Is There Such Thing as a Practice Relationship?

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Another issues is that people are expecting more from their relationships now. People now expect a partner to not only provide companionship, but also a sense of esteem and self-actualization (as per Maslow's hierarchy of needs.) A relationship isn't just about love and companionship anymore. It's also about self-expression, and about getting the admiration and respect of your peers. This has been called the "expressive marriage," because people marry not only for love, but for self-expression. That's a tall order, and a lot of people can't meet those higher expectations, which is part of why relationships are such a struggle.

I think the thing that makes the most difference is the partner you choose. Thinking back on the seven girlfriends I've had and the gazillions of dates that I've been on, the woman I was with made more difference than anything else in terms of the quality of the relationship, because my behavior was largely the same clueless behavior in all instances.

So a lot of it comes down to being able to recognize a good partner, which I have been terrible at. Not because I'm obsessed with looks - some of the women I've dated who were the best partners were also the best looking. But I failed to recognize several women who were good partners, even when these women were upfront that they liked me, and instead I pursued women who turned out to be terrible partners. Part of this was, as I said before, I was unable to accept their feelings for me because I didn't know how to be the object of their desire.

At this point I don't think I have problems with unclear communication or failing to add meaning to someone's life. It's more that I have a history of running away from good partners, and instead pursuing bad partners. Part of this is because I don't know how to accept affection and let myself be desired, especially lusted after.

Exactly. A relationship is not just friends + benefits. It's not just that you have this really good friend that you just happen to also kiss/sleep with. A relationship is something completely different from a friendship and has a completely different set of expectations. In a lot of ways, I understand the expectations for friendship and basic social interaction, but I don't have any idea what the expectations are in a relationship.

Well, a romantic relationship seems qualitatively different from a friendship. Here are some differences:

A friend shares interests with you, but a lover completes you.
A friend comforts you, but a lover heals you.
A friends asks you if you need something, but a lover already is what you need.
A friend is someone you know, but a lover is someone you've known since the beginning of time.
A friend makes activities fun, but a lover makes activities meaningful.
A friend helps you pass the time, but a lover makes the time worth passing.

I know how to share interests with someone, how to comfort someone, and how to make activities fun. I don't know how to complete someone, how to heal someone, or how to make activities meaningful. That's what I'd want to learn in a practice relationship.

It's almost as if being a romantic partner means that I'm the meaning in my partner's life. I don't know how to do that.



The relationship counseling and dating advice industries are huge, so this isn't just an Aspie problem. We're drowning in relationship advice, and yet relationships seem more difficult than ever. But you can't learn about relationships from a book. You have to learn about it from the inside, by learning from your experience and being allowed to make mistakes. Unfortunately, most partners aren't too tolerant of romantic mistakes, even if they are tolerant of non-romantic behavior mistakes. If you make too many romantic mistakes, your partner leaves, which makes it much harder to learn the right skills.

In my past relationships, I was comfortable with desiring someone, and comfortable with her being my "one and only." But being the object of desire, and being someone's one-and-only, that is something I had no idea how to do.

And Canary, the guy you're seeing sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. Check out http://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

I've heard of this! Although, I don't know a solution. The first time I heard about it was in the movie, The Perks of Being of a Wallflower. There was a phrase that went something like, "We accept the love we think we deserve."

I worked on this a little bit, where I tried to convince myself that I deserved good love. It did help a little, but at some point it seemed that there was another reason I would shut down when someone liked me, and that does turn out to be an autistic trait from what I have read. There's only so much I can do to convince myself that I deserve good love before I start to get diminishing returns on that strategy. It seems more of a function of autism. Either way, the solution is the same: stop running away from people who like me. I can stick around and learn to deal with their affection, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.