Should I "fix myself" before looking for love?

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ferox
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30 Dec 2016, 4:04 pm

NO. If you're not the person you want to be, waiting until you've become that person to try to find happiness is not going to bring that happiness to you, it's just going to keep you stagnant and miserable because nothing is going to change. Going after the things you want, including a romantic relationship, is what is going to help you grow as a person.

Sweetleaf
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30 Dec 2016, 4:33 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:

Your partner probably won't fix herself before or after you commence a relationship with her so why should you fix yourself?

I don't really see how that would be a good approach to a relationship, especially if you want a healthy relationship.

I certainly don't think one should have to fix every single issue/problem they have regardless of how minor to get a relationship, but the opposite extreme of just giving up on everything else once your in a relationship wouldn't be any better.

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Lockeye
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30 Dec 2016, 8:08 pm

LimboMan wrote:

I do seek my first relationship and I really do wish to have a partner, but I can't help but be conscious how many problems I have. I have a lot of social anxiety, I suffer from extreme mood changes which make me do rash things, I get very paranoid and there is so many other things I struggle with that I fear I would get in the way, or be an inconvenience to somebody else. But I've been saying for years I will try fix myself but feel its not getting any better. I'm a very sensitive person and I don't have a job (but a student) and I don't have very many friends as I enjoy pursuing my interests by myself. But I want to experience the world with someone else quite frankly. But I don't know if I should work on myself and low self esteem more, or if I should forget about it.
Any advice on what would be a good thing to do? I am inside the house quite a lot so this probably dosen't help finding a partner does it :roll:

You might be surprised that there are many people out there who are single thinking the same thing, and there are those who feel (or others may feel) need 'fixing', but there are many in relationships or are actively seeking who fall into that category. Sometimes you end up 'working on yourself' more (growing) if you take that leap, because change will happen when you start looking for a relationship or are in one too.

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RetroGamer87
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02 Jan 2017, 4:21 am

Sweetleaf wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

Your partner probably won't fix herself before or after you commence a relationship with her so why should you fix yourself?

Not once you're in a relationship, before you're in a relationship.

Ok I'll admit I was just bitter about my ex's refusal to help herself with her own depression. I tried to help her but such efforts are in vain if she won't help herself. Having lived with depression myself I know that it's totally impossible for someone to cure your depression for you if you don't make any kind of effort yourself.

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underwater
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02 Jan 2017, 4:29 am

There are things in life you can control, and things that are outside your control.

Having a relationship is something that involves two people making a decision to be together, which means you are not in control of it. Also, you have to first meet that other person.

Making your life better and happier is something you can always work on. You don't have perfect control over everything in life, but slowly, over time, you can change certain habits, one at a time. There will be both setbacks and periods where things will flow more smoothly.

It seems you are already doing well in that regard, with challenging your assumptions. If you pace yourself and focus on one thing a a time, it is possible to make changes that make you happier.

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