AS boyfriend disappearing on me for a long time

Post Reply New Topic

I see. Well I have to admit that almost every time I have told him I want him in my life and that he means a lot to me, he reacts with an expression of disbelief.. So you might be right about this. How could someone convince you that they actually do want you in their life, especially if you've gone into disappearing mode, then? Would it be more by leaving you alone and letting you work it out by yourself or would you need some kind of reminders and reassurance from time to time?

I am aware that not every aspie is not the same of course, just trying to see different perspectives in the hope that I will eventually understand how his brain works..

Thanks a lot!

TBH I just told her to ask. It's fully apparent to me that no one expects me to text them & so it must have been strange when I sent the one message asking for reasons to turn off my laptop & skip a meeting, never mind the overwhelming likelihood that conversation will just be picked up in person.

I go for long nights out & big crunchy hugs. While not exceptionally cuddly I've at least learned directness.

Just to update you all.. I think it's clear it's over now. Not only he hasn't contacted me in almost 2 months, I sent him an email last week asking if he'd like to see me because I had some time to go visit him. He hasn't replied. And I actually learned from a common friend that he is here, in my city today and for a few days and he hasn't told me.

So yeah, I think that kinda clears it up for me. He just doesn't care. He doesn't even care enough to give me some answers. Oh well..
I guess I have to move on.

I am devastated, mostly because of his behavior that is not respectful at all. I've always tried to be understanding towards him and certainly I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I don't know if this can be explained by his aspieness or not, but I think that if his feelings hadn't changed, as he said, he wouldn't behave like this.

That's so sad, I really love him.

Sometimes the planet is too small not to share, just my experience.

Just shows once more that this kind of behavior (disappearing) means they are not serious about it or think of it like a friendship only. I don't think there is any reason at all to tolerate that kind of thing (from a partner), and especially not if he/she is aspie/neurodiverse.

I'm sorry it happened but I'm I'm glad you realize it's over OP. I hope this doesn't tarnish your opinion of Aspie guys cuz there's plenty of us who are not like that. Sometimes our partners become our special interests(mine is) & some of us(like me) know how difficult it is to find somebody so we do everything we can to try & make a relationship work.

Please don't say he's not serious. We've been together for more than 3 years and this has never happened before. He's always been serious about it and he has proved it. I don't know what happened now and how his feelings changed and why he won't admit it. He's having a huge crisis, I know that but it has been very serious between us for a long time and that's what hurts me more.



I don't judge a group of people based on one person, don't worry. Moreover, I don't judge him badly anyway, I know he has been suffering, I just wish he would be able to talk to me about how he feels and not avoid me like this. I think he has sabotaged himself our relationship because of different issues/insecurities/fears and that is very sad. But he is overall a nice person, I know that and that makes it even worse. I am really hurting but I don't have bad feelings towards him. Just a huge WHY. Why won't he talk to me? Oh well, I probably won't have an answer any time soon.

I wouldn't see any problem with asking that other friend some of the same questions. However much you follow up is your call though I also strongly encourage it.

I would love to ask those questions, believe me, I want to understand as much of it as I can. But I hesitate. This friend (as well as mostly all of our common friends) were initially his friends that I met through him. So I'm not sure it's my place to ask for answers. I don't think it will be very appreciated by anyone.

Still I see no trouble in letting them know what's going on.

I'm just not sure it will be well-received by them, that's all. But well, I'll think about how I could go about it.
Thanks.

I read your complete initial post now, so I can come with a little more detailed answer. Yes, stress can certainly make us withdraw from communication with the rest of the world, but, in my experience, I would still communicate with a gf or love interest. She would be the last one I cut off communications with, and then it would be really bad. Still, I can disappear and/or make myself impossible to contact for a few hours and have done so in the past, but not for weeks or months.

