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friends first?

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nurseangela
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17 Feb 2017, 7:49 am

In my opinion, most men do not want to be "friends", unless there are added "benefits". So with most men, I believe the "friends" part comes later.


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nurseangela
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17 Feb 2017, 7:52 am

hurtloam wrote:
I always find that they never make a move and then end up going out with someone else. If you like someone you've got to go for it or you'll lose them.


Just because you "go for it" doesn't mean you won't lose them, plus you also lost a bit of yourself once they leave you for someone else after they have used you.


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kraftiekortie
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17 Feb 2017, 8:19 am

I lived during the time of the "sexual revolution." There was lots of free and easy sex. But I never felt like I can have sex with just any woman.

Even though I did sleep with quite a few women, it did not mean that sex was the "prerequisite" for any friendship. I had lady friends who I might think about having sex with--but I knew it would break up the friendship if I proposed it. So I didn't..and I remained friends with the woman without any qualms (just maybe a little "blue balls" LOL)

If I met a woman on a date, a woman expected me to be a gentleman. She didn't expect me to want sex on the first date. If a man wanted sex on the first date, the man was seen as being just a horny idiot, not worthy of her time. Or, at the very least, QUITE impatient. Sex was seen as a possible "outcome," eventually. But, usually, a woman wanted a man to respect her as a person before she would consent to sex with that person.



nurseangela
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17 Feb 2017, 9:32 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I lived during the time of the "sexual revolution." There was lots of free and easy sex. But I never felt like I can have sex with just any woman.

Even though I did sleep with quite a few women, it did not mean that sex was the "prerequisite" for any friendship. I had lady friends who I might think about having sex with--but I knew it would break up the friendship if I proposed it. So I didn't..and I remained friends with the woman without any qualms (just maybe a little "blue balls" LOL)

If I met a woman on a date, a woman expected me to be a gentleman. She didn't expect me to want sex on the first date. If a man wanted sex on the first date, the man was seen as being just a horny idiot, not worthy of her time. Or, at the very least, QUITE impatient. Sex was seen as a possible "outcome," eventually. But, usually, a woman wanted a man to respect her as a person before she would consent to sex with that person.


Things have changed, Mr. K. Now they want no commitments. I guess it's back to the 60's again.


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17 Feb 2017, 9:46 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I lived during the time of the "sexual revolution." There was lots of free and easy sex. But I never felt like I can have sex with just any woman.

Even though I did sleep with quite a few women, it did not mean that sex was the "prerequisite" for any friendship. I had lady friends who I might think about having sex with--but I knew it would break up the friendship if I proposed it. So I didn't..and I remained friends with the woman without any qualms (just maybe a little "blue balls" LOL)

If I met a woman on a date, a woman expected me to be a gentleman. She didn't expect me to want sex on the first date. If a man wanted sex on the first date, the man was seen as being just a horny idiot, not worthy of her time. Or, at the very least, QUITE impatient. Sex was seen as a possible "outcome," eventually. But, usually, a woman wanted a man to respect her as a person before she would consent to sex with that person.


I would never have sex on a first date because I need to get to know someone first.



kraftiekortie
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17 Feb 2017, 9:53 am

I find that this makes sense.



nurseangela
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17 Feb 2017, 10:42 am

Alliekit wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I lived during the time of the "sexual revolution." There was lots of free and easy sex. But I never felt like I can have sex with just any woman.

Even though I did sleep with quite a few women, it did not mean that sex was the "prerequisite" for any friendship. I had lady friends who I might think about having sex with--but I knew it would break up the friendship if I proposed it. So I didn't..and I remained friends with the woman without any qualms (just maybe a little "blue balls" LOL)

If I met a woman on a date, a woman expected me to be a gentleman. She didn't expect me to want sex on the first date. If a man wanted sex on the first date, the man was seen as being just a horny idiot, not worthy of her time. Or, at the very least, QUITE impatient. Sex was seen as a possible "outcome," eventually. But, usually, a woman wanted a man to respect her as a person before she would consent to sex with that person.


I would never have sex on a first date because I need to get to know someone first.


I'm just curious - how many dates would it take to "know" someone these days, in your opinion?


