Incredibly in love with an Aspie Man. Need tips

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NT here, in a 6 year relationship with an aspie.

I can tick off every characteristic you describe for my partner too.
And we also had / have the same struggle.

For us, it tremendously helped to set up some sort of weekly schedule for which days of the week we are together, and what days we are each in our own home. It really lowered the 'ouch' or insecurity i had every time i wanted to do something together and getting a blunt 'no' from him. Even learning (by reading about AS) he was just honest and had something else in mind to do, so it wasn't because he didn't like me (o the insecurity!), or him being an as*hole, it often still hurt to hear that 'no'.

With our schedule, we know when we're together and when not. Gives us both rest, time for ourselves, and enjoy each other on the days we're together (can be just lazy on the couch, or doing something more active... doesn't matter).

That's one of the 'tricks' we now use to cope with each others differences. I think along the way we found out a lot more of how things work for both of us.

And besides that, i realised that i'm getting used to his way of doing things. Sometimes i almost forget that our relationship is a bit different from others. Until i see friends or lovers in public being so romantic together, or hear they can talk deeply for ours, or make plans for the future together. Then i can still hurt and long for more emotions, confirmation, warmth... but still.. i love my man and that is despite AND thanks to all his traits.

Some very good advice here so far. Let me reinforce it by saying a few of the same things:

Expect him to be distant. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He probably does love you a great deal. In fact, he may be doing things for you as an expression of his love instead of saying them.

Expect him to say hurtful things. He is probably not trying to be mean, he is just brutally honest and may not understand why someone would want anything less than honesty.

Be incredibly honest with him in return.

If there is a problem, tell him directly so that there is no chance of misunderstanding. If you need him to express more affection for you, tell him outright that once a day (or whatever you feel comfortable with) you need him to give you a hug and have him tell you he loves you. If you need him to spend a day with you, talking to him about setting up a 'Date Night' where the two of you can go do something romantic together. In short, tell him exactly what you need and be willing to communicate/compromise.

Basically, never assume he can read your mind. Just tell him.

When he does make a suggestion for a date or convey an expression of love, it has probably taken him an extraordinary amount of effort to be able to do this in the 'straightforward' manner as strange as it sounds, we often expend great energy finding alternative ways to push through how much we care and appreciate a significant other and don't understand why you need reassuring in the 'basic' way. I hope he shows you in other ways that he cares for you, I am not trying to make excuses if he does not display this.

I and my Aspie girlfriend broke up a few weeks ago. I'd say initiating and maintaining a relationship is hard no matter who you are with. Our problems came from my need of being acknowledged and appreciated (meaning: I wanted her to let her parents know about me which she didn't want to do even after being together for a year and a half). I apparently broke her boundaries, but otherwise my boundaries would have been broken, so it was kind of a lose-lose situation.

Like others said before, I suggest to be blunt, direct and talk about your needs, and hope for the best. If he's a real Aspie, then he probably lacks the empathy that would tell him about your feelings based on your gestures, so you need to use words instead. There's a chance that he might take it as too much, but not being fulfilled in a relationship isn't good either. You should not give up your basic needs, and he has to understand. If he really loves you, he'll find a way to adjust without giving up too much of his private space. If he doesn't, then you're giving up too much of yourself and you won't be happy.

I wish you two better luck than I had.

Good to read all these views...
but i agree in the end with auswolf: don't give up too much of yourself. Instead: try to get more confident.

If there's one thing that i learned from being with my aspie, is to be ME without his affirmation. And i even try to be more ME than ever.
Express bigger, say whats on my mind... try to explain what i feel, so he can understand. (So not using subtle hints or expect him to understand me)

He will be blunt, he will not give you as much affection as you wish, but still, you are you. And you are a fantastic person. That new clothes look very good on you, even if he doesn't give you a compliment. And if you want to do something together but he is not enthousiastic about it, still do it. But go with a friend, your mom or your sister if you have one.

For us, the first year i constantly felt as if he'd rather see me go. In the beginning two days together meant he needed some serious 'recovery' time. But that is not anymore. He got used to me and my presence around him. And the same time i got used to give him some space (by eg not talking all the time , but often just do our own things, but in the same room, or next to eachother on the couch)

And if you are sad. Be sad. Don't hide it. But say to him that you are sad and that you need a hug. Or a cup of tea.
When we had a fight, or i was sad about something for example, it may look as if he turns into stone. But after a while, he's suddenly in the kitchen making tea for me. Or he is doing something in the house he knows i wanted him to fix for a long time... I guess that's his way of saying: i do care.

Haha we sometimes end up in conversations like this:

Me: "i'm insecure about this, it would help me if you give me a compliment now and then today'
Him (after a few hours): 'You're doing great!
Me: 'thank you for remembering to give me a compliment '

My NT mind immediately says: you don't mean it, you only say this because i asked you to. I might even not be doing great at all. But i learned to appreciate it that he remembers it, and wants to help me by saying what i asked.
It does require saying what i need, though. So i'm learning to be more aware of myself and speak up

I see that a post that used to be on here is gone but as I recall she said in another thread that she deleted her response on some other thread (she must have been referring to this thread... probably).

Anyway, one more thing I need to add, I usually try to be fair, but my fairness may not be or seem immediate or obvious. When I do favours for someone or what might appear to be a favour, I am not doing it for any kind of ulteriour-motive, such as expecting that I will now be owed something for doing said favour. You do not owe me anything just because I am doing something for you. When I bother to take the time or energy or effort or resoruces to do something for you, I am doing something for you because I feel/believe that it is warranted for some reason, for fairness purposes.

Perhaps I may have been inadequate with contributing my fair share some time ago. That might be a reason why I am trying to balance the scales-of-contribution towards any particular relationship/association/acquaintance/etc. The flip side of that «Coin» is that I do not owe anybody any favours just because they thought that they did something for me which I did not ask for; this is a bad habit of many NT-types who think that a «recipient (such as a Target ASD)» of unsolicited favours suddenly owes the NT something just because «NT did X for ASD» (even though the ASD never asked for such things out of the NT). Unless I have specifically requested that you do something for me or my benefit, I do not «owe» you anything, and if I am «lambasted» with any kind of negativity, then it counts as nullifying any possible value that any so-called favour may have had (even worse if the perceived favour is being used against me in some way, like as if I owe the world to you, even when I never even asked for such unsolicited favours, for then it communicates to me that whomever I am dealing with is full of manipulative ulteriour-motives and those are the kinds of people whom I know from experience need to stay out of my life even if it requires that I quietly pack up all of my bags and stuff and just move away to some foreign-location whilst changing then cutting off all of my contact-information from such people).

Now if everyone will excuse me I need to go back to doing such things like gloating about how great I am and tooting my horn and randomly strutting my stuff about how incredibly popular I am with the women of W-P.