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Relatives trying to pair you up

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AngelRho
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26 Dec 2016, 9:57 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:
"Needless to say, it didn't convince me to accept their offer to match me. Because: (1) the word "feel" is the bane of aspies' existence, because of how meaningless it is, (2) that statement clinches the fact that they view me as just marriage fodder, rather than a person in my own right, and (3) do they expect the "feelings" to magically appear?"

It's funny that you mention "feelings" because I got that one too, and even as an NT, that made no sense to me either.

You know why? It's because no matter how hot and heavy as a couple you start out, at some point you have to return to normal life.

Whatthefreakyoutalkinbout??? I've been married over 10 years and still on my honeymoon!! ! :lol:



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26 Dec 2016, 10:12 pm

My parents were set up by a mural friend & they've been together ever sense. I would of loved to have been paired up because I had almost no luck but bad trying to get a girlfriend on my own. The closest I got to being paired up was older people that weren't relatives telling me how they wished their daughters or granddaughters would be interested in going out with someone like me.


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AngelRho
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26 Dec 2016, 10:21 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Luhluhluh wrote:
You know why? It's because no matter how hot and heavy as a couple you start out, at some point you have to return to normal life. You can't spend your whole life in the bedroom - the bills still need to be paid, the toilet needs to be cleaned, and the yard work done.

In other words, eventually feelings (whatever they are to you) FADE to the background, and you're left with normal life. And it makes sense to be paired up with someone who is most like you in terms of interests, humor, etc.
I think my family was referring to LTR-type feelings, rather than "new love"-type feelings---while still expecting the former to happen at first sight. In which case, my own passions and interests, not "feelings", were supposed to fade into the background and become irrelevant. Nothing was said about my SO's passions and interests. So yeah, if that's how my family imagines my future relationships to be, I want no part of those.

This whole bedroom/reality dichotomy reminds me of a joke.
A newlywed couple rented a room in a bed and breakfast for a few days. The spent the whole night there, then the next day, then another night, then another day. By the second evening, the lady of the house said:
"Come downstairs, you lovebirds. I made pot roast and cornbread."
"We don't need food. We feed on the fruits of love."
"If so, don't throw the peels out the window. My chickens keep trying to eat them."

Good one!

Hey, some relationships just aren't for everyone.

As far as your interests go, you do better in life by making those secondary, anyway. Your goal, ideally, is to find someone who wants to support you and your interests while you foster hers. You have to look at it as being on the same team fighting for a mutually beneficial cause. Your self-interests stop being special interest or hobbies and become a means to an end. I still have a blast making music, don't get me wrong. But it stopped being just something fun to do when I left high school. Now making music is about providing for a family and maintaining the emergency fund.

If your partner can't come first and foremost above all else and be the reason for everything, you don't need to have a partner. I see NO shame in that, btw. If you can't handle a relationship, that is your business and no one should judge you for that. I do think societal and familial pressures to be in relationships contrary to your wishes and values are unfair.

It's not for the faint of heart. It's scary as hell. But man, aw MAN it's a wild riiiiiiide!! !! !



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27 Dec 2016, 12:43 am

AngelRho wrote:
As far as your interests go, you do better in life by making those secondary, anyway. Your goal, ideally, is to find someone who wants to support you and your interests while you foster hers. You have to look at it as being on the same team fighting for a mutually beneficial cause. Your self-interests stop being special interest or hobbies and become a means to an end. I still have a blast making music, don't get me wrong. But it stopped being just something fun to do when I left high school. Now making music is about providing for a family and maintaining the emergency fund.
I, honestly, had trouble following this paragraph. But from what I actually understood, it sounds like you're telling me to abandon my interests in favor of my SO's emotional whims. Not on my watch! Anyone who wants me to abandon my interests will have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.