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kraftiekortie
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17 Feb 2017, 10:47 am

It depends on the individual person. It could take a few dates. It could take many dates.

I don't know about "these days." But I would hope that it's usually not on the first date.



The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Feb 2017, 10:48 am

Honestly I realized a while ago that friendship with the opposite sex is a headache altogether.

It is limited and pointless because it's always temporary; usually things end when one of two gets into relationship or if some unrequited love occurs; it becomes increasly awakward either way till it extinguishes.

I advise the OP to be just "buddies" with men, as people you hang out within a group but not more than that, and any extra communication is limited to organzing group outings

But as close/best friends with a daily communication? It's headache. These are better to be reserved for friends of your own sex; or/and for your boyfriend.



nurseangela
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17 Feb 2017, 10:58 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
It depends on the individual person. It could take a few dates. It could take many dates.

I don't know about "these days." But I would hope that it's usually not on the first date.


I was asking Allie because she is in the younger generation.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
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Darn, I flunked.


The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Feb 2017, 11:12 am

nurseangela wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
It depends on the individual person. It could take a few dates. It could take many dates.

I don't know about "these days." But I would hope that it's usually not on the first date.


I was asking Allie because she is in the younger generation.


Allie shocked even me when she complained in some thread how she lost her virginity "late" at 18 while her friends lost it at 13 in average.

Legends say that I am still repeating WTF ever since.



kraftiekortie
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17 Feb 2017, 11:21 am

Even in the 1960s, most people didn't have casual sex like it is portrayed in places like Woodstock.

In fact, the most casual sex, to me, probably occurred from the late 1970s to about 1985 or so, when it was acknowledged that heterosexuals could get AIDS, as well as homosexuals.



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17 Feb 2017, 11:34 am

nurseangela wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I lived during the time of the "sexual revolution." There was lots of free and easy sex. But I never felt like I can have sex with just any woman.

Even though I did sleep with quite a few women, it did not mean that sex was the "prerequisite" for any friendship. I had lady friends who I might think about having sex with--but I knew it would break up the friendship if I proposed it. So I didn't..and I remained friends with the woman without any qualms (just maybe a little "blue balls" LOL)

If I met a woman on a date, a woman expected me to be a gentleman. She didn't expect me to want sex on the first date. If a man wanted sex on the first date, the man was seen as being just a horny idiot, not worthy of her time. Or, at the very least, QUITE impatient. Sex was seen as a possible "outcome," eventually. But, usually, a woman wanted a man to respect her as a person before she would consent to sex with that person.


I would never have sex on a first date because I need to get to know someone first.


I'm just curious - how many dates would it take to "know" someone these days, in your opinion?


I would have to have been speaking to them in some form for a few months and then have at least 5 dates after that. Most importantly and exclusive relationship would hate to be agreed.



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17 Feb 2017, 11:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
It depends on the individual person. It could take a few dates. It could take many dates.

I don't know about "these days." But I would hope that it's usually not on the first date.


I was asking Allie because she is in the younger generation.


Allie shocked even me when she complained in some thread how she lost her virginity "late" at 18 while her friends lost it at 13 in average.

Legends say that I am still repeating WTF ever since.


I was late compared to my school friends. They used to tease me about not losing it and when i would start talking to someone they would be like "so have you done it yet".



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17 Feb 2017, 1:50 pm

nurseangela wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I always find that they never make a move and then end up going out with someone else. If you like someone you've got to go for it or you'll lose them.


Just because you "go for it" doesn't mean you won't lose them, plus you also lost a bit of yourself once they leave you for someone else after they have used you.


I don't mean have sex with them. I mean at least tell them you want to date them rather than let it drag on always wondering.



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17 Feb 2017, 6:38 pm

ShadowProphet wrote:
I mean don't get me wrong, it's good to be friends with someone first because you're establishing a connection and building up trust. But eventually, you're going to have to make a move and show interest that you want to be more than friends. Otherwise, you will be put in the friend-zone.


Absolutely. To be fair to the dater you should mutually establish a time limit for the friend-zone phase, and plan to re-evaluate the relationship at that point.

If you're dating another aspie (or at least a nerdy NT) you can even take a lesson from the Big Bang Theory and draft a "relationship agreement" to specify limits and goals so neither dater has to guess at what the other wants.