Why doesn't my individuality pay off?

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What I've realized that eccentricity is only considered cute and quirky when it is intentionally played up as such by people who can withhold normalcy with no effort. Natural individuality and "weirdness" and what have you leads us to being ostracized because although we are sincere, it isn't considered charming from that angle, save for a good few, particularly fellow auties.

That's exactly what I want to do for a girlfriend.

About metal-head/goth/whatever subcultures, I think that whenever you fit in with some crowd, it's still a crowd, and the dynamics of people who fit into crowds are similar no matter what the crowd is. There are few if any "outsider crowds", or at least not for long--as soon as they are recognized, they invite in more "normal" people.

In my case, the things I am most interested in have no "crowd". Like, I can talk to other scientists, but on some level my ideas lose some of their "romance" when they need to be phrased in a way that the majority even of other scientists will understand. Like, I am most interested in trying to intuitively "feel" the way molecules move, and the forces on them, so that it is some kind of dance that unfolds in my mind. Few if anybody else does that--and if too many people did, it would cease to be this personal world of discovery that's so "cool" to me.

Since I have grown up so isolated in my own world, I think I have developed a sort of "complex" around that--like I only find ideas romantic if I feel like the first one to have them (or at least can convince myself that is, if it isn't true). This leads almost to a form of that quote "I wouldn't join any group that would have me as a member". It also leads to me having this kind of mistrust of people who have more than one or two friends--like I worry that they would choose their friends' world over my world. I'm trying to work on that last part, because I recognize it's not necessarily true, and that it will lead me to subconsciously, without even any overt intent, try to keep a girlfriend isolated in our own private tower, interacting with nobody else, which would not be healthy in the long run for either of us.

The kind of girls I feel at this point I many have the most success with are the real lone wolves, who also have no crowd at all, at least no crowd with whom they can discuss their most interesting (to them) ideas. Not necessarily the female Henry Dargers of the world (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Darger)
but something more along those lines. Like the kind of girl who's 18-25 and already 3/4 of the way to becoming a cat lady. Of course some of those girls are looking for guys who are the opposite of them, who are popular, and it wouldn't work to date one of those either.

The girl doesn't have to even be completely isolated in ALL areas of her life, just have some things that are really important and fundamental to her that she doesn't feel she can share with anyone else.

I've just had so many social disappointments, confusing messages, and failures mark my life so much that it's hard for me to feel hopeful or give others credit. It feels like it's too late to tap into my individuality and have it accepted since it's been shunned for so long.

We've all been there. The band I've been playing in the last year dropped me, and I figured out they really just wanted to bring back a former member and was using me as a placeholder. My wife got set up as a scapegoat at a bank because she wanted to move up from head teller to loan officer, and their current loan officer, totally incompetent, felt threatened.

We've been there before, and we know it certainly WILL happen again eventually. All you can do is keep at whatever it is you do, whether your job, social life, love life, whatever.

Everyone struggles, even people at the top. Because people who might have been born into privilege still face the insecurity of holding on to what they were born with if they don't really know what they're doing. They get scared, so they scapegoat little people. Billionaires don't have to operate like that, especially the Jobs and Gates types, because they are concerned with doing the most good for the most people. Your small-time bank president will tend to fire good people because of those insecurities, a desire to protect himself and his income while he spends more hours on the golf course. Or the private school headmaster too busy playing politics with parents to protect good teachers.

And girlfriends with agendas who can't really care about what a good person and great bf material you might really be.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Just remember in the end there can only be one. They may reject you, but you're going to reject a lot more of them by the time it's over.

Well, I've never been in a band. One friend I knew who wanted to start a band I lost contact with and even back then we couldn't get anything concrete started; neither of us had many social connections, we lived on opposite sides of the city we lived in, and we both lived with our parents so that seriously inhibited things. I knew another guy who wanted to learn how to play the guitar but he just couldn't learn and we didn't have much else in common. I had some acquaintances at school who started a band but there wasn't enough room for me to join in unless I wanted to play a freakin' tambourine. I was also struggling to learn the guitar and felt that I sucked at it. My father would also say stupid stuff like "Mewsick ain't gonna git yew enyware!" even though he played the guitar himself. Nothing would ever start for me; I've been mired in a rut since the beginning.

My therapist thinks the constant search for a girlfriend won't ever work out and that I need to turn my focus onto myself. I just have such a hard time letting go of it.

Your dad was mostly right about music, though. I heard the same thing a million times. Music takes a lot of sacrifice just to get a gig, and there's plenty more heartbreak and dead ends even if you make it that far. And that's just for those who actually have TALENT.

The trick is to branch out, to not limit yourself to a single aspect of your field of interest. I teach part-time. I also have a paying church gig. I play solo gigs. I look for bands to play in, sub when a regular guy can't make it, and in my spare time I write. When things are really slow, I do volunteer work. And when I have a little extra money coming in, I put that into equipment/software upgrades and self-improvement, like taking college classes, running 5k's (I'm about to start training for 10k), working on my cooking skills, etc.

The key is to just not ever stop. When it comes to getting a gf, it just means broaden your horizons. If every girl, and I mean EVERY girl is a church girl (not likely, but I'll go with it for now) and you aren't into it, then concentrate on being the kind of guy that Christian guys SHOULD be but often aren't. You'll eventually meet that church girl who won't pressure you into doing that, and you'll be ok with her going to church, but she'll stay with you because you're nicer and better bf material than church guys. That will be your one off-limits topic for discussion, but you'll win for not being a hypocrite.

I mean, I'm not promising you a 100% moneyback guarantee on this, I'm just trying to help you gain a broader and more positive perspective. Negativity and complaining/gossiping are infectious, and people will avoid you like the plague to escape being sucked into the vortex.

What Christian guys should be?

Based on this, if I had to guess, I'd say you spend more time listening to other boys talk about what women want than actually listening to the women themselves.

To address the title of the thread and the content of the opening post:

Individuality is not some kind of tiered reward system. It is tied to the very essence of your being and your expression of that individuality does not always determine the outcome. A vast majority of humanity has the equal opportunity to be itself but not an equal opportunity of outcome. The very idea of an equal opportunity of outcome is extremely flawed.

I'd say don't beat yourself up over it. He has something that woman likes but another woman may not.
Just branch out a bit more and deal with different kinds of people until you find a network that do appreciate the kind of person you are more, and hopefully you'll find a lady friend

Let me ask it this way:

When you compare nominally Christian guys with Jesus, do you find they actually exemplify Jesus' teachings? If no, what would need to change? If a guy actually practiced what Jesus taught, what would that look like?

Interestingly enough, Jesus once led a discussion on the difficulties of relationships and marriage. One of the disciples put it all together and remarked that it would just be better to not even bother with any of it. If you don't have the headache of dealing with the opposite sex and all the drama that goes with relationships and marriage, it does make your life MUCH easier. The trick is to make peace with that way of life. And Jesus even acknowledged few people are actually willing to do that.

I'll be the first to say I'm in my final relationship. There won't be another one. There's something liberating in the decision to give something up. I'm
not suggesting you give up. I'm just saying it's unnecessary to define yourself by relationship status or experience. Eventually the relationship I'm in WILL come to a close, one way or another. I'm ready for whatever will happen. And if I happen to still be alive when that day comes, there won't be another woman for me.