AngelRho
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27 Dec 2016, 1:08 am

Aspie1 wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
As far as your interests go, you do better in life by making those secondary, anyway. Your goal, ideally, is to find someone who wants to support you and your interests while you foster hers. You have to look at it as being on the same team fighting for a mutually beneficial cause. Your self-interests stop being special interest or hobbies and become a means to an end. I still have a blast making music, don't get me wrong. But it stopped being just something fun to do when I left high school. Now making music is about providing for a family and maintaining the emergency fund.
I, honestly, had trouble following this paragraph. But from what I actually understood, it sounds like you're telling me to abandon my interests in favor of my SO's emotional whims. Not on my watch! Anyone who wants me to abandon my interests will have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Hey, I can't tell you what to do. If you value those things more than a SO, you're better off single. If you value your SO more, then your priorities change. It's not that you abandon them. For me, it went from being a life-saving obsession to a livelihood. She is more important. She is WHY I do anything. The other stuff didn't get abandoned. Just repurposed. And now we BOTH get what we want. She gets a SO who contributes to the family, I get to play music all day long. It's win-win.

But, honestly, the more you put people first, the more you get to do what you like. It doesn't seem logical, but you accomplish more the more you get other people involved in what you do.



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Dec 2016, 2:38 am

hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.



Look hurtloam, it's quite simple really:

Generally speaking, alph***cough***- I mean independent and financially stable men are snatched first, and they are desired by both independent and financially stable women like you and by non-independent women - so these men are snatched first earlier, while bet*cough* , I mean non-independent men, are not desired by both types of women.

On the other hand, many independent men have no problem at all to date non-independent/jobless women because...you know, the housewife/gf occupation is still largely socially acceptable.

So not only you were competing against independent women on these independent men (and now what's left of them after 30), but you were competing against virtually all women on them, even women younger than these guys....so that's why these men around your age are much fewer now compared to non-independent men.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Dec 2016, 3:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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27 Dec 2016, 2:55 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.



Look hurtloam, it's quite simple really:

Generally speaking, alph***cough***- I mean independent and financially stable men are snatched first, and they are desired by both independent and financially stable women like you and by non-independent women - so these men are snatched first earlier, while bet*cough* , I mean non-independent men, are not desired by both types of women.

On the other hand, many independent men have no problem at all to date non-independent/jobless women because...you know, the housewife/gf occupation is still largely socially acceptable.

So not only you were competing against independent women on these independent men (and now what's left of them after 30), but you were competing against virtually all women on them....so that's why these men around your age are much fewer now compared to non-independent men.

ROFLMAO she is "really angry" with her mother for suggesting that she might date some guy, she got really offended by that. :lmao:



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Dec 2016, 3:05 am

Peacesells wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.



Look hurtloam, it's quite simple really:

Generally speaking, alph***cough***- I mean independent and financially stable men are snatched first, and they are desired by both independent and financially stable women like you and by non-independent women - so these men are snatched first earlier, while bet*cough* , I mean non-independent men, are not desired by both types of women.

On the other hand, many independent men have no problem at all to date non-independent/jobless women because...you know, the housewife/gf occupation is still largely socially acceptable.

So not only you were competing against independent women on these independent men (and now what's left of them after 30), but you were competing against virtually all women on them....so that's why these men around your age are much fewer now compared to non-independent men.

ROFLMAO she is "really angry" with her mother for suggesting that she might date some guy, she got really offended by that. :lmao:


But yeah, it's quite annoying when they try to push you to date someone who's completely not compatible with you.



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27 Dec 2016, 4:49 am

hurtloam wrote:
I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.

Why not? Isn't a real partner better than a non-existing ideal? Would you give a chance to a man who is decent, but noticeably less intelligent, for example?



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27 Dec 2016, 5:10 am

I don't think I could date someone who a relative paired me up with, because it could strain my relationship with that relative if things didn't work out.


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27 Dec 2016, 5:22 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.



Look hurtloam, it's quite simple really:

Generally speaking, alph***cough***- I mean independent and financially stable men are snatched first, and they are desired by both independent and financially stable women like you and by non-independent women - so these men are snatched first earlier, while bet*cough* , I mean non-independent men, are not desired by both types of women.

