is no chance for me, again, and I will miss my friend, forever. If you still have a chance, and you want your relationship to continue, you must read and absorb the things that Anngables and Bridgett have shared with you. This is, sincerely, all you will need to know. You don't have to personalize anything. Don't let him go, as I assure you, the loss of an Aspie friend is profound.

Hi. I'll try to respond from my point of view. I'm in a gay relationship so I don't know if it'll be different in your situation. I do like to spend a lot of time on the computer. It feels like a safe place. Somewhere I can feel comfortable and can be in control. It also has very few distractions so my mind can concentrate on it and that is my focus. Most of the time, my mind is racing with various thoughts I cannot control. Playing videos games means my mind is 100% focused on the game and it's relaxes my mind. As for the disappearing thing. My partner does go home sometimes which is quite a relief for me. Its extremely difficult and tiring keeping up with the effort to spend time with him, ensuring I'm there for him and acting like a proper boyfriend. It's good to be on my own for a while so I can forget about doing that. I'm not sure for an NT person, but for myself, the effort of someone being there with me, even though I love that person, is very tiring. What an NT person may find easy is to spend time with their partner, share their interests etc...but I think for an autistic person, it may be more difficult as they have to make the effort to consciously force themselves to act like a proper boyfriend/girlfriend. I know I get very frustrated if I'm not allowed to spend time on the computer. If I make plans to spend time playing video games and something happens, for example, my partner invites me out, it throws me out a bit and it feels like I panic. I try to tell my partner about my feelings but even I don't know how to describe them which is frustrating so it's easier to try and avoid the situation where I may have to explain how I feel.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling but I was trying to find a parallel between your question and my own situation in order to answer your question

Much love and hugs. My heart breaks for you Britte. I'm still here when you need an ear, and to the OP, she is right, if there's any chance, work it out, because that loss would be profound, that of which I am sure. Just make sure you can handle his need for space, times of distance, and things like this, because they may not change. One huge mistake a lot of women will make, and you definitely do not want to make this one with an Aspie, is thinking you can change him. That, is a big No No, under any circumstance, but especially here!

Thank you everyone for your advice. I really appreciate all the different viewpoints. I'm just going to have to learn to respect this alone time and empathize a little bit more about the computer. I know that I can't change him, and honestly I don't want to. I love him how he is regardless.

Yesterday I was at his house to see his roommate and he ended up laying with me for hours and inviting me over later this week. So it seems he did just need to recharge.