Also, since your relationship is over 3 years long, I very much doubt that infatuation plays any role for him anymore. For me, infatuations will end no later than after 2-3 years, and if I don't have a strong attachment at that point, I will "fall" out of love, and then might show the precise behaviour he does to you now. So, he is probably aware of what he has promised you, but if he doesn't have a strong attachment to you at this point, he will have to work on keeping in contact, which he shouldn't need to do otherwise. This could also be the cause for some of his current self-doubt and contribute to his stress.

Thanks for taking a bit more time for me. That somehow makes more sense but still.. Why, when I asked him he would say his feelings haven't changed and that he's still in love with me? Could he be just lying? Why couldn't he say "I don't know" since he already had told me he is very confused and lost etc?

Also, in the past he has been with a girl for 7 years. During our relationship he told me a few times that he loves me more than all his girlfriends. When I jokingly doubted that, saying that this is not possible, he was with someone for 7 years, he said very seriously that he is sure and he knows what he's talking about. He has always told me how he loves me for being smart and understanding and nice and open-minded and a million other things. Last summer, for a moment we thought I might be pregnant. He told me he would be happy if I wanted to keep the baby.

I went back to our message history and I saw that until January - mid February, despite some periods of disappearing - about a week long or so but not very often, he was still loving and nice and he would say it and show it. He really disappeared after my freaked-out message. Is it possible that just a message would make him just stop being in love? I mean, from what I said before doesn't it seem that he did have an attachment to me? How does that go away like that?

Finally, I'd like to add that before he started this whole thing (it was around September I think) he had told me that he didn't want to base his life too much on me because he had done this with his 7-year relationship and when she left him, he found himself in a very bad situation and he didn't want to go there again if I left him.. Could that be a reason why he started disappearing? Does that change anything in your view?

Sorry to ask so many questions. Just the fact that he came here and didn't tell me is killing me. It does not sound like him at all, I don't get it.

One more question for all of you, if you can.
How can I get an answer out of him? I need to get him to tell me he doesn't love me anymore if I don't want to go crazy. I feel I'm losing my mind over this and I can't move on if I don't have a clear answer.

Naturally, I don't know him, but I go on auto-pilot with that kind of things. A while ago, wife heard (she is aspie too) that couples should exchange "I love you" and similar things regularly, but I'm afraid that I very quickly learnt how to say and respond to that more or less automatically, and so it all lost meaning. My guess is that he might have learnt to handle that just like small-talk too, with automated answers. That's why I always claim you cannot go by that with us. We like to show our affection with actions, not words, so it is in actions you should seek that information, not in words.



OK, so he was in an LTR and got deserted. That can do a lot of bad things for aspies (and others too).



It could be that your message reminded him of the breakup, and so he went into defence mode not to get hurt again. However, if that is the case, then he really does still love you but is afraid of another painful breakup.



Yes, definitely. It adds to the evidence that he wants to avoid another painful breakup, and so he thinks that he can avoid that by withdrawing.

Do you know if he still has feelings for his ex, and how hard he actually took the breakup? I think that would be informative.

Thanks so much! You have been very helpful!

I understand, but in the same conversation he replied "I don't know" to the question "do you want to break up?" (for the reasons I explained in my initial post (choices, opportunities etc). That's why it rings like he was honest. But maybe I'm wrong.






But isn't this painful for him too? And isn't this behaviour in fact adding to the possibility of a break up? And if indeed this is the case, that he loves me, what can I do now? I have tried everything. Is it possible that he will come back (at least to talk) to me? Or if I let him he will just forget me?



I know he has been very hurt and he was in a very bad place when she left. In fact (the irony) he told me she didn't break up with him exactly, she just disappeared. And I think the reason she left him was somehow similar to what I'm experiencing now. From what I've gathered he wasn't paying too much attention to her because of some stressful situation.

As far as I know he doesn't have feelings for her. That's what he told me. And I think this is true because I know that after the break up he tried to have another relationship but he ended up terminating it because he realized he
still had feelings for his ex. When once, at the beginning of our relationship, I had asked him if he still loved her obviously he said no and he said "ask any of my friends, they haven't seen me being so happy with someone else". But of course I know that break up has deeply affected him and I could see him become cloudy sometimes when talking about it.