On the other hand, many independent men have no problem at all to date non-independent/jobless women because...you know, the housewife/gf occupation is still largely socially acceptable.

So not only you were competing against independent women on these independent men (and now what's left of them after 30), but you were competing against virtually all women on them....so that's why these men around your age are much fewer now compared to non-independent men.

ROFLMAO she is "really angry" with her mother for suggesting that she might date some guy, she got really offended by that. :lmao:


But yeah, it's quite annoying when they try to push you to date someone who's completely not compatible with you.

I was not talking about that and you know it.



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27 Dec 2016, 8:19 am

Peacesells wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.



Look hurtloam, it's quite simple really:

Generally speaking, alph***cough***- I mean independent and financially stable men are snatched first, and they are desired by both independent and financially stable women like you and by non-independent women - so these men are snatched first earlier, while bet*cough* , I mean non-independent men, are not desired by both types of women.

On the other hand, many independent men have no problem at all to date non-independent/jobless women because...you know, the housewife/gf occupation is still largely socially acceptable.

So not only you were competing against independent women on these independent men (and now what's left of them after 30), but you were competing against virtually all women on them....so that's why these men around your age are much fewer now compared to non-independent men.

ROFLMAO she is "really angry" with her mother for suggesting that she might date some guy, she got really offended by that. :lmao:


But yeah, it's quite annoying when they try to push you to date someone who's completely not compatible with you.

I was not talking about that and you know it.



I am seriously not getting it, are you referring to some talk we shared on pm before? If yes , I am not remembering it.



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27 Dec 2016, 8:40 am

hurtloam wrote:
I wouldn't mind meeting new people if they were willing to introduce me. You never know, we might get on.

What I object to is being paired up with people I've known for a long time who obviously have no interest in me nor I in them. My Mum suggested a couple of guys yesterday who still live with their parents and who are no even remotely at the same level of being an adult that I am. I've lived on my own for 15 years. Why do I want someone who can't function on their own? I don't want a son, I want an equal. It makes me think that she thinks I'm a bit slow. I'm really angry with her.

*edit

I am intelligent and independent and I know a lot of other women in my situation. It just seems like all the single guys who are left are not as intelligent and not compatible or are at the same level of social skills, but know they are and so can have anyone they want and act arrogant because of it. You can't be with someone you're not compatible with. You can't be with someone who can't hold a conversation or participate at your own level. You can't just pair me up with someone who is not able to participate in my life.


Those men are long-gone. They got their partners between the ages of 15-25, 25-30 for the late-bloomers. The chances of finding a desirable man who isn't already in a relationship, or a cheating scumbag, is very low beyond that point.

A good analogy is trying to get a parking spot on a really busy evening. You should have arrived in the morning, but you didn't so now you're forced to drive around and around, with almost all the spots full. Occasionally somebody will pull out, leaving a space open, but it's on the other side of the parking lot and you'll never get there in time. Or a space will open up nearby, and there'll be a whole bunch of other cars trying to take the spot as well as you. It's possible to find a parking space, but most likely you'll just have to pack it in and go home.



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27 Dec 2016, 8:50 am

Don't have a family that cares about me that way, to the extended I stopped existing after age 18.



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27 Dec 2016, 8:58 am

Jacoby wrote:
Don't have a family that cares about me that way, to the extended I stopped existing after age 18.


As annoying as it'd be having relatives come up with bogus ideas to get you a partner, at least it's a sign they haven't given up on you. You know you're screwed when your own family stops caring.



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27 Dec 2016, 9:07 am

It really makes me doubt the feelings anybody displays, I thought I had a loving family at one time but now I question whether or not they ever cared about me. We didn't fit the script and were dysfunctional, once grandma died I haven't heard from most since. I don't make the effort myself, I don't feel comfortable around them and feel inadequate so I suppose I share some blame too but that doesn't explain the coldness to my